If you could tell him...

[SoonerTexan]

Sorry for being a "post whore"--or at least that is what we call it on the Knot...

You ladies have awesome advice, so I have one more question for you:

If you could go back to the beginning and give your husband advice about how to survive it all (maintain a shred of work/life balance, keep your wife from killing you) and how to "support" your wife/family, what would you tell him?

I just may copy and paste your answers and have my DF read them...

[MarissaNicole]

It will be a hard journey and you will gain a great amount of confidence along the way - but do not let it go to your head. Remember that you could not do it without your wonderful wife (and probably the support of your family and friends as well).

Try and always remember why you started this journey. Just because you have an M.D behind your name (or will) do not forget that you are no different than anyone else, don't treat people like they are less than you or that their time is less significant. Remember that you would not be where you are or what you are (without the Grace of God and the)* love and support of friends and family.

*We find strength in our faith - and if you have it I would encourage you to embrace it throughout the journey - if not you will find your own coping mechanisms.

Also for you as his wife you will have a job in itself to keep him grounded and humble (or at least try )

[GrayMatterWife]

This is a team effort. You may be able to do NSG all by yourself if you're single, but you do it as a team if you're married. That's the only way. So what you do and what you don't do affects other people. It's not all about you all the time. Keep that it mind, act accordingly, and express often how much you appreciate our support.

[DCJenn]

1) No one died and made you God.

and conversely

2) You are not stupid

and 3) (applicable to my husband only) Please purchase 5 berets. Keep one at the Army hospital, one at the AF hospital, one in your car, one in your bag and one in your motorcycle. Your wife works too and while her bosses are lovely people, she can't just leave to drive your hat around greater San Antonio.

Jenn

[Thirteen]

1) No one died and made you God.

and conversely

2) You are not stupid

Jenn

This fluctuates every couple of weeks - I'd like to add #3 to this combo and say
"Find a happy medium between your God complex and your Charlie Brown routine."

I'm a stinker.

[medpedspouse]

Just because you can give "orders" at the hospital/clinic does not mean you can give orders at home!! **DH figured this one out during PGY2.

Don't put me/your family last. So, do not cover for/switch with everyone and their dog and not have the balls to ask for the same to be with me or your family. **DH figured this one out PGY 6 - (wish I had past that gem sooner).

Medicine is not your only responsibility. Just because I pay for all the bills, take care of all household chores/maintenance, arrange all social/family activities, make all purchases, fight all consumer battles, feed you ( oh- I could go on but I am making myself sick) etc, etc. all while holding down a full time job and going to school for my Ph D. does not mean that I luuuuuv it. I do it for you and as such would like for it to be recognized and appreciated. Watching you play play video games, go for a bike ride or hang with your friends during your free time does not give me the warm fuzzies since I have not had free time in ages. **DH and I came to an understanding during PGY 5 after going to a marriage counselor. Wish we had gone during MS1 because once we began sharing said responsibilities, our relationship changed for the better.

[mommax3]

Choose a different specialty. Please.


DH and I really do get along just great, but he is eight years out of residency, four years out of the military, we have three school aged boys who play all kinds of sports, and DH is not a very big part of any of it. It makes me sad. I think one day it will make him sad, too. His Dad worked/travelled a lot when DH was a teenager, so DH just thinks that's what Dads do. We have plenty of money but very little time together.....I would definitely trade some of the former for more of the latter. I think DH is starting to see the light, but would it *really* have been so hard for him to choose something else way back when?

[Pollyanna]

Choose a different specialty. Please.


DH and I really do get along just great, but he is eight years out of residency, four years out of the military, we have three school aged boys who play all kinds of sports, and DH is not a very big part of any of it. It makes me sad. I think one day it will make him sad, too. His Dad worked/travelled a lot when DH was a teenager, so DH just thinks that's what Dads do. We have plenty of money but very little time together.....I would definitely trade some of the former for more of the latter. I think DH is starting to see the light, but would it *really* have been so hard for him to choose something else way back when?

Heehee, I often say to dh, "couldn't you have chosen radiology?"

