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Hello all. I've been checking this board for a long time now, but this is my first time ever posting. There is so much good advice floating around here, and so many understanding voices, and I was hoping to get some of your opinions. Not many people understand what it's like to live life in medicine so it's difficult to get understanding about these situations. That's why I've come to post here.
Well, to make a long story short, I'm just a regular guy who is a junior medical student in California. I entered medical school right out of college and these past two years I was so thrilled about being able to follow my dreams. I'm not one of those people who wanted to be a doctor since childhood. It was only since my junior year in college when I got serious about medicine. I thought it would fulfill all my ideals and desires for a career. I thought I would wake up in the morning and be thrilled about going to work, and then come home each day with a sense of fulfillment. You know - just like what most people think when they get into this profession. Getting to help people each day the way a doctor can, how cool is that? I knew it would be rough but I felt I could do it.
Well the first two years went great and I did very well in my classes. It was actually much easier than everybody makes it out to seem. But starting with the surgery rotations, things changed for me drastically. It's the whole sleep deprivation thing. You know, 100+ hour weeks and 36 hour shifts every four days. I felt so nauseated everyday that I couldn't function. Every moment of everyday/ night I felt like the room was spinning! I would come home and just fall into bed. Then I would wake up again much too early (at 3:45am for the normal days) and go back to the hospital. That was my life, everyday. (well, every two weeks I would get a whole weekend off - whoopdie doo) I guess it's obvious what happens when there is no balance in your life. I just completely burned out. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.
I was ready to quit. I couldn't stay up one more minute, let alone fathom another 5 or so years of this routine (including residency). But after speaking to the dean of my school, he said that I should take a leave of absence instead. He said not to make any decisions while I was so exhausted and emotional (I was emotional - but who wouldn't be at that point?) It made good sense so I took his advice about the leave. Right now I am just looking at my life and trying to reevaluate.
It's difficult. I don't know what else I could do with my life at this point. Some have told me that I should just get that MD after my name (even if I don't want to/can't go through a grueling residency) and it would open so many doors. However, if there are doors out there I have never heard of any of them. I don't know if will be truly to my benefit to get this degree. For one, it will put me in a financial stranglehold. For another, it will keep me from taking some other path in these next two years. And lastly, I feel that I am giving up my basic wellbeing to obtain it. I felt it really was changing me for the worse. You know how they always say you will become so cynical and cold after medical training? I vowed I would never let that happen. And I never imagined it could happen to me - it's so not my personality. But it started to happen. I really became disillusioned with medical life. The stress is simply unexplainable.
I hear SO MANY stories from dissatisfied doctors. It makes me think if any of this will be worth it. You've heard it all before. The overregulation, the liability, the stress, lack of family time and freedom...etc. I just don't want to end up in my 30's disillusioned and with no way out. I can do a search over the internet for unhappy doctors and get thousands of hits. If I do one for satisfied doctors, I may get a few, but usually from the very scholastic personalities writing to some kind of journal- you know the kind that head the medical programs and give your graduation speach. The ones that say 36 hours shifts and 110 hour weeks intall a sense of duty to your patient. AKA the ones I can't relate to.
And also, after seeing what the medical profession is like and how we train/haze our own - I have lost much respect for the profession. You would think that after absorbing all this information about the body and well being, we would have some common sense about it. The things we are supposed to tell our patients - that you should eat right, exercise, keep a good with sleeping routine with at least 8 hours a night, avoid stress, and have a balanced life - are exactly the things the medical culture strips from our lives during residency. I came into medicine really wanting to help people. But after that 19th hour where I am so exhausted, but have almost another 18 hours straight yet to go, I just stop caring. I have never felt so exhausted. I could go on about how absurd I think the training is - but I won't. There is enough data out there for people to plainly see regarding sleep deprivation and it's harmful effects. (Like the published data that being up for 17-19hours straight is equivalent to a BAC of .05%, and being up for 24 hours is equivalent to .10%. Yet we are still forced to be up for another 12 hours making decisions about very sick people.) If I could build a time machine I would go back in time to find Henry Osler so I could smack him upside the head.
It's not as simple as just "going for two more years of school." Those two years will cost me another $70,000. And if you suppose that I could make, say $30K per year for the those two years if I were working instead, that makes me have a $120,000 difference in just 2 years! That's a house! I hate to say it but money is a factor. I am not rich (two years of medical school has dug me a hole so deep it's scary!), come from a house that could never afford to pay for my college, and don't have another way to pay tuition. I am not at all interested in signing up with the armed forces. That's just paying for things via years of my life instead of dollars. It's good for some but just not for me. Plus I'm pretty confident I wouldn't want to continue on to residency.
It's difficult to be postponing life. I feel fortunate that I don't have any children at this point so life should still be an open book. No house payments or needing to provide for the kids and such! I don't even have a dog. Yet above ALL THINGS, I want to be able to take care of my future wife. It may sound cheesy but she would be the most important part of my life, career is nowhere even close. But medicine seems to take away all. It's rough being a husband or wife of a doc. You all seem to say that much. Well, unless you're in derm. Derm rocks.
I really feel that I would be a good doctor and I would enjoy the doctor life if I could just make it past this fraternity "rite of passage." But is it worth the price? You know the saying, what good is it if you gain the world but lose your soul? Is it worth it? Am I crazy? I think no, but I do invite counter points.
My patients always told me I was going to be such a good doc and they wanted me for their future doc. That always felt really good. Sometimes I'll come across one in the grocery store or something and they'll ask what I'm doing. Everyone sounds so disappointed when I say I've stopped! But I can't explain all this. It's a long story. OMG look how much I've written so far. OK I should stop.
So there's a bit of my story. What do you all think about leaving medicine behind?
