Things we've learned...

[twinsmom]

Hey, everyone -
I am helping my husband put together a seminar for the spouses of incoming first year med students. One thing I thought it would be fun to put together for them is an "I've learned that..." booklet from other spouses/SO who have gone through the medical route. So, if you get the time, could you think of some of the things that you have learned that have helped you and your SO make it through (even if it's just through the first year ).

It can be funny, serious, inspirational, (One example is that I learned that it's not such a good idea to have twins three days BEFORE Step I Boards... but if you do, you will survive!) etc, etc, any little thought that you have would be great!! Thank you so much. Oh, and if you could also put your name, your so's year in school, and place where you are (optional). That would be great!! (oh, like some of you posted earlier, I've also learned that taking up dinner is a good excuse to see my hubby on ugly, nasty call nights ).

Thank you so much for your thoughts and comments! Take care and have a good laugh today!

Jen B.

[PrincessFiona]

hmmm

I'll have to think on this one and then write my response tomorrow....I want to give the question time to get my thoughts together.

You might also try browing through our articles for some more ideas...

This sounds like a great idea! You'll have to keep us posted....and...give us a copy to post when you're done

kris

[Auspicious]

Okay, we've only survived MS1 so far, but based on my experience there I'm going to say I've learned the following:

I've learned that it's still imperative to ask for what I need from my med student, but it is worth my while to wait until the day after the test to ask.

I've learned that it's much easier to establish good habits from the beginning of a new endeavor than it is to try to change bad habits at a later point.

I've learned how to be happy with our relationship based on the quality and not the quantity of the time we can spend together.

I've learned that the best advice I got before all this started was "You may sometimes have to do the laundry when it's not your week, but overall don't let your med student run over you."

[Rapunzel]

Off the top of my head:

I've learned that you can go through periods of disliking someone you love and that is perfectly normal.

I've learned that surgical call gives a man a very good idea of what it's like be a woman with newborn twins. (Time, energy, and sleep-wise).

I've learned that it is highly important to love what you do everyday.

I've learned that it is not a good idea to have your husband take your two year old to lecture while you go to the store.

I've learned that my kids prefer the taste of powdered milk over "real" milk! 8O (For those times we needed milk but had no $$$).

That's what I can think of now. I might have more later. Oh yeah, here's my info:

Jennifer
PGY-3 (in 3 weeks that is)
Brigham and Women's Hospital, Radiology

I've learned that it is not a good idea to have your husband take your two year old to lecture while you go to the store.

I can't imagine why....

[SuzySunshine]

My husband is starting his last year of rotations and the application/match process at Stanford University. My thoughts are:

Anatomy is hell! If you want your spouse to survive med school allow them to learn everything they can in that class it will pay off later.

I know you want to spend as much time as possible with your spouse but make sure they have time for assisting with classes or volunteering it will look better on their resume and help them with residency.

If your spouse is like mine he runs in one mode only. That mode is medical school, you have to keep the social calendar, you have to buy his family's gifts, you have to remind him of things, the list could go on and on.

Quality of time spent together is so much more important than quantity because while being in rotations is better than being in classes there are killer rotations where you'll be lucky to see your spouse more than a few hours a day, if that.

Allow them to have WEEKS without interruption to study for Step 1. As a friend once told us, you spend 2 months studying for Step 1, 2 weeks for Step 2, and 2 days for Step 3. Their Step 1 score could make or break their residency.

Find yourself something to do. Whether that be going back to school part time, having kids, joining a club or organization, making and keeping dates with friends, or picking up a hobby - you have to have something to do in your time away from your spouse, to keep your sanity.

Keep dates with friends even if your spouse ends up being home, your time is just as important as theirs.

That is all I can think of for now, I think this is a great idea. Here at Stanford there is a great "partners" group at the Business School, yet the medical school has never been able to get one off of the ground. The University even provides funds for it.

Good luck with your seminar!

