changing his career choice

It just really sucks sometimes! I want him to be happy and I also want to be happy. The balancing everything out seems to be the challenging part.
And what stinks even more is that 4 year electives to do out rotations are coming up, which may affect where we get in for residency, which means we need to decide sooner rather than later on a specialty.

It's so hard. S was one of those people that wasn't sure WHAT he wanted to do... he still doesn't and he is first year residency. I honestly don't think you know what you are getting yourself into until you are headfirst, completely into it I know, that doesn't sound very encouraging.

Yes, he has to choose what he wants to do with the rest of his life by the end of his fourth year. That's the bad news.
The good news - is that if he REALLY hates it, there are ways (they are crazy difficult but ways) to switch specialties should you get through first year of residency and know for SURE that this isn't what you want to be doing.

Many people do it, it's crappy - but it is possible.

I am thinking of you, because I know we had a REALLY hard time figuring out what S was going to end up going into.

[poky]

My husband already changed his career from engineering to medicine (hence why he's in med school at 30), and I was fully supportive of that decision- but now I don't feel bad at all saying that surgery is out for us due to the time commitment- and he agrees. Now, I agree if it were the one thing in the world that would make him happy, we might talk more about, but he feels there are lots of other options. I think quality of life for BOTH of you should be a huge factor in the decision.

Ditto, on all counts (except my DH is even older). I think it's a combination of the pragmatism that comes with having been out in the "real world" for 10+ years and the fact that surgery training is longer (and usually harder, too, hours-wise), and he's already old enough; he'd rather be out sooner and without killing himself in the process.

[JC76]

Realize I'm weighing in late here... Such a great discussion, I don't have anything much to add except to share our experience. As DH was going through med school he determined pretty quickly that he didn't want to do internal medicine, family medicine, etc. He got too frustrated with non-compliant patients. Although I actually thought he'd be a great fit for either one because he has great bedside manner, strong diagnostic/clinical skills, etc. Instead, he found he loved procedures, was fascinated with surgery, and toyed with the idea briefly. He wasn't someone who dreamt his whole life of being a surgeon, it was just something that he came to believe he would be good at during med school. And I think he probably would have been good at surgery, technically. BUT - I was very forthright with him from the moment he started talking about it. I didn't feel his personality was the right fit for surgery and I thought the training process would eat him alive. Furthermore, while I want him to be happy in his career, I won't stand by and watch him choose a career path that would necessitate his job ALWAYS coming first in his life. I think when you're a surgeon (or many other different specialities, too many to name) you have no choice but to put your job first. It's just the nature of the beast. And from my perspective, life is too short. If it's your passion, fine. But frankly, we had been together 4 years before med school, got married his first year of med school, and by that point I think I earned a say in his choice of careerpath because it all affected me and my life 100%.

In the end, he chose EM because it seemed the best blend of procedures, variety, patient contact, salary and lifestyle. And he's totally happy with his choice. And I thank god that I spoke up and put a stop to the surgery discussions early. Having gone through residency with him I am certain that he would have been miserable in surgery. It would have eaten him alive. And I can honestly say that he and I hashed out every residency option together. Once we narrowed it down to what we felt were the best options for him I stepped back and said alright, it's your job, I want you to go to work and be happy. I don't care how much money you make, I just want you to be happy in your job. BUT - that was after we narrowed the possibly residency options down to a few we could both live with.

I haven't had to talk to Mr. SD out of surgery, but I'll admit that I'm relieved that it isn't something that interests him. If he were to suddenly come home one day while on his surgery rotation and say that he changed his mind and that he LOVES surgery, then I would hear him out. I would definitely try to convince him to change his mind. I wouldn't completely DEMAND that he do something else, but I would tell him that I believe that choosing a specialty that allows him to be happy in his LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK is just as important as choosing one where his is happy while at work. Sure, I wouldn't encourage him to go into something that he HATES, but surely there has to be a "runner-up". There has to be another field that he might not enjoy the work in quite as much, but it wouldn't be absolute torture to him. Ya know what I mean? Anyway, we would talk about that. And if he felt like every other specialty would in fact be torturous, then I would completely support him in going into surgery if that's what he felt passionate about.

But I hope Mr. SD and I don't have to have conversation....

And I think he probably would have been good at surgery, technically. BUT - I was very forthright with him from the moment he started talking about it. I didn't feel his personality was the right fit for surgery and I thought the training process would eat him alive.

Very much this. My dh did General Surgery for his intern year, and I ... helped him realize ... that switching was in his/our best interest. I distinctly remember saying "Look. They weren't all BORN a$$holes. Training beats it into them."

Of course all surgeons aren't a$$holes, but I bet every surgery spouse on here will acknowledge truth in what I say.

[houseelf]

Of course all surgeons aren't a$$holes, but I bet every surgery spouse on here will acknowledge truth in what I say.

Um, yeah. Even the ones that come off as normal have some part of their personality that can chafe. It really isn't a normal lifestyle even after training.

To be fair, it can be said that many a surgeon's wife and husband has beyatch or bastard side too. They've had to learn to push back or medicine will eat them alive.

Kelly

[GrayMatterWife]

I don't think the NSG residency has made DH more of an as$hole. Maybe he's atypical, but he's really a nice person. He's really not an as$hole--he wasn't to start with and he isn't now. Training has actually has the opposite effect on DH--it's made him a more attentive, compassionate person. And he DEFINITELY is a better husband and father. Before residency, he was very into himself. It was always about his needs and his plans and his abilities. It wasn't due to him being an as$hole; it seemed to be more of a result of not really having had the life experience of a real job and seeing real suffering. Now, in his last year of residency, he has a better perspective. He is more willing to share--his time, his attention.

Maybe it's not a personality strength in his field, but I get comments all the time from nurses and docs in other depts about how respectful and patient DH is, and how much they like to work with him. I'm very proud of that...although DH always says for me to NOT repeat that to anyone in his dept. Apparently, it would not a respected quality!

Not to say that DH is perfect...at all. I just don't think he's an as$hole. Maybe has as$hole-ish moments, but then, who doesn't?

S has said that he has run into a few REALLY nice surgeon's. He comes home and that's the first thing he will mention if that does happen!
I don't think all surgeons are as$holes but there are a group of them that ruin it for the bunch.

GMW - S sound A LOT like your hubby. He just doesn't seem to fit the "surgeon profile" - whatever that is.

S has realized very quickly that surgery may just not be for him. We will see what the future brings!

[GrayMatterWife]

GMW - S sound A LOT like your hubby. He just doesn't seem to fit the "surgeon profile" - whatever that is.

I guess my only advice is: don't let NOT being a big prick discourage him from SURG. But realize that you will probably also be dealing with a lot of them!

DH cares deeply about people and will go to sacrificial lengths to care for them. But he's also very confident in his own conclusions, such that I've had to learn to push back. (The exception is an interview setting, which can make him totally flustered.) I'm sure our upbringing has something to do with this. He's the oldest in a very large family where he was expected to be in charge. I come from a family that is so agreeable that it can be a joke to make a joint decision.

In many specialties, the combination of compassion and ultra-confidence is a must. But how it affects marriage dynamics is a different story.