Well, she left...

By "she," I mean my girlfriend of four years, and by "left" I mean left to begin medical school.

I posted on here for the first time a few weeks ago, but just in case anyone forgets, I will update my story. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years, I am 25 (as of last Monday) and she is 22. We both lived in Southern California until yesterday. She applied to 37 med schools, and got in to 3 of them, all of which were in Pennsylvania. I held out hope until the bitter end that she would get off of the waitlist at UC-Irvine (our alma mater) but it was not meant to be.

We have decided (barring any unforseen changes) that I will be moving out to be with her after a year. Despite the fact that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared. I really love my girlfriend, and I know that medical school changes people, and plays havok on relationships. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will not become another statistic. We have a fairly stable relationship, and we have never really had any major, major problems in our relationship. However, I am sure than many other people have said that in the past, only to have their relationship crumble.

Having her leave was sad for me. The past 4 years have probably been the best years of my life, and I am strugglling with the realization that those innocent days are over. We have a tough road ahead of us now.

I am writing this post for a few reasons. First, as a cathartic sort of exercise that will help me confront my emotions. It is always good to write about something like this. Secondly, I was hoping that some people around here would have some sort of insight on how to handle a long distance relationship like this, how to handle your significant other's first year of medical school, etc. I know that this is a "medical spouse" forum, and I am not married, and my girlfriend isn't a doctor yet. However, I am sure that some of you must have been in similar situations in the past, and I would REALLY appreciate any sort of advice, or stories, or whatever.

Dennis

[PrincessFiona]

I'm so sorry!

Dennis,

You are most definately a 'medical spouse'...and I'm so sorry to hear that she has left for medical school. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you...Is there any way that you could make it out to PA any sooner or are you bound by school/job?

I don't have any wisdom to offer you in terms of dealing with a long-distance relationship, but I know that there are several members who have been in your shoes or are in your shoes now. They have all found ways to cope and keep their relationship a priority, and I'm sure that they will be able to offer you much better advice than I can.

All I can offer is a shoulder...come and talk anytime. This is a very caring community of people and I think you'll find a lot of support here.

In the meantime...have you planned your first visit to see her?

kris

[SuzySunshine]

Dennis,
This same thing happened to my now husband and I. We are from Kansas and he got into Stanford and we decided he had to go just because it's a great school. We were apart for 14 months, you'll survive you just have to make a concerted effort to talk on the phone as much as possible, but at the same time I think everyone would agree with me when I say the first year of med school is the hardest so your girlfriend needs to be able to study too. I suggest going to see her as much as possible with the same stipulation.

It's hard but if you're both serious about making it work and it's meant to be it will all work out!

Good Luck!

[HeartRN]

Dennis--I could totally relate to your story. My husband started his internship in Chicago and I decided to return to school to become a nurse but I went to school in St Louis. We were apart my first and last years of nursing school while married. Although it was a huge change and placed a great deal of stress on our relationship, the one thing that definitely got us through it all was mutual support of one another. My husband even flew in and out of St Louis all in one day (after being on overnight call!) just to see me graduate. I don't think I've ever had anybody do anything else that meant so much to me. You can do it--just keep your lines of communication wide open, talk on the phone a lot, and visit each other as much as possible (although I recognize this is a much greater distance than we had to deal with). Best of luck to you!

[DCJenn]

My husband and I were apart for most of our dating life! It can be done- it takes some work, but it also has it's benefits. First, medical school is a huge change and she's going to be overwhelmed. We found that for the really difficult rotations, he did better without having to be concerned about what I was doing (even if I was doing my normal routine!) and I did better without having to worry about how he was doing.

The other thing we did was change our long distance provider to MCI and had all of the $ go towards Southwest Airlines Rapid Rewards Credits- I was able to fly out to see him twice using the free tickets- we figured with we're going to be on the phone long distance, we might as well get something for it besides conversation!