Cheri

[SueC]

Cheri's response reminded me of something very important I learned last year. I now have to screen my husband's mail--I toss out the conference stuff and open anything that looks imporant so that it doesn't get lost in the sea of papers that wind up on his desk. We learned this lesson the hard way--my husband did not remember getting the letter to re-new his license so he accidentally let it lapse. One month into his fellowship it was discovered and he wasn't allowed to work until it got taken care of. It took several trips to our state capitol to plead with the board of healing arts plus some pulling of strings to get his license re-instated and retroactive. Plus we had to pay some pretty big fines!!! One year later he still gets teased by the whole department about this!

[DCJenn]

Some things that I've learned:

1) Make plans and then keep them, even if your spouse backs out.

2) Take over the checkbook, the grocery shopping and all vehicle maintenance. And anything else that might cause you or somone you love to either be hungry, homeless, or stuck on the side of the road. Awake people are much better book-keepers.

3) Have stuff to do- I have an awesome career and lots of interesting activities and that has made all of the difference in the world.

4) Make friends with other couples, medical and non-medical- and I have found that our medical friends really appreciate having non-medical conversations!

5) Make sure that your spouse knows that you love them, even when they are grouchy and tired. (or as it's known in our house, "wearing his grouchy pants")

6) Make lists- it's the only way to manage multi-pringed projects like moving, finding a home, finding a job, paying the bills, etc.

7) Go to family functions, go visit your friends, go home to visit your parents- EVEN IF your spouse can't go. I have relatives who still have never met him and we've just celebrated our third anniversary. But, more importantly, I have been able to be there for all of the important events of my family. Yeah, it would have been better had he been able to go, but I wasn't willing to miss events to sit at home and feel sad or resentful! Go, you'll have fun.

Jenn-

Wife to a soon-to-be peds neuro fellow. and no longer homeless...
On our way to DC- three more days!

Here are some of my thoughts based on our experience -- things we learned the hard way, things we did, and things we wished we did.

1. As Cheri mentioned, anatomy is very important. If your SO studied primarily in fields other than organismal biology or physiology (like molecular biology or chemistry), anatomy may be a big change. And they could get frustrated because a fair number of their fellow students will have some degree of background in anatomy. Tell them to hang in there and that just because they don't honor in anatomy doesn't mean they won't honor in another class.

2. If your SO has worked for several years between undergrad and medical school, getting into the "swing of things" could be a big adjustment. Again, just hang in there for the first quarter or semester. It usually gets better after that.

3. On a practical note, you SO will probably REEK of nasty chemicals after anatomy lab. There are all sorts of tricks, but we found that using a swimmer's de-chlorinating shampoo was best at getting rid of the odor (two shampoos and use it all over the body). The smell does go away when anatomy is over.

4. Medical school can become all-consuming. It doesn't need to be. Try to have a date night once a week and a weekend afternoon without studying. Try to get away at least once a year even if it's just for a day or two. It's easiest if you get in a habit of doing this right away. Your medical student will not flunk out of school if you have dinner together for a few hours once a week! Your SO is more than a roommate -- sometimes they need a gentle reminder of this. Eric was usually very appreciative of my insistence of a study break -- after the break . It gave him a chance to clear his head and adjust his perspective.

5. Encourage your medical student to join a study group. It helped my husband immensely to find a group of students with compatible study skills and similar speed. On the other hand, if your medical student is in a study group that is not a good fit, encourage them to get out of it as soon as possible! Now is not the time to be altruistic and tutor classmates at the expense of their study time.

6. Re-evaluate the division of labor in your house. Will the chores that your medical student usually does still fit with their schedule? You may want to take on more time-sensitive chores in exchange for more flexible ones. Say, you start paying bills and walking the dog who likes to walk at 5:15 on the nose and the student does the laundry. (This wasn't a problem for us -- Eric managed the checkbook and bills all through medical school without any problems. That changed in residency). During medical school, your SO will still have time to pitch in. Trust me!

7. During the clinical rotations and residency, you may want to learn how to do things around the house you don't know how to do. Do you know how to fix a blown fuse? Turn off the water main? Turn off the water to a toilet or sink? Do you know where all the important papers are? etc.

8. I agree with Sue and Jenn's comments about scanning mail, taking over the checkbook, grocery shopping, and car stuff. This was not an issue for us during medical school but it was during residency.

