I am calm!!!!!

[TigerLily]

my husband is making me INSANE right now.
He has worked 12 hours a day this week, including Sunday and has done 2 30 hour shifts. All week I've been looking forward to him finally being home tomorrow night to spend some time with us and he informs me that he is going to his friend's house to have a cigar after work. ARGH. Then I told him that I was annoyed by this and instead of talking about it he just disappears upstairs and refuses to talk to me until I've calmed down. And I wasn't even yelling or ANYTHING! I was just talking! And I never EVER say that I'm annoyed about anything. I always keep my mouth shut and try to be supportive. While he's upstairs spending his one hour while he's home that our baby is awake checking his fantasy teams, or when he goes golfing with his friends on a saturday morning.
SO I figured the only possible way I could calm down is if I told SOMEBODY and I don't feel like hearing my friends or family give their two-cents on the subject because they don't know what it's like to have an intern husband.
The longer I sit down here stewing over this the closer I get to losing my temper.

I hope this didn't make me sound totally insane.

[Thirteen]

Zoe,
Okay, take this for what it's worth, as I have no children of my own and I know nothing much about your relationship.
BUT...

Single or Married:
Spending down time on personal interests or hobbies? Sure.

Enter children:
Spending down time on personal interests or hobbies that do not include spending time with your children? My gut instinct is "Ummmm, no."

Yes, your DH should be able to do all the things he wants to do, in a perfect world. But medicine is not perfect. When free time is so scarce, and being involved with your son or daughter is the other option to cigars, fantasy sports, etc., I'd say picking the child takes precedence. Instead of getting super angry and getting confrontational (which, by the way, I would be guilty of), he has to figure out how to balance the things he needs to do to unwind with the responsibilities (and JOYS) of having a spouse and children. There is no free pass. No free pass.

[v-girl]

[ladymoreta]

I totally agree! Not okay. The problem is how to address the situation and get him to understand without feeling attacked/getting defensive. I guess the best advice I have is to talk about it when you're both calm, but I would be ticked, too.

ETA (edited to add) - I think guy time is really important, and should be encouraged *if* he's had at least a little quality family time. He hasn't, so that's why I'd be so upset, which sounds like what you're saying, too.

[GrayMatterWife]

SO NOT OK AT ALL. I wouldn't be pissed about DH going to have a cigar with a friend (he can't smoke cigars in my house or anywhere near the kids!) but I would be speechless and angry if he spent his free time on fantasy football. Seriously, how old are you? Grow up, buddy. You're a DAD. Fantasy is over, reality is here.

[Pollyanna]

Fantasy is over, reality is here.

Amen!!!

[DCJenn]

Intern year.

it can suck.

Jenn

[TigerLily]

an update: he eventually came downstairs and apologized. He decided that he would come home after work, have dinner with us, put Ayla to sleep and THEN go have his cigar. I guess I probably should have been a little nicer since he was post-call. I'm just soooo tired by the end of the week that I might have been a little extra sensitive. And...I think I would rather him do fantasy sports than smoke cigars. blaugh...he stinks for days no matter how many showers he takes. lol

[ladymoreta]

I'm glad he came back to his senses. Sheesh. I understand that you feel guilty, but try not to. Part of the job of being a medical spouse is letting them know when they're out of line, and it sounds like he was.

I'm with you on the cigar thing. Yuck! DH will occasionally go to a cigar lounge and have one with his friends, and it stinks! The first time he went, I was pregnant, and he tried to come to bed without showering... Nope! I even made him put his dirty clothes in another room. I could still smell it, but at least I wasn't gagging.

I am glad he came to his senses, and what he proposed to do seems like a pretty good compromise.

Sometimes they don't think things through fully, before speaking. He was thinking about number 1, not remembering he is married with a baby that makes him number 3! Again, glad he came around. One lapse in judgement during intern year is acceptable, if this is recurring you may need to have a serious talk about your expectations of him.

Good Luck!

[TigerLily]

LOL! mine did that to me while I was pregnant too! I remember days later being in the car and having to hang my head out the window to avoid vomiting. I was like a week later that the stench finally disappeared. With my next pregnancy we will be having a no cigar rule.

[MarissaNicole]

Glad things worked out - this is a great place to vent!