cupcake affair

[TigerLily]

It's my husband's birthday today and he's on call. Me and my daughter surprised him with some cupcakes and a card at the hospital only to find that a nurse had brought him in brownies and ice cream.
I feel a little twinge of irritation, aaaand I had to post on here because I'm sure he would just laugh in my face.

Okay maybe not actually laugh in my face, but he would definitely think that I am being ridiculous. Maybe I am, but I like to take care of my own husband thankyouverymuchlanddnurse.

[TigerLily]

I'm usually not a jealous person at all, but that definitely gave me a little bit of a sinking feeling. Such a little thing, but it's like they are his family now. We barely see him, we tried to do something nice and special for his birthday and someone else had beat me to the punch!

[MrsK]

This sort of thing happens to me all the time and it makes me furious. Around the time of DrK's birthday, he told me that one of the residents (young, female, single) was coordinating a birthday dinner for him. Notwithstanding that he told her to contact me to make the arrangements, she never did. At least he had the sense to insist that the celebration be planned at a time that was convenient for me and BabyK to attend. He's also brought home balloons, baked goods, and little gifts from nurses and co-workers to mark occassions like "end of this one-month rotation." Of course the co-workers are nearly always single and female -- though there was that one time when a male med student planned a midnight bbq at the hospital to celebrate the last night float of DrK's internship. . . While I appreciate that he is well-liked, it always makes me uncomfortable that women I don't know are going out of their way to do these things for him. I don't know these women and, while I don't want to be irrational, I don't know their motives. Men don't know that a woman who is interested will make subtle gestures like bringing in the coffee he likes just because he happened to mention it. Then, also, I think that his (young, female, single) co-resident is sometimes just clueless and doesn't realize that inviting him to happy hour or coordinating a birthday dinner without consulting me would be stepping on my toes.

Yeah, that would bother me. And I'm not a particularly jealous person either. It's more about not ever seeing my husband and being a little jealous of the hospital and it's staff for getting to see him all the time. And then to feel as if your efforts were sort of upstaged by the nurse's would piss me off. My husband has no clue that those little gestures could mean anything unsavory and maybe they don't but combined with a lack of face-to-face time with him they make my hackles raise a bit too. I'm glad I'm not the only one!

I don't think it's really about a fear of a romantic encounter, it's like Zoe said "it's like they are his family now. We barely see him, we tried to do something nice and special for his birthday and someone else had beat me to the punch!" That's the part that stings.

Get to know the nurses & residents. And make sure you & your DH are on the same page about what's ok/not ok for those relationships.

Hopefully it was just a kind gesture and that is all! And I hope you're able to celebrate together another day! Happy birthday to him!

[SoonerTexan]

Awww... I actually took a coworker out to lunch for his birthday the other day...but I am friends with his fiance too. Unless you keep hearing Nurse X coming up a lot in convo, I guess I would just chalk it up to someone being extra nice.

[MrsK]

Get to know the nurses & residents.

I try to do this too. . . but then DrK usually works on locked wards at mental hospitals so I have very limited contact with his workplace. Even if I send cookies to work, I cannot attach a card because he doesn't want potentially dangerous patients to find out that he has a family. I think that makes it even weirder. . . he cannot display pictures of his family or speak about us within earshot of patients.

[SuzySunshine]

It would piss me off and I know most of the nurses that DH works with, one of them very well.

If it was a type of thing where the nurses take turns and they do all the doctors and each other or if everyone goes into a pot and its just one's responsibility to actually do the shopping that would be one thing but yes, if she did it all on her own I would be irritated.

I agree with Deb, get to know the nurses. Stop by and say hi on nights or weekends that he's working especially because in my opinion those are the nurses/shifts that can have the most extra time and lead to trouble. And even if its not today have the conversation with your DH, tell him that you know he spends more time with these people then he does you and you know that he would never do anything inappropriate but some men need to be knocked over the head to realize someone else is flirting or after them.

[Chrisada]

I would not be happy. I just feel like that is something that should have been left to you as his wife.

[TigerLily]

It definitely isn't that I think that he would ever cross any lines, it is totally just that I miss him and he is MYYYY husband, not the hospital's. It's so hard having a husband who spends the majority of his time around other people and those people see a side of him that I don't even know. It's like he has another life and I don't get to be a part of it. It doesn't matter how much I get to know the other residents and nurses etc...it just is what it is I guess.
I feel kind of like how I imagine I would feel if someone else wanted my daughter to call them mommy.

[diggitydot]

For me, it would entirely depend on which specific person was giving the gift/food. I hang with most of DH's female and/or single co-residents. Totally love them and think they're awesome. Favorite. Peeps. Ever.

However, if it was from one of the Dawkter Phuckers (the gals actively pursuing or "on the hunt"), I'd be less than thrilled. DH is 99.999% clueless to flirting, so his sense of humor and helpful nature are easily mistaken for more than just his basic personality.

Truthfully, though -- I'm not terribly worried about stuff like this. DH is popular (particularly with the nurses), but he's also a big boy and perfectly capable of tactfully asserting appropriate boundaries. And I trust him to do so.

[Meenah]

One of the departments I worked in at the hospital was small, and we took turns bringing in birthday treats for the nurses/techs/and doctors. Our department had the same small staff, and the same docs working there every week (Endoscopy). We had a "sunshine fund" that we contributed to each month to buy cards, etc. and we took turns bringing in the cupcakes/bagles/etc. It was all very innocent, we always included the docs and recognized their birthdays (but we never had them bring cakes, etc.) we just included them in our departments birthday tradition. We wouldn't have had a department without their patients!!! No hanky pany was going on. Just a small group of people working together on a daily basis. Hope this helps!!

[TigerLily]

I wonder how he would feel if he came home and the man neighbor had hung our Christmas lights outside the house. Probably a little bit of the same. Just a teeeeny bit of bitterness and jealously that he wasn't able to fulfill something that he considers to be part of being a husband. Nothing against the neighbor, just sad that it wasn't him.

[diggitydot]

Maybe. We have a retired neighbor who is always doing stuff like this. We return home and discover Bob has raked/mowed/put the garbage cans away/whatever. It's kind of a running joke. But we really like all of our neighbors.

[scarlett09]

For me, it would entirely depend on which specific person was giving the gift/food. I hang with most of DH's female and/or single co-residents. Totally love them and think they're awesome. Favorite. Peeps. Ever.

This. DH works with a lot of women and they have done things for each other's birthdays. I understand where you are coming from. It is a big adjustment from med school to residency where you feel as though they spend more time with their co-workers than you. I definitely felt some jealousy and a little bit of possessiveness when he started chatting about nurses/techs and hanging out with female co-residents in groups. It gets better with time and what helped me the most was meeting them (the co-residents, he doesn't hang with nurses outside of work). I think there wasn't any way for the nurse to know that you and your DD were going to bring b-day treats today. I'm sorry you were disappointed. I'm sure your DH really appreciated the gesture and seeing both of you at work!