We did find that the internet, while it has it's advantages in many ways, was often a precursor of misunderstandings- you can't see inflection and meaning in emails! We learned very quickly to use email for light hearted informational communication but the telephone for the in-depth conversations.

It's a great opportunity for you to takeup some new interests as well. I was able to work-out a lot more when he was gone and I took up yoga and some craft projects, too. I still find that when I'm learning new things and doing interesting projects, things go much more smoothly than if I'm sitting around waiting. My husband is on-call today so I've already been to the local farmer's market, cleaned the kitchen and as soon as I sign off, I'm going to take the dog to the National Mall and do some tourist watching. Later I'll go to the gym and do the laundry- then I think I'll watch some chick flicks. All things that I wouldn't do if he were here. When he's here I prefer to do things with him and all of this other stuff falls by the wayside. I really, really like time on my own to do my own thing. You will too! I think that's common experience with most medical spouses (and yes, you do count!): We are all highly capable of entertaining ourselves very well.

Good luck and keep us posted-

Jenn

[Meenah]

Best of luck to you. This year will "fly" and then you can be together. Please come to this site as often as you want/need to. We are all here for you.
Luanne

The same thing happened with my husband and me. We too are from Southern CA when he went to school in Chicago. It all happened so fast. The acceptance letter came in April and he left for Chicago in July. I didn't move until a year later The whole long distance thing was hard but I think it was for the better. He needed time to adjust to the rigorous schedule and to make new friends. Had I been there he would have been worrying about me and spending anytime off with me instead. You can find some cheap airfares and find some really good long distance deals with the phone companies. Good luck and the year will go by fast.

Wow...

I feel lucky to have such a nice group of people supporting me like this. The fact that you complete strangers would take some time out to lend me a shoulder is highly appreciated.

Overall, I realize that this year apart could be considered a good thing in some ways. It will be a good test for our relationship, and it should help both of us to appreciate what we have a bit more. It will also give me some time to work on myself as a person. I can concentrate a bit more on what makes me happy (well, except for having my girlfriend around, which is probably the number one thing that makes me happy.)

I am going to go visit her at the end of the month, and she will be coming back for X-Mas, so we have a few visits planned. I switched my cell phone service over to Verizon, so now we have 1000 free mobile to mobile minutes a month. I am making sure to hang out with my friends at least one night a week, so that should help. I have also considered buying a bicycle. It would help me to get some excercise, as well get me out of the house.

Anyway, that is my short update. Thanks again everyone. I don't know how much help I can ever be for you all, because many of you seem to be farther along in life and relationships that I am, and in situations that I haven't been in before. Regardless, I will try to help, and I am always here to listen and support.

Dennis

[migirl]

Dennis,

My husband (then boyfriend) and I had a long-distance relationship during his first two years of med school. While our distance was not as great as yours is (I lived in Michigan and he went to school in Washington, DC), it was still difficult but definitely manageable.

I found that it helped immensely to have little things to look forward to, whether they are visits or phone calls or whatever. I flew to visit him about once a month (I always visited him since he was generally too busy with school to get away!), so it was fun to be able to look forward to our little weekend visits. That is good that you already have your first visit planned. We also "scheduled" our telephone calls (I think we talked every 3 days or so), so I could make sure to be home and he could take a study break. It was really nice to be able to look forward to our next phone conversation. I also sent him lots of cards and letters, I think I sent him 2-3 pieces of mail a week (hey, everyone likes getting mail, right? ). I definitely agree with earlier sentiments, this is a good time to "work" on yourself and nurture your own personal interests.

In the end, I think that it definitely made our relationship much stronger and more resilient. It really made us work hard at the relationship and made us realize how important it is to us. I'll be honest, it can be hard; but you and your girlfriend sound like you're very committed to each other and to your relationship. It also sounds as if you are very supportive of her and her goals, which is also very important! Best of luck to you both, I'm sure that this year will just fly by!