[MrsC]

- Relax - You will get nowhere by being completely stressed out 24/7. Learn how to let it go.
- Tell me when you've had a bad day. I'd rather this than a crappy mood and me not knowing why, plus it helps to vent.
- Get used to the lack of sleep cause it's going to be that way until you retire.
- Drop the God complex as quickly as you developed it. I's going to be knocked out of you by PGY2 anyway.
- Do not, in the middle of a really crappy rotation where you barely see your wife say "It's not that bad!" or "It's a good experience for me!" We don't want to hear it.
- Think very carefully when choosing a speciality. You need to consider lifestyle even if you don't have a family. By the last year of residency you will want to have a lighter schedule to look forward to.
And last but not least.
- Remember, it's just a job!! (most will hate hearing this but it's true)

[Deebs]

the advice DH often gives to med students (especially on choosing a residency location) is "Happy Wife = Happy Life."

We always thought it was funny when med students would ask about night life, weather, etc. If your spouse is okay with a location, go for it. A resident has no night life, and the weather is always 70 degrees and fluorescent lit. He has sometimes forgotten his own advice, but for the most part, when I have a big say in a decision, it works out for the better.

More than giving him advice, I would give you the advice of make your own life. Do what makes you happy, and when he has time, he'll fit in around what you've built. If you sit around waiting for him to be there, medical training is going to be a long, miserable journey.

[bokelley]

the advice DH often gives to med students (especially on choosing a residency location) is "Happy Wife = Happy Life."

I love this, I need to print this and give it to DH.
Something that my mother-in-law tells me husband all the time is "Dance with the one that brought ya" (southern women LOL) The medical spouse always gets to share in the low points, but make sure to share in the high points. It is a sacrifice for both of you. And to make sure your accomplishments get acknowledgment too! You are still a human being and sometime it is nice to get a pat on the back, and not always be the one who is doing the patting! I think sometime in med school, or at least DH did, they lose their head. Kinda get an ego thing, but it goes away once rotations hit LOL

[HouseofWool]

the advice DH often gives to med students (especially on choosing a residency location) is "Happy Wife = Happy Life."

We always thought it was funny when med students would ask about night life, weather, etc. If your spouse is okay with a location, go for it. A resident has no night life, and the weather is always 70 degrees and fluorescent lit.

Hysterical.

I have hesitated to answer this whole series of posts given the state of my marriage currently. (the kids and I moved out last month - back to my home state about 3.5 hrs from my husband.)

Honestly, I said all of the things that were recommended about dropping the god complex, that it isn't all about him, that his family matters too, blahblahblah. Unfortunately, he didn't listen. It took me moving out for him to have the necessary headfromassectomy that was long overdue.

The biggest thing the person in medicine needs to determine is what his/her priorities are. Family/Work/Recreation all need to fit in the mix. What gets the most time will vary from rotation to rotation, but having open communication will make the experiences easier (not easy). Obviously we did not master this at all, not even close. However, the time apart is doing him a lot of good - he is figuring out that he worries waaaaay to much and that he should have been listening to me all along. Just about everything I have told him is correct and now that he is taking my advice, he is having a much easier time with it all.

Sorry for being a "post whore"--or at least that is what we call it on the Knot...

You ladies have awesome advice, so I have one more question for you:

If you could go back to the beginning and give your husband advice about how to survive it all (maintain a shred of work/life balance, keep your wife from killing you) and how to "support" your wife/family, what would you tell him?

I just may copy and paste your answers and have my DF read them...

I would have convinced her to choose Radiology, Path, or a similar specialty that lends itself to a more healthy work-life balance.....

Beyond that the only other option was Vet school...

RB

[DCJenn]

I have always said that I should have married a Vet. Thankfully I don't need a Child Neurologist but I could damn sure use a Veterinarian.

Jenn

[medpedspouse]

I have always said that I should have married a Vet. Thankfully I don't need a Child Neurologist but I could damn sure use a Veterinarian.

Jenn

Agreed!!! Although while going through our recent pup emergency, the vet found DH's ID knowledge helpful and even requested a med (that they did not carry at the emergency vet hospital) from DH's clinic. DH called the pharmacist and he brought us the meds...on a Sunday! First time I felt that the whole "I now want to do a fellowship" thing paid off.