how could this be?

I have a friend that is a hospital chaplain and he recently ran into this situation: A couple were having twins and in the 22 week of pregnancy they found out that one of the twins had severe defects and abnormalities. The couple decided to try and abort the one twin that had problems, and were hoping to save the other one. This is a very risky procedure and could obviuosly be harmful to the other twin that was okay. Well, after the abortion the remaining twin was delivered and after a few hours she died. The family contacted the chaplain(my friend) and wanted him to do a service for the twin that was delivered but not for the twin that that was aborted just before the delivery. He was very upset about this and did not want to do that. I do not understand how the parents of these twins could act as if the aborted twin was nothing at all to be remembered. I thought this was a very sad situation, and I wanted to share it with everyone. I was outraged about it when I was told this story.

[SueC]

That makes he feel sick to my stomach! How sad!

How very sad indeed. Just when I think I've heard it all and nothing can surpise me about the dark side of human nature, something like this comes along. Your chaplain friend must be an amazingly strong person to be in that profession in the first place, not to mention having to deal with a situation like that.

[fluffhead]

It sounds awful, but I would be reluctant to judge this couple until I'd been in their place.
What they've been through and the decisions that they've been forced to make over the last several months - I think that in the larger scope of things, not memorializing one of their dead babies is a pretty minor slip, and one that can be overlooked.

I saw this thread early this morning and have been thinking about it all day. I do think it is so, so sad. But also sad that the couple faced such a difficult decision as this.
Not knowing the whole story (and I don't think that anyone besides the couple and their healthcare providers do), I have to think that they were overwhelmed with grief.

[PrincessFiona]

how can this be?

I also saw this thread earlier and have been thinking about it for most of the afternoon. My initial reaction was similar to Laurens...I felt horrified by what had happened....when 'fluffhead' mentioned the circumstances around it and not passing judgement my first reaction was to...not be very understanding. I admit it, I'm more conservative on this issue.

But...I have the privilege of being able to be conservative because I've never faced this situation...I hope that I never will.

I can imagine though that this couple was devastated by the news of the deformity....

Severe defects and abnormalities

sounds like it could have possibly effected the course of the pregnancy anyway? or that the child would have spent it's life perhaps in an institution or in need of 24/7 care? Who knows what the extent of the 'severe defects' was? In any case, I would think that the parents might even feel kind of angry at the deformed twin? This isn't rational necessarily, but up until that point in the pregnancy, they had celebrated having two babies....then they found out one was badly deformed and faced a heartwrenching decision...and at the end of the day, their dreams were completely taken from them.

Perhaps the minister will be able to help them work through these feelings and could encourage them to bury both babies....right now they are likely acting out of their pain and hurt and may even regret the decision not to have a service later. They also may be feeling a lot of guilt.

Again, I am pretty conservative on this issue...there are many success stories of babies born with mr or other mild forms of disabilities. At the same time, there are many heartbreaking stories of babies born severely disabled that suffer and are medically very expensive. Not everything is covered by most health insurance policies. We recently had a woman here who carried a severely disabled child to term and then had fundraisers to pay the bills. The child died several months later, but up until that point she required 24/7 care, had breathing problems, etc. For the parents, I'm sure it was a daily nightmare "will it be today?". My heart really broke for that mom and dad. Are we doing anyone a favor by bringing a baby into the world that is severely disabled and might suffer more during the course of their lives than anything else? I don't know the answer to that question. I'd like to belive that I would 'choose life'...but thankfully,I have never had to face a decision like that.

In any case, my thoughts and prayers are with this family....

Kris

[Auspicious]

I agree with fluffhead on this one. My impression from reading the post is that the affected twin had zero chance of ever drawing it's first breath and that the healthy twin only had a chance if it continued as a solo pregnancy. Even if I don't agree with their handling of these losses, it seems at least understandable that such extreme duress could cause them to make such a choice. It sounds more like psychological self-preservation rather than just bad behavior. I hope the chaplain talked with them to help them work out their feelings about both twins.

I have to prelude my post with a caveat. It is only my opinion and and I am not passing any judgment on either the parents or anyone who disagrees.

It doesn't surprise me that the parents don't want a formal burial for their "less than perfect" child. After all, they had no problem aborting it. And, no, I haven't been in their position but there is no doubt in my mind that if I were, I would consider both fetuses to be equal. I think it is very sad that they don't. I am not questioning whether or not this is a terrible, gut-wrenching position to be in. It obviously is. I am not questioning whether or not they should have aborted the baby with defects. But I do know that if I gave birth to just a leg, I would've given that leg a proper burial.

But that's just me.

It doesn't surprise me that the parents don't want a formal burial for their "less than perfect" child. After all, they had no problem aborting it. And, no, I haven't been in their position but there is no doubt in my mind that if I were, I would consider both fetuses to be equal. I think it is very sad that they don't. I am not questioning whether or not this is a terrible, gut-wrenching position to be in. It obviously is. I am not questioning whether or not they should have aborted the baby with defects. But I do know that if I gave birth to just a leg, I would've given that leg a proper burial.