Thanks for reading all my rambling,
Erik
Well, to make a long story short, I'm just a regular guy who is a junior medical student in California. I entered medical school right out of college and these past two years I was so thrilled about being able to follow my dreams. I'm not one of those people who wanted to be a doctor since childhood. It was only since my junior year in college when I got serious about medicine. I thought it would fulfill all my ideals and desires for a career. I thought I would wake up in the morning and be thrilled about going to work, and then come home each day with a sense of fulfillment. You know - just like what most people think when they get into this profession. Getting to help people each day the way a doctor can, how cool is that? I knew it would be rough but I felt I could do it.
Well the first two years went great and I did very well in my classes. It was actually much easier than everybody makes it out to seem. But starting with the surgery rotations, things changed for me drastically. It's the whole sleep deprivation thing. You know, 100+ hour weeks and 36 hour shifts every four days. I felt so nauseated everyday that I couldn't function. Every moment of everyday/ night I felt like the room was spinning! I would come home and just fall into bed. Then I would wake up again much too early (at 3:45am for the normal days) and go back to the hospital. That was my life, everyday. (well, every two weeks I would get a whole weekend off - whoopdie doo) I guess it's obvious what happens when there is no balance in your life. I just completely burned out. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.
I was ready to quit. I couldn't stay up one more minute, let alone fathom another 5 or so years of this routine (including residency). But after speaking to the dean of my school, he said that I should take a leave of absence instead. He said not to make any decisions while I was so exhausted and emotional (I was emotional - but who wouldn't be at that point?) It made good sense so I took his advice about the leave. Right now I am just looking at my life and trying to reevaluate.
It's difficult. I don't know what else I could do with my life at this point. Some have told me that I should just get that MD after my name (even if I don't want to/can't go through a grueling residency) and it would open so many doors. However, if there are doors out there I have never heard of any of them. I don't know if will be truly to my benefit to get this degree. For one, it will put me in a financial stranglehold. For another, it will keep me from taking some other path in these next two years. And lastly, I feel that I am giving up my basic wellbeing to obtain it. I felt it really was changing me for the worse. You know how they always say you will become so cynical and cold after medical training? I vowed I would never let that happen. And I never imagined it could happen to me - it's so not my personality. But it started to happen. I really became disillusioned with medical life. The stress is simply unexplainable.
I hear SO MANY stories from dissatisfied doctors. It makes me think if any of this will be worth it. You've heard it all before. The overregulation, the liability, the stress, lack of family time and freedom...etc. I just don't want to end up in my 30's disillusioned and with no way out. I can do a search over the internet for unhappy doctors and get thousands of hits. If I do one for satisfied doctors, I may get a few, but usually from the very scholastic personalities writing to some kind of journal- you know the kind that head the medical programs and give your graduation speach. The ones that say 36 hours shifts and 110 hour weeks intall a sense of duty to your patient. AKA the ones I can't relate to.
And also, after seeing what the medical profession is like and how we train/haze our own - I have lost much respect for the profession. You would think that after absorbing all this information about the body and well being, we would have some common sense about it. The things we are supposed to tell our patients - that you should eat right, exercise, keep a good with sleeping routine with at least 8 hours a night, avoid stress, and have a balanced life - are exactly the things the medical culture strips from our lives during residency. I came into medicine really wanting to help people. But after that 19th hour where I am so exhausted, but have almost another 18 hours straight yet to go, I just stop caring. I have never felt so exhausted. I could go on about how absurd I think the training is - but I won't. There is enough data out there for people to plainly see regarding sleep deprivation and it's harmful effects. (Like the published data that being up for 17-19hours straight is equivalent to a BAC of .05%, and being up for 24 hours is equivalent to .10%. Yet we are still forced to be up for another 12 hours making decisions about very sick people.) If I could build a time machine I would go back in time to find Henry Osler so I could smack him upside the head.
It's not as simple as just "going for two more years of school." Those two years will cost me another $70,000. And if you suppose that I could make, say $30K per year for the those two years if I were working instead, that makes me have a $120,000 difference in just 2 years! That's a house! I hate to say it but money is a factor. I am not rich (two years of medical school has dug me a hole so deep it's scary!), come from a house that could never afford to pay for my college, and don't have another way to pay tuition. I am not at all interested in signing up with the armed forces. That's just paying for things via years of my life instead of dollars. It's good for some but just not for me. Plus I'm pretty confident I wouldn't want to continue on to residency.
It's difficult to be postponing life. I feel fortunate that I don't have any children at this point so life should still be an open book. No house payments or needing to provide for the kids and such! I don't even have a dog. Yet above ALL THINGS, I want to be able to take care of my future wife. It may sound cheesy but she would be the most important part of my life, career is nowhere even close. But medicine seems to take away all. It's rough being a husband or wife of a doc. You all seem to say that much. Well, unless you're in derm. Derm rocks.
I really feel that I would be a good doctor and I would enjoy the doctor life if I could just make it past this fraternity "rite of passage." But is it worth the price? You know the saying, what good is it if you gain the world but lose your soul? Is it worth it? Am I crazy? I think no, but I do invite counter points.
My patients always told me I was going to be such a good doc and they wanted me for their future doc. That always felt really good. Sometimes I'll come across one in the grocery store or something and they'll ask what I'm doing. Everyone sounds so disappointed when I say I've stopped! But I can't explain all this. It's a long story. OMG look how much I've written so far. OK I should stop.So there's a bit of my story. What do you all think about leaving medicine behind?
Thanks for reading all my rambling,
Erik
You are right thought that other specialties DO allow you to have a nicer lifestyle...like dermatology as you said. What you might need to do is focus on finding the field that best suits your lifestyle and using that focus to help get you through the shitty (excuse my french) months of call ahead. You can do it!
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