*Sigh*

[masked_rose86]

I'm not sure if some of you remember me from my post about a month and a half ago when my husband had to take sick leave from work since he was questioning whether or not he could handle residency, was having panic attacks, and not sleeping (which was the major problem).

He is back to his normal self. Which is WONDERFUL. He went back to work, and has been doing wonderfully.....to the point he's getting compliments from attendings and senior residents. This is a huge relief and has relieved some stress on both of us that we still know where we are headed (as in our "life plan" hasn't changed), AND it is a relief to have my husband "back".

But now the reality of two busy schedules (I'm a pharmacist, retail). So far in the last 2 months, we've had 2 days off together.....and not only that, but they were when we had company. So we haven't really had a real day where we could just be a normal couple. I'm trying not to be depressed about it.....but it is so hard to know all other "normal" couples have weekends off (aka AT LEAST 8 days off a month together). It is just hard to think about this and know it is only going to get a little better. This particular program is changing the rules next year to only allow 1st year residents to be on for 16 hours in a row......so what will this mean for him as a 2nd year??! It just really sucks to have to anticipate that things won't really improve for awhile if ever..... (He is doing internal medicine and is hoping to get into an endo fellowship).

I also am not feeling very happy with where we are living. I'm having trouble settling in since most of our friends are families, either newlyweds with "normal" schedules or young babies at home. I can't just call a girlfriend to come over for a chick flick when DH is working late or on call. It just sucks to not really feel like I have the same female friend support system I did when we were both in school the last few years.

I know I have to make the most of this.....realize this IS my life and I can't just be thinking it is on hold till he gets done with residency. With my luck, we could end up here for his fellowship also (gosh that's so depressing!!!!!). I am twice as far from family too here.....which adds to my frustration. I'd gladly even go back to where we were for college since that was at least a car drive away from my home state.

I'm just so worried we will never end up where I want to be.....that sounds selfish, but I just really want to be closer to family and friends and in an area I will be happy in if DH is going to always be really busy.

It also frustrates me because I honestly can't fathom having kids with our current schedules. When we got married last December, we hoped to start thinking about starting a family after a year.....with my stress level right now, the tiny amount of time we have together already, and how little ability my husband would have to give me the support I would need during pregnancy and taking care of a baby scares me. There is no way I'd be able to continue to work since I don't know of a daycare that would accomidate our schedules......anyways, again I just feel like our life is on hold, even though I know I shouldn't put it in that light.

Ug....sorry just need to vent somewhere. I don't want to make my DH feel bad, but it is hard to be completely content with how things are. I just wish I could find some hope that things will get better and we will be able to move in a few years.....I just worry that I shouldn't hope and I should find a way to be content with things. *sigh*

I imagine since you ladies are going through many of the same things you won't judge me for a long post of complaining..... I just need to get it out somewhere. To people who understand. Any thoughts/advice would also be welcome, even though this post was more of a vent.

[diggitydot]

I'm so glad your DH is feeling his typical self again. Stress can do some strange things to people.

Hang in there. This point in the med training process sucks balls. Do whatever you have to do to keep your sanity in place. I recommend wine. Lots. of. wine.

[HouseofWool]

I remember your original post. I am glad to hear that time off seems to have helped so much! The lack of sleep can do bizarre things to people. Vent away, we all understand the pressures you are under. Eventually, you will get to a place where you are better able to handle the crazy schedules - thankfully people are adaptable! Hang in there.

[ides]

I'm glad to hear that your dh got some time off and is back to himself and doing MUCH better! The first year of residency can be pretty intense. What am I saying? All of residency is pretty intense it just gets better/different as you rise up the ranks. Post often.

[ladymoreta]

I'm so glad he's doing better with the stress and lack of sleep, but now it sounds like it's your turn to need to take care of yourself. Venting here is a good start - we feel your pain!

