Insight and Advice Welcome! Have a feeling I'll need it :-)

Hi! Hopefully this is the right place to post!!! Still new to this website, and I haven't had a chance to go through all the threads....so if this is a question/topic that has been asked 457893 times, please just kindly direct me over to those tags! I've been a lurker for awhile, LOVE it!!! Thought you all would be the perfect people to ask for some insight!!!!!

The boyfriend (or is "SO" appropriate?! still learning acronyms!!) just started that good ole PGY 1 spot (General Surgery) in a hospital about 3 hours away. He has this cute notion that we will get to see each other "often"...but I worked in the residency office at a hospital for a lonnnnng time and I know that he's probably just dreaming a sweet, hopeful little dream! Guess I'll let him go with that idea until he clocks the 80+ hr work-weeks himself I appreciate his dedication and positive attitude, though! I know he's going to be working a TON, and gone often! I'm sure ill miss him, but I don't mind it...yet! Perhaps that changes with marriage/cohabitation/kids (not necessarily in that order!!!) etc.??

We've been together for about 1yr and 1/2...any suggestions for how to make this transition easier for him? Any insight AT ALL about what the upcoming 5 years might present?!

Kind of vague...I know! But I'll appreciate anything at all!

THANKS for readingggg! HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pollyanna]

First, don't worry about making the transition easier for HIM, think about how YOU are going to work through the transition. Let's face it, they have plenty to keep themselves occupied, it's the nonmedical spouse trying to figure out their life. Never skip something because he is working, go and live your life. Figure out how as a couple you can continue to build and strength your relationship with so little time together. And yes, he is on crack if he thinks you will see each other on a regular basis. My husband and I live in the same home and we could go for days without seeing each other. Good luck and welcome!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

First, don't worry about making the transition easier for HIM, think about how YOU are going to work through the transition. Let's face it, they have plenty to keep themselves occupied, it's the nonmedical spouse trying to figure out their life. Never skip something because he is working, go and live your life. Figure out how as a couple you can continue to build and strength your relationship with so little time together. And yes, he is on crack if he thinks you will see each other on a regular basis. My husband and I live in the same home and we could go for days without seeing each other. Good luck and welcome!

I agree with this. Residency is when they finally get to play doctor...he's probably really excited about the transition (though he will go through a majorly dramatic depression 1st year probably when he realizes he's on the bottom of a very hateful totem pole).

[DCJenn]

Basic instructions-

Live your own life. Do not hold dinner, dinner plans, vacations or trips. Get used to doing things on your own. If you don't have things to do, find some. Be prepared to attend major life events on your own. (this holds true even for attending spouses, it really, really never ends)

Do not, DO NOT cater to their every whim because trust me, three years into this you do not want to be doing everything. (you will be doing almost everything as it is) That said, things that you probably ought to take over include: all bills, all car registrations/renewels, all utilites/rent/mortgage payments need to at the minimum be in both names even things as mundane as gym memberships and netflix rentals. Manage it all now because he (and all interns) will screw it up.

Make sure that all parents, siblings, best friends, etc. understand that he doesn't have control of his schedule and never will again. Again, as in ever as long as he is a physician.


And now, welcome aboard!

Jenn

[corn poffi]

Welcome! I feel your pain. My bf will be starting his intern year in a city about an hour and a half away from me. I'm planning on moving to there as soon as I can find a job in his city, but I'm not counting on that any time soon...damn economy. Just hang in there and live your life. (funny how I'm currently sitting in my car outside of his house waiting for him to get back from the hospital...)

[L.Jane]

I agree with the above posts. Take care of you and your needs.

My fiance is just finishing his pgy3 year of gen surg. I lived halfway across the country from him his intern year and we had been together under a year when he moved for residency. Its a B#$%. One thing that helped us survive was webcams. Sometimes we wouldn't even talk because he was so exhausted. We would just turn them on and it would be like we were in the same place. Pathetic, but it helped. Intern year you are lucky if you get one weekend day off, let alone a golden (both). He is going to be in for a big shock if he thinks you will have plenty of time to see each other. I flew to see J for a week that first year and spent most of the time doing tourist stuff. I saw him only a little of the time I was there and even spent my last night alone before going to the airport because he was on call. Honestly, IMHO, 3 hours might as well be halfway across the country because for the most part, its going to be you doing the drive becuase if he did it, hed have to turn the car right around and go back once he arrived. Its a lonely life having a gen surg for a SO, but it can work if you do what is good for the both of you. Sorry to be such a thundercloud here, but just telling you my reality. Yours will be your own adventure. If you have any questions or need any support you have come to the right place.

[MrsPotts]

Hi and welcome!! I really do not have much advice as my husband just finished his first year of med school! I just wanted to say hello!!

[diggitydot]

Yeah, he's smoking copious quantities of crack if he thinks you'll see each other often. I'm married to a dude who graduated from a very friendly, supportive, non-suck program and even we sometimes went days without so much as a greeting because he returned home while I was asleep. It's not the end of the world, but your dude is being a tad unrealistic.

As one of the gnarled old hags here, these are some things that I've learned over the years that would have made my life easier had someone kindly clued my naive ass in on:

-Suckage doesn't go away, it just simply reappears in other areas.

-The only thing that can be relied upon is your med peep's inability to be reliable.

-Do not EVER try to have a meaningful or important conversation with someone who is post-call. They won't remember it, will say stupid shit and do nothing but piss you off.

-Dont get your panties in a wad when they say something stupid that pisses you off when they're post-call. Tell 'em to pound sand, go to bed, and you can hash it out after they've slept. That doesn't mean they get a pass on being an asshole, just pick when you want to have a battle at the most constructive time. Telling them that they're being an asshole in the middle of said assholish behavior isn't helpful. Waiting until they're rested and rational and then pointing to the behavior and saying, "That there? Dumb. Don't do it again," is more effective.

-As everyone else has pointed out, go do stuff if you want to do it. Don't wait for them.

-Be flexible.

wooooo, man!! glad im the independent type!!! thanks for all the advice and hello's, ladies!! hahahah ahhh!! so true about the stupid-sleepy comments!! haha not sure if thats just post-call residents or men in general!!! everythings going fine so far!!!! will keep you posted!! hope your weeks are going great!!

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Welcome! My hubby is starting in gen surgery too...so I'll be experiencing it all with you!

[Flynn]

-The only thing that can be relied upon is your med peep's inability to be reliable.

-Do not EVER try to have a meaningful or important conversation with someone who is post-call. They won't remember it, will say stupid shit and do nothing but piss you off.

-Dont get your panties in a wad when they say something stupid that pisses you off when they're post-call. Tell 'em to pound sand, go to bed, and you can hash it out after they've slept. That doesn't mean they get a pass on being an asshole, just pick when you want to have a battle at the most constructive time. Telling them that they're being an asshole in the middle of said assholish behavior isn't helpful. Waiting until they're rested and rational and then pointing to the behavior and saying, "That there? Dumb. Don't do it again," is more effective.

Totally cracking up here (..but I'm post training so I have found my sense of humor again).

I'd also like to add that my husband wanted a mother more than a wife during training. He wanted someone to worship him, feed him, pick up his crap, and be thankful when he was near me. SO not going to happen. I've read marriage is a two way street?

I seriously thought that after a good day "saving lives" he thought he walked into the house with angels singing in his head. The king of the castle was home. TAH - DA!!! It was a long nine years.