9. We found it easier to give our relationship the care and feeding it needed during medical school. Residency is harder. Take advantage of this time.

Please note most comments are for medical school. It's a whole new world with residency! Also, we didn't have a child until the end of medical school which made our finances more flexible and made it easy to study at home.

[peggyfromwastate]

3. On a practical note, you SO will probably REEK of nasty chemicals after anatomy lab. There are all sorts of tricks, but we found that using a swimmer's de-chlorinating shampoo was best at getting rid of the odor (two shampoos and use it all over the body). The smell does go away when anatomy is over.

.

Where do you buy this de-chlorinating shampoo??? I really hate Formaldehyde! I worked in Chem labs for about 3 years, and usually I like the smell of aldehydes in general, but not formaldehyde...

Thanks for the practical tips! Keep them coming, everyone!!!

Peggy,
I'm trying to remember where we got the shampoo. I think that swim supply stores (they sell a lot to swim teams, etc) have the de-chlorinating shampoo. Thinking back on this, I remember buying the shampoo from a beauty supply place - like Sally Beauty Supplies or something like that. I might have misspoke (mistyped?), though, because I am now remembering that it was a clarifying shampoo or something fancy-sounding like that -- a shampoo that removed build-up from your hair. I think the brand was Sebastian and it was an aqua greenish gel. So maybe you could try a shampoo intended to strip residue from the hair. I'll see if Eric remembers what it was. I think a de-chlorinating shampoo would work too.

Another tip -- Eric wore two or three pairs of gloves. He might have had a special kind beyond the regular latex. I'll ask him that too. I think that he also tried to wear the same clothes during the anatomy lab -- clothes that he didn't want to keep afterward! The smell really does penetrate EVERYTHING. Eric's experience might have been a little worse than usual because (warning: gross) his cadaver was really skinny and didn't have as much fat to absorb the liquid. Ewwww. Sorry. 8O

Ok, Peggy. I asked Eric about all of the formaldehyde precautions.

Shampoo: He went to a beauty supply store at the mall and they suggested the shampoo (he agrees that it was blue-green and thinks it was Sebastian). The person helping him said that she recommended it to remove chlorine (that's where I got that!) and thought it might work for the formaldehyde as well. About $8-$10 but worth every penny!

Gloves: Eric bought "special" gloves from the bookstore and put those on first followed by a pair of regular latex gloves. He doesn't remember the name/type of gloves but said they were blue and cost 3-4x the price of regular gloves. The gloves well worth the money as his hands were the hardest thing to de-stink.

Clothes: He wore the same clothes for every anatomy lab. Washed them separately from other clothes. Happily threw them in the trash at the end of anatomy lab.

Good luck!

[houseelf]

Is it too late to respond to this thread?

Here are some thoughts.

1. Your marriage isn't a failure just because you had a big fight. In fact, the sign of a good marriage is learning how to effectively argue and survive it.

2. Make your marriage a priority, even if you are the one having to schedule the date night, sitter, vacation, dinner at the hospital. Sometimes one of the partner has to carry the relationship, this is life.

3. Always have something to look forward to. Knowing that something nice like a trip home, or a fun party, a fancy restaurant outing, a night of physical intimacy, is waiting just around the corner makes the most unsurvivable rotation survivable.

4. Don't forget your own dreams and desires in supporting your spouse's career.

5. Build a great support network independent of your s.o.'s profession.

Kelly

[Rapunzel]

Amen to everything Kelly just said!!!

[mommax3]

All of these are so good -- I wish I had seen them while DH was in medical school. I only have a couple to add:

1. This too shall pass -- I know that is an oldie, but it is still true. No matter what is going on, time will pass and so will the hardship. Fight to keep your sense of perspective.

2. Don't wish your life away by putting all of your dreams on hold for when your significant other is done with training. Find ways to enjoy your marriage and make memories in the midst of all the hard stuff, and don't put your personal goals on hold, either. Remember that life is what is happening NOW, not what is out there somewhere in the future.

3. Pace yourself -- this whole process is NOT a sprint. Save something for residency, because it will be harder than med school.

Sally