But that's just me.

Well said. I haven't been in the parents' position either, but I have to wonder what mind set one has to be in to consider one child a child and the other a mass of deformed tissue. I've never believed I had the right to choose anything for anyone but myself, but my husband and I had a conversation very like this a few months ago. We've started trying to become parents, and he raised the issue of genetic testing since I'm so old. I said I'd rather leave it up to G-d, and we get what we get. And that's my choice. I also base that choice on growing up around my aunt, who has spent her life working with severely disabled kids. Who gets to decide what perfect is, anyway? I'm sure there are some people who would express outrage that I would consider it my right to bring a deformed child into the world just to be a burden on their tax dollars. So everyone's got an opinion, but what's the real truth, what's really the right? And what standard do we measure this against? I'll admit, I'm probably the one of the most judgmental people I know--I just believe that losing sight of what's right is a greater sin than being judgmental. At least this issue has made us all clarify where we each stand within ourselves...

[PrincessFiona]

my view

I just have to clarify for the record that their choice wouldn't necessarily have been mine, and that I feel that they should have had a burial for both..I was just suggesting some reasons why they might have been emotionally overwhelmed and not thinking clearly...this is where I think the pastor could make the most impact.....I wasnt' defending her right to not have a burial for the other child...I just feel like I might be misunderstood here....I just simply have empathy for the pain that they are in...


Kris

[Rapunzel]

I cannot pretend to understand why the parents didn't have a burial for both. My offhand speculation is the parents felt any or all of the following towards the aborted baby: denial, guilt, shame, possibly even revulsion (particularly if they saw the severe birth defect(s). By not burying their child they are in a psychological sense denying their loss. In the end it may come back to haunt them by not having the closure of burial and the acknowledgement of a deceased child....

There are very severe birth defects that are incompatible with life (anancephaly comes to mind) and it is very possible that keeping the affected twin *may* have endangered the life of the healthy twin. I almost faced a similar issue with my twin pregnancy. I was diagnosed with twin-twin transfusion syndrome and told that should the condition progress beyond a certain point (ie beyond transfusing amniotic fluid between the sacs having much affect) I would lose one of my daughters. The options were 1)leave the dead/dying twin in utero and HOPE the other twin didn't die as well (likely in that scenario) or 2)abort the dead/dying twin and HOPE the abortion didn't cause the other twin to spontaneously abort (very possible).

So, I can see that something like the original post COULD happen. I see serious problems (both for the present and the future) in the way the parents' emotionally handled the situation.

ON THE OTHER HAND, if the baby was aborted IMMEDIATELY prior to birth (as in within days or hours prior to birth) in order to kill it easily (ie before it is "born" it is not legally "alive") and avoid life support and/or raising a child with severe birth defects then that offends my deepest morals and I find those actions abhorrent. In that case I see no justification beyond pure selfishness on the part of the parents. Even those who are not physically "perfect" deserve to be treated with dignity.

[mommax3]

I have thought about this a lot since it was first posted. I hear about these kinds of cases quite a bit because of my husband's specialty, and although I have quite STRONG feelings about the morality of abortion in general, I think this couple was in a horrible position, with a horrible decision to make. However, their actions after their decision are inconceivable to me.

The advances of technology have brought us some wonderful things, but they have also taken us to the edge of a very slippery slope. (Some would say that we have gone over the edge already.) How can it be that doctors can now perform intrauterine operations to save babies with life-threatining defects when babies of the same gestational age and with the same defect (or no defect at all!) can be aborted? Something is very wrong with that picture, and I don't think our country is better off as a result.

Having said that, I think all of the right-to-life arguments would hold a lot more water if all of those who are making them (including myself) would adopt one or two kids that are stuck in the foster care system.....

Sally

[Rapunzel]

Having said that, I think all of the right-to-life arguments would hold a lot more water if all of those who are making them (including myself) would adopt one or two kids that are stuck in the foster care system.....

Sally

That's an excellent point. Problems with this are twofold, however: 1)the process of legally adopting within the United States is so lengthy and horrendous that it inhibits adoption and 2)going through private agencies or doing international adoptions is cost-prohibitive for the vast majority of Americans (myself included at this time in life). Aside from these hurdles (which are pretty huge) I agree with you!

My first thought when I read the original post was one of complete sadness. I was at first shocked by the parents attitude of only wanting to bury one child so I was sad for the rejected baby. Then I was sad for the parents and the terrible situation they were in. I think it would be a huge mistake for them not to bury both babies and I hope the chaplin and/or counselor can help them come to grips with their grief. I think they will regret it for the rest of their lives if they don't bury both babies. I am sure that there is a lot of anger and guilt directed towards the baby with birth defects. It would be a terrible situation to be in. I'm sure they had to disconnect themselves from the baby in order to abort it. It would be very difficult and painful to try to plan a funeral for that baby but it is something they have to do. There are always consequences to our actions.

Robin