I can definitely relate to your feelings of frustration towards other couples. We have a weekly Bible study group, and I go solo more often than with DH. Then I see all of them and know that they had an hour together before group and that they have the rest of the night together. I do get sad when I think about it. Or sometimes their husbands will go out of town for a night or two, and they'll say something like "I don't know how you do it all the time". And it just drives in the point that this just isn't normal for most people.

I can't speak for attendinghood, but during residency, you eventually find a system that works and gives you a reasonable comfort level with an unpredictable schedule. He'll start getting a feel for whether it will be a normal day or a late day, so you can plan accordingly, and you'll start finding positive things about call nights.

When you have kids is a purely individual decision. People on this site have been making it work during every stage of training, working and staying at home. If you don't feel like it would be a positive experience right now, it's fine to wait a year and reevaluate then. Don't let anyone pressure you into it.

Big hugs, and feel free to come vent here whenever you need to!

Hugs. It does get better, or at least you get used to it & find ways to manage so it doesn't drive you so crazy as a couple.

[L.Jane]

I remember your earlier post and I am glad he is doing better.

I understand the wanting to be near family. We are in the east. My family is in the midwest and his family is in the west. Its so hard, especially around the holidays when you aren't near family. I too am hoping that eventually after training we can be near family, but I am also losing hope on that. I do like where I am, which makes things a little easier. I have been selfish too. If J is scheduled to work through a holiday, I jump on a plane and go home. Its selfish, but since we don't have kids and he is at the hospital, I do what I can to stay sane and not resent him for having to work through the holiday. You have to find what works for the two of you. For some its getting up and having breakfast, or waiting until he gets home for dinner. Just finding time for the two of you. I am starting to ramble here, but I just wanted to say, (in a long winded way), I feel ya. Stick around and post often, that's what the site is for.

[oceanchild]

I've been there, too. And we don't have kids yet, for similar reasons. It frustrates me to no end that I get all these 3-day weekends (and some 4-day weekends, because I'm a frequently furloughed government employee), and DH works through them all. And then he gets these week long chunks, and it's super hard for me to take a whole week off. I worry our schedules will never line up... it's not like people stop getting sick on the weekends, y'know?

The 16-hour thing is actually a pending rule change for everyone, not just your program. It sounds like here it's going to result in even fewer weekends off. DH is going to be PGY3 and probably miss the bulk of the hassle, but it's definitely a concern.

Anyway, a lot of your complaints are common ones here. We get it.

[Bittersweet]

Been there, felt that. My absolute least favorite part of residency is the lack of shared days off. I’ve modified my expectations and know that for the vast majority of months there is no such thing as a weekend off. It sucks big time and is one of the main reasons I am considering a career downsize in April when our surprise baby is due.

With that said, it has gotten easier for me now that I’m settled in our new location and am used to DH’s unique and unpredictable schedule. Hopefully, it will be the same for you. Hang in there and take it day by day.

[DCJenn]

Glad to hear that things are better. The scheduling thing is a perpetual problem. We have yet to figure out a solution other than me taking off time from my job to attend to whatever is needed. To the point where I have NO leave at work. It's annoying. The fantasies that I have about not working don't involve anything more than being able to go the grocery store unaccompanied by my 6 yo or actually having a day, all day to myself.

I have to agree that you may not EVER assimilate into your current community- some of us get lucky, and others are stuck in places that they never imagined. Most of us by the time we left residency had made friends or at minimum, made peace with the lack of friends where we were. If things pan out, you can maybe get back to where you want to go for attendinghood. Most of us in attendinghood on the site are where we want to be- or at least closer to where we want to be.

Keep posting- it helps! and trust me, there is nothing you could post about your husband's journey that we haven't seen or heard before so don't be afraid!

Jenn

[cylverdust]

I remember your earlier post. I am so glad to hear that your DH is back to himself and doing well. I know being in a new area sucks. It really does and you have to adjust sans the person you are there for. We recently moved to a new area too. I joined Meetup.com and found a group near me that I was interested in. It has helped tremendously in adjusting to and even liking the new area. Hang in there. Hugs to you.