bad news from FIL

[TigerLily]

So, my husband is on call tonight, so he's gone and almost impossible to get ahold of. His dad just called me and told me that his (husband's) grandma just died. Should I wait until tomorrow to tell him when he gets home? orrr page him? I don't think he'll be too terribly upset about it, I mean...he WILL be upset, but not like crying sobbing on the floor, either way he might not want to find out while he's working.
thoughts?

[MarissaNicole]

I would tend to call and tell my DH but that's such a personal thing. I think DH would want to know so that he could tell others in case there is a chance he could make it to the services....

ETA: My sympathies to you and DH on your loss.

[Tenacious_D]

First off, i am sorry to hear the sad news. If it were me I would want to know but that's just me. I hate to feel like people decide for me what and when I should hear news. Just my opinion.

[TigerLily]

yeah..i'll go ahead and page him. I just never know about these things. I guess otherwise he might see it on facebook and that would be really sad. Just the fact that that is an issue is sad in itself!
Thanks for the concern. I'm actually really relieved. His grandma was in poor health already and then she was in a bad car accident last October. She's been in a nursing home ever since on an awful roller coaster. It's been a daily fight for her to stay alive. Not to mention the calls to my husband almost daily asking medical questions that are impossible to answer. They even asked him to come in and have a "meeting" with the attendings that were in charge of her while he was a med student. ugh that is an entirely different issue. lol sorry.

[diggitydot]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We had the exact same thing happen a couple weeks ago. I erred on the side of paging DH. He was upset because it was his favorite grandma, but I felt he needed to know ASAP.

I'm so sorry.

I've had to do this twice. Once was when DH's sister died, and DH found out from an answering machine message when he got home. (I was out of town, and he was in surgery & didn't answer my pages.) He insists he wouldn't have wanted to find out while he was at work anyway.

The second time was this past spring when his dad had a ruptured aneurysm. I was able to reach him right away, and he took off from work immediately.

In spite of what DH *says* he wants, I'll always try to let him know right away. MarissaNicole's point about needing to make arrangements is a good one.

[bokelley]

I had to have DH pulled out of class during 2nd yr, to tell him his dad was being airlifted due to a ruptured brain aneurysm. Not fun times!!

[GrayMatterWife]

If it were my DH, I would go up to the hospital. I'd page DH. If he didn't return the page, I'd page the junior who was covering night float and tell him to find DH and bring him to me in the on-call room (for privacy). That is, I'd try to find him, in person, first. Hearing that kind of news over the phone sucks.

If he is not around because he's in the OR, I'd talk with the OR nurse (she returns the pages). If he was scrubbed in for a major case, I'd tell the OR nurse NOT to interrupt the case, but when my DH steps away, to have him return my page immediately. And I'd bring a book, to have something to do in the on-call room.

Actually, I MIGHT interrupt the case. I'd ask the OR nurse if there was an attending scrubbed in. If there is, and the attending is cool (some are not), I'd tell the OR nurse that there has been a family emergency and I need for DH to come to the phone. If the attending is uncool, I would proceed as I'd said in the previous paragraph. If there is no attending scrubbed in (that is, DH is flying solo or scrubbed with a junior), I would not interrupt.

[DCJenn]

We're more of the "so what exactly am I going to do right NOW" school of thought. During residency it wouldn't have matter if anyone other than MAYBE me had died- he wasn't going to get to go home anyway. As crass is it sounds, dead is dead. Knowing or not knowing isn't going to change things. When his step-father died, he was on-call so that was that. We had gone earlier to say our good-byes. If it was something urgent- like his when his mom had a heart attack, I got the news at home and he called home when he got a break. There wasn't anything we were going to do in Texas while his mother was in California.

I'm much closer with my family though- and I'd probably try to get there- I flew home immediately when my best friend's mom died. My dear husband was up at Ft. Hood as a resident. We had a diabetic cat and we were moving in five days so I just told him his choices were boarding the cats at $20 per insulin injection plus tests or he could figure out a way to come home- but I was leaving. He figured out a way to come home.

Jenn

[moonlight]

I'm really sorry to hear that news.

[ladymoreta]

I'm really sorry for your loss. Big hugs!

Since you don't know his preference, I think it's good that you went ahead and paged him. Later, you can ask what he'd prefer in a similar situation.

[peggyfromwastate]

My grandpa is on the verge of death every single day now. He's totally living on borrowed time. For someone who could literally pass away at any moment, I would like to know, but it's not something I'd page my DH about. I would reserve the pager for real emergencies.

Of course, take it for what it's worth because once I paged DH to find out where he'd put our only binkies... The ones that we got at the hospital. That was to me a total emergency... But I thought DH was in the clinic, and so if I paged him he could get back to me in between patients. Instead he was in the OR (they'd switched), and his attending had the nurse call me in the OR to ask what I needed.

I could have died of embarassment... But DH's attending was cool- they just made Dh the butt of several jokes that day...

Anyway, this is why I love text messaging. I can send him a message, he won't be disturbed in the OR, and he can text back when he has a chance.

I think the advice to ask him what he'd like you to do is spot on.

Oh, and Jenn, we've been informed of the *missing work for death in the family* policy too. Which is maybe if it's someone directly related to you, as in your mother, father, siblings, children, spouse... But otherwise? Don't ask.

[diggitydot]

We were really lucky. When DH's grandma passed unexpectedly (she hadn't been even a little sick), the program was wonderful. They gave him the time off to fly to WA for her service/wake and even a couple days to hang with his family and make sure his dad was doing all right. Awful situation, but the program as exceedingly supportive.

[medpedspouse]

Oh, and Jenn, we've been informed of the *missing work for death in the family* policy too. Which is maybe if it's someone directly related to you, as in your mother, father, siblings, children, spouse... But otherwise? Don't ask.

I hate this policy. Who's to say who is really close to you? Some people are not close to their mother, father, etc. but may be close to an aunt/uncle or a friend, etc. Hate it, hate it,hate it.

[peggyfromwastate]

Yep. DH is way closer to most of my family than his own family.