DH works all time - get used to him gone, do my thing, he gets mad?!?!?

Since 3rd year of Med School till now - once DH is out of loop and at hospital working for long stretches of time - I get used to doing my own thing. Here is where it gets sticky - I get in trouble and he gets mad at me - for NOT INCLUDING HIM?!?!?! Grrrrrr. For ex: this past weekend - he is mowing the lawn b/c it looks heinous - I have kids trying to keep them at bay - instead of staring at him from the house, I decide to take them for an HOUR to visit my sister and her kids who my kids have a blast with. He gets TICKED and says I should stay home with him so we can be a family. DON'T GET THAT when he is mowing the lawn. Tonight - he tells me he switched weekends and will be home Halloween weekend to go with kids trick or treating. I tell him we are going to party at person's house who has kids my son's age but will then trick or treat by ourselves. He gets ticked AGAIN - tells me he doesn't want to go over there. We should be able to do stuff by ourselves. I get mad and tell him I feel isolated b/c I am either at work or at home watching kids while he is at work or at home with kids and him b/c he doesn't want to do anything. In all honesty, am I being selfish and rude to him? Not trying to be, but jeez. I can't meet anyone or find friends we can all socialize with b/c all he does is work or zone out in front of fb or play with kids.

[DCJenn]

I suspect the underlying thing may be guilt compounded with panic that you all are negotiating life without him.

In a calmer moment just ask him what the real deal is. You cannot live life waiting for him- it's unrealistic and it sets your kids up for constant disappointment.

This is not a discussion to have while you're still seething though. You're an adult and deserve to be treated as such. You're not the entertainment committee.

Jenn

I'm sorry. My DH is the opposite - encourages us to do our thing so he can catch up on sleep. If I were in your shoes I would tell him that you guys need to have playdates and the kids need to keep busy. You will plan things during the day or nights he's on call, and keep the days he's expected to be home free. However if there are last minute changes and you have committed to other plans, things might not work out for family time that day. This is generally what I try to do - keep us open the days we think he'll be home, he inevitably is not home and we just make last minute plans.

[ladymoreta]

It sounds like you guys have gotten out of sync. I agree with mrsmcms about trying to keep his off-work days/nights free, and letting him know about scheduled things in advance. DH and I don't have kids' schedules to deal with yet, but we have a calendar that we write everything on - his call schedule, my social plans, and plans we have for spending time together. That way, he doesn't have to try to remember when I have things scheduled, and when I'm setting up things with my friends, I can try to do them on his call nights. If he ends up having a change to his schedule, it isn't any surprise that I won't be there.

I don't think you're being selfish, but I can also see why he's feeling frustrated, like DCJenn pointed out. He loves you and the kids, and he can see how much he is missing out on. When he was mowing the yard, he probably was feeling sad that he was having to do chores when he would rather be spending time with you guys. It sounds like he is a good man who would not complain about having to do the chores, but he did miss all of you when you left and probably didn't handle it by expressing the emotions he was really feeling.

[SuzySunshine]

I don't know about trying to keep his off days clear - we do this sometimes but now that A is getting older she gets invited to birthday parties and other things which are going to fall on his day offs. I'm not going to tell her she can't go because I think that will affect her friendships, etc.

I think if he changes his schedule after you've already made plans all bets are off - you can't read his mind and you have no idea what that schedule is sometimes until days before the next schedule period starts.

I agree with Jenn, when he's in a better mood on another day I would try to get to the real root of the problem, I also suspect its more of a anger at himself that he feels like he's missing the kids growing up.

Big big hugs - I think having our own lives, on some level, is the only way to get through this process.

I don't know about trying to keep his off days clear - we do this sometimes but now that A is getting older she gets invited to birthday parties and other things which are going to fall on his day offs. I'm not going to tell her she can't go because I think that will affect her friendships, etc.

For us this was a day in June and a day in September, so it didn't affect the social calendar greatly.

[DCJenn]

If I planned my schedule around my husband's I'd be a hermit with no social outlet. Honestly, I didn't pick his job, he did. I think the medical spouse has to be flexible in ways few other spouses face. I'm not going to not go to the gym because he's decided to be home on a Saturday morning. If he IS home, he can come with.

Jenn

DC Jenn - thank you for that validation. I agree on the social hermit aspect. I think (as we talked last night once he got to work) he sees my point... Thank y'all for the good advice and perspective!

I get frustrated with this as well. I keep a pretty busy calendar, but when DH has a day off, I feel like I am expected to drop everything and spend quality time.

It's annoying, and it's not fair, but if I didn't, I'm not sure how we'd ever reconnect.

[NYCHoosier]

So my favorite on the list of "ridiculous things DH has gotten upset about" was when he was annoyed that I wasn't mad at him for not being able to join me at parties and such. Uh, what?

Anyway, glad you got things worked out. Sounds like it might be a little bit of a communication issue, though, too. Do you have a family calendar? I find Google Calendar is really useful. DH can see mine, and I can see his (as well as those of groups I'm involved with). My calendar is also linked with his iCalendar, so when he syncs his iphone, it's on there.
So, before he plans to take off for Halloween, YH could check the calendar and see that you guys already have plans to go to a party that night.
I know that sounds too simple to be a solution, but I've found it's the little things that turn out to be such game changers.

[medpedspouse]

DH has learned (the hard way) to not change his schedule without consulting me first. We do our own thing for the same reasons most have stated - he is gone and our lives must go on. DH switched with his partner once and had two golden weeks off. "Grrrrreat - sweetheart - wish you had asked me because I have multiple meetings this week and next and will also be out of town for a meeting at the other campus - have fun by yourself" Grrrr.

I am sure if your DH had asked you about Halloween you would have informed him of your plans and the two of you could have negotiated his schedule accordingly.

[scrub-jay]

So my favorite on the list of "ridiculous things DH has gotten upset about" was when he was annoyed that I wasn't mad at him for not being able to join me at parties and such. Uh, what?

Anyway, glad you got things worked out. Sounds like it might be a little bit of a communication issue, though, too. Do you have a family calendar? I find Google Calendar is really useful. DH can see mine, and I can see his (as well as those of groups I'm involved with). My calendar is also linked with his iCalendar, so when he syncs his iphone, it's on there.
So, before he plans to take off for Halloween, YH could check the calendar and see that you guys already have plans to go to a party that night.
I know that sounds too simple to be a solution, but I've found it's the little things that turn out to be such game changers.

I can second Google calendar - it works so well for us! We can both see each others calendar and neither of us is out of the loop. I can never keep track of his class schedule - it seems so random, but he is really good about keeping it updated for me (and him I'm sure).

[niener]

I can second Google calendar - it works so well for us! We can both see each others calendar and neither of us is out of the loop. I can never keep track of his class schedule - it seems so random, but he is really good about keeping it updated for me (and him I'm sure).

Ditto on the Google calendar. It's been a life saver for us.

My thought has always been, "I have to adapt to your schedule, and you will have to adapt to mine". He gets pissy sometimes but has learned to live with our schedules also.

Thank you to everyone for great insight.