Dealing with time off

[bobk]

I would love to hear how other med spouses deal with their doctor having a day off, especially if you have kids. It's generally a good thing, but I've found it kind of stressful in its own way. For us, we typically have two days per month in which my wife is either not working, coming off a 24 hour shift, or catching up on sleep on a Saturday after working virtually 2-3 weeks straight. This creates a tremendous amount of pressure to make the most of those two days.

Our options are: 1) Do something fun as family 2) Run an errand or make a purchase that require both parents to be present 3) Do projects around the house (usually one parent works, while the other watches kids) 4) The doctor watches the kids, giving the other parent some time to do something fun.

We usually end up doing 1 and/or 2, as it's the only way my wife and I can spend any time with each other and with the kids. It's so hard to prioritize though, and we usually end up a bit disappointed because we have high expectations.

[v-girl]

Hubby and I still insist on date nights. Doesn't matter if we put the kids to bed and then sit and watch a movie. Or we send the kids to my mom's or my sister's and go out. As for family time, the kids don't care what we do, as long as they get some time with Daddy! I homeschool our girls so all three kids get a lot of time with me. We go do fun stuff or just run to Target. Doesn't matter as long as it's as a family.

[alison]

I hear you. It's hard when you have high expectations for the how the day should go, and then you feel like the day whizzes by without having really done anything substantial.

We usually go out to have brunch, browse at a bookstore (with kid in tow), go on a walk, run an errand or two, get home early and eat dinner in front of a movie together.
The brunch thing is great for us, because it fulfills two silly criteria: we get a big breakfast without having to do any dishes. We can sit and relax for a good hour or two (depending on if our baby is happy), and actually focus on sitting together as a family.

This is really tough. I completely hear you on this one. Because there is so little time to spend together, I usually build this day up in my mind and always end up getting angry about him being "tired" or not wanting to do anything. Honestly, I think the best way to combat tention around it is to talk about it ahead of time. This is usually in email format or IM format since we don't get face to face talk much. But, I try to communicate my expectations of him well ahead of time. That way, I odn't get mad. I also try to include something during that day that is just for our son. We'll go outside and go sledding or for a walk, etc. That way, I make sure he got good time with the parent that's never home. Our son is still very young. So, we use naptime as "our" time. This usually consists of a quicky and him falling asleep for the rest of the afternoon. Something else to keep in mind. If you are having a hard time taking care of the business aspect of the family without your spouse around, get power of attorney. It will make your life much easier. That way, you can deal with some of the problems without him/her. You will have the legal right to all of his stuff... banking, insurances, taxes, titles, etc.

Good luck!!

Lacy
Wife of soon to be MS1 (7 weeks!) and mother of a 2 year old son.

[peggyfromwastate]

How old are your kids?

We started to schedule each kid for a special one-on-one with a parent-- DH will go with the boys one month, I'll go with the girls the next month. This is usually going out to a restaurant (like Denny's)-- something that takes about an hour, but gives a chance for the kids to spend one-on-one with the Dr (that's DH for us) to spend time with each kid alone at least 6 times a year... Sad, but there it is. Without this on the calendar and made a priority, there would be no one-on-one.

We also schedule on one day off a month (we try, it's hard) a family outing. This usually means missing church, but I'm OK with that. It keeps the family stronger I think to have some time together. We take turns choosing the family outing, but it has to be something that everyone can do. We have done museums, zoos, that kind of thing. Not errands. Not shopping, but going to a new fancy mall is OK.

For us, the key is getting it on the schedule. Once on the master calendar, I have to enforce it b/c dh will not remember. When he's off, he's too tired to function. But I can tell him where we are going, what we are doing, etc.

If there are more days off, sometimes I'll have him do stuff around the house, but that means I have to watch the kids more and keep them out of his way. It's hard to do that. We're starting to outsource more and more household stuff that I won't do (like cutting the grass). Most of the time, though, I'll opt to have him take the kids somewhere so that I can get stuff done in the house. Usually it's just cleaning, but still, having the house to myself without having to worry about the kids is a big relief.

[DCJenn]

Any expectations for fun activities as a family were beaten out of me during fellowship. Now, I have zero expectation that he's going to be around on the weekends and if he is then great. I already have stuff planned so if he's here then he's welcome to tag along. Not that he's a jerk or anything about wanting to be here, he would much prefer to be here but there is limited time to read eegs during his work week so he has to get it done on the weekends. (that's an entirely different rant about the disparities between child and adult neurologists so I'll hold back!)

That said, we also live walking distance to 90% of the fun activities of San Antonio so it's not like it's a huge deal to get to the zoo, Farmer's Market or the Children's Museum, etc.

Jenn

[diggitydot]

What is this "day off" you speak of?

[smama]

It varies - I can't remember the last time DH didn't at least have to go in to round in the AM. Some sort of date is always appreciated, brunch, coffee, a long walk. Some days there is stuff that we just need to get done, DH ALWAYS has the car, so big grocery shopping, Target runs, stupid errands can eat up the day in a flash. Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut when DH is post call and can watch the little one - I have been looking forward to these few hours of "me time" for weeks! My ideal day is one where we have NOTHING planned and DH doesn't go in AT ALL. We get up really late - like 7am , he is in charge of ALL the meals, go for a walk, maybe watch a movie, I take a long bath, DH gets to see the little one awake. I can't even tell you the last time a day like this happened.