We are on repeat...

For those of you who do not know anything about me... I'm a college student in PA, my Med school boyfriend is a student in NC and we are currently planning the next few years. I graduate in one year and he will still be in school in NC...

Maybe its me and I'm crazy, but maybe this is something that others have had issues with and I would love to hear advice and thoughts.

I'm about to graduate and move into "the real world" and I have no idea what I want to do. Thinking about pharmaceutical sales but not totally glued to the idea, but who knows. What I do know about my future is that BF and I want to live together after four years apart. He is in NC and so is my family so moving back is a no brainer, but at times I feel that all the plans I make is around his plans. And I understand that this can come with being in a relationship with a med student but I can not say that I always enjoy it. I feel as though I might miss out on what I want to do, even after his reassurance of telling me that we will make it work for both of us. I love him dearly and I want to be with him but I know that he will do whatever he needs to do to be the best at what he does. And at times it feels like I will be an after thought, or if I dont fit into his plans I just don't fit, he himself says he can be selfish, but he does love and take care of me. I don't know why I am feeling so insecure about all this, even with his reassurance.

I know this is not well written and the thoughts arn't all there but I believe that not having my feelings figured out is the problem. He assumes we are fine until I think that we are not. Its silly and confusing, if two people love each other why does other stuff have to matter? This is seriously the only fight we have and they don't happen that often, I just hate the way fighting makes me feel.

[SuzySunshine]

A lot of us have been there. What year is he? I don't mean to sound discouraging but pharm sales are really hard to get into right now.

You have to do what makes you happy because you'll be a trailing spouse/SO for many years. Find a job that you love and if that is near him, great, if not you'll make it work on weekends and holidays if necessary but if you find a job just because its near him you'll be miserable.

I gave up a job I loved to move to CA with DH when he was a med student and it was fine but I never found another job I LOVED and I know now I could have stayed in the job I loved and still seen him plenty even though I was in CO and he was in CA. Do what works for you guys but don't give it all up for him, if he truly understands he'll love it.

[oceanchild]

Hey. My husband and I both care about our careers a lot, and so far we've been able to "take turns" - we went where I wanted to go for med school, and then where he wanted to go for residency. But I know that won't work forever. If we have to move for fellowship (not outside the realm of possibility), I don't know what I'll do. It isn't easy.

I think the reality for us is that we have invested so much in his career that it will always come first. And that doesn't mean we won't do what we can to make mine work too, but if push comes to shove that's reality. He doesn't like to admit that, because he genuinely wants things to work out perfectly for both of us, but I think he knows it's true.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I guess my point is that flexibility is a hard reality. Moving here actually worked out pretty well for me, and what I'm doing now I love much more than anything I was doing in what I thought was my dream location. But you never know for sure how something's going to go until you're through it.

[MarissaNicole]

I know this is going to sound over-simplified, but you need to do what is best for YOU right now. For some that would be looking for their dream job, for others that might be moving closer to their significant other. Bottom line is that you need to do what is best for you and the rest will work out. If you don't do what is best for you, you will look back and regret it, and that will not be good for your relationship in the long run.
If you are tired of sacrificing your career for his, then go for it and start looking for your dream job, if you are happy at work, you will make it work with him, you've worked out long distance thus far. On the otherhand, if you feel that your priority is being near him, and that you can be happy in a job that is close to him, then do that.
Neither decision is wrong, you just need to follow your heart. My only words of caution are that if you are not okay with your job/career always taking a back seat to his you need to express and address that now. It may mean pursuing your career for a while so that you can be more flexible later on, or it may mean coming up with some sacrifice for the future (for example, you follow him through training, if he will go where you want when he is done with training). Either way, its not always easy balance your career and follow your aspirations when married to or dating someone in the medical field.

[poky]

but at times I feel that all the plans I make is around his plans. And I understand that this can come with being in a relationship with a med student but I can not say that I always enjoy it. I feel as though I might miss out on what I want to do, even after his reassurance of telling me that we will make it work for both of us. I love him dearly and I want to be with him but I know that he will do whatever he needs to do to be the best at what he does. And at times it feels like I will be an after thought, or if I dont fit into his plans I just don't fit, he himself says he can be selfish, but he does love and take care of me. I don't know why I am feeling so insecure about all this, even with his reassurance.

Yup. I feel fortunate in that I have skills that will get me decently-paying jobs, but I don't have any career ambitions, per se. I honestly don't mind following DH around; he has invovled me in every decision and I know that if there was anything that I coudn't live with, we wouldn't do it. For those who want to build a career and get somewhere in it, being married to someone in medical training is *hard*, though, I know. There's so little control, and training imbues an attitude of "what I'm doing is much more important than anything anyone else could ever possibly do" that doesn't help matters, either. I'm also fortunate that DH is older, and way too practical to buy the "I am a god" crap (or he's just smart enough to know that *I* won't buy it, so doesn't try to pull it on me).

The fact that your BF is at least saying he wants to consider your hopes and wishes and is aware of a tendancy for selfishness is a good sign. Keep the lines of communication open, TELL HIM when you feel like you're an afterthought, and come here to vent and get perspective from people who've been there and done that.

I can understand how you are feeling, and I'm sure there are many on here having different variations of this. I think you need to do what's best for yourself and your relationship if it's a plan in the future. Although Medicine does take the forefront of most things, it's not "everything" and your dreams and wishes are important. I'm not married to my SO either, but we operate as a married pair; what I mean by that is; we make decisions together, because they effect us both. I think relationship regardless of marriage or not, there is a certain level of compromising and working together so that both are happy. I know that with my situation, that my SO has the lead with most of things, because we can't control everything (<--military we are), but that when there were areas for choice, like the fellowship: it was what worked for both of us. I want to go Medical School, so finding a place that works for my Post Bacc education was so very important. We picked the place that was the best for me and him together.

I know it's difficult to always find that compromise, but I think sometimes it's for them, sometimes for you, and sometimes works out for both. As long as you both are working together, any decision that makes you happy will work. Team effort. It's not a perfect world. It wont always go the way we want. But you are both equally important in your relationship, and so are your dreams and aspirations. Only you and him can make the decisions of what will work best for you. Sounds like you guys are talking about the decisions ahead and I think that's great. I think communicating is so important, and if you are having feelings of "left out" you need to talk about it. It has a chance of building resentment down the long road ahead, and needn't be that way. Sounds like you have a strong relationship. I'm sure you'll work out what will work best for you both.

[Meenah]

Have you thought about Grad school in the city that he is in Med School? This could be the perfect time for it, no kids and him studying his ass off anyway.