Am i being selfish?

[labmouse]

Lately i have been doing some ring shopping over the internet and happen to come across some wedding forums and plenty of gorgeous ring pictures. DH and I are already married (no reception just an oath ceremony), no wedding dress, no wedding party and what not because we decided that those things can come later. We didn't want out parents to fork out money for our wedding. So then, back to rings. I have an engagement/promise ring that DH gave to me just before he left for canada (for med school) and that was about 0.15 carats (a tiny mini diamond) which both of us worked during summer and saved for a year before we bought it. And then during the oath ceremony, DH's mom bought me my wedding band which was a simple band with a diamond chip in the middle. Now, in his second year of residency, i was thinking to upgrade my engagement/promise ring into something beautiful and something that i would swoon to wear the rest of my life.

Looking at those ring forums and pictures, i have decided on a three stone ring because i think solitaires are pretty boring and i also like the symbolism of the three stone ring (past, present and future). The ring that i absolutely love is a trellis style ring with 0.75 carats in the middle and two 0.20 carats stones at each side. The problem is, being a second year, money is rather tight and USMLE exams, fellowship applications and interview costs are looming ahead of us in a couple of months. Am i too selfish to want something for myself? By the way, in two months time would be our 7th year dating anniversary and 2nd year in marriage. AHHH.. how i wish a doctor's salary is higher!!!!

Also, if you guys are willing to share. May i know how much your DH spend for your wedding rings?

[ladymoreta]

It's fun to look! But, I think if I were you, I'd wait until money isn't so tight so you can get the ring of your dreams without the stress. It isn't as glamorous, but have you considered a CZ ring for now if you're not loving your current ring? No one has to know, and then you can shop for diamonds later.

I'm not sure how much DH spent on mine. I'm guessing the total for engagement and wedding ring was somewhere around $1000-1500. We were married in undergrad.

[MrsK]

I have 2 wedding rings and wear both together. One is a traditional plain white gold Jewish wedding band - a continuous circle without markings, piercings, or stones representing an unbroken union. My mom is a jeweler. She sold the ring to DrK for $5 since Jewish tradition required him to own the ring.

My second is a very thin platnium band with microscopic diamonds. It's tha band my grandfather gave my grandmother when they eloped in 1929. They were married by a justice of the peace. DrK and I married on their anniversary. My mother gave me the ring for our first wedding anniversary.

My engagement ring is a round solitaire on a white gold band. It's a large stone but DrK and I were older when we married and he got a steep discount on the stone through my mom.

It's not unusual to trade up but you may want to wait until your DH finishes residency. Also, there is something sweet about having the tiny ring you and your DH saved for.

[poky]

If you want a ring you'll swoon to wear for the rest of your life, wait till you can actually afford it. I like LMs suggestion of looking into CZ for now if you just HAVE to have something new and shiny.

[labmouse]

MrsK,

No. I am not trying to trade my current engagement ring. I plan to keep it with me because of the sentimental values. Maybe you guys are right, i should wait for a couple more years. Or at least wait till fellowship application and interviews are all done first. =(

Lady moreta,

I have been researching a lot on diamond alternatives too. But, CZ is not my style as it can cloud after months of wearing. I am still very skeptical on lab grown diamonds and moissanite. But, maybe i would go with the moissanite route since it is a gem on its own. Diamonds of my style would cost at least 3000-5000 depending on the quality of the center stone.

Maybe it is just me being selfish and wanting things that are not essential. =(

[Cinderella]

It's ok to want things for yourself but it's good you're being practical and considering the other finances and needs you have.

[weeniegeniewife]

Have you talked with your DH about what you want? What is his opinion?

[labmouse]

weeniegenie wife,

i did talk to DH. He said go ahead and do whatever you want. But, my conscience tells me NO. Not because we cannot afford it, just i don't want to put a strain on our finances because of wants and not needs.

[diggitydot]

We had a similar wedding. Very small, and sans extraneous mini-celebrations like showers and bachelor/bachelorette parties. We paid nothing for our rings because we used family heirlooms and were dirt poor at the time.

If you can afford it, by all means go for it. If not, wait.

BTW - We've been together for 12 years and have never upgraded anything.

[labmouse]

I guess visiting all those wedding forums make me want more and become less down to earth. Seeing all i-msners having low key weddings made me feel much better. Guess i have my answer now. Wait for a couple of years and then when finances are all okay i will plan to buy something special for myself. Meanwhile, keep focus on USMLE step 3 and fellowship applications.

ahh... the glamorous life of a doctor's wife =) I recently made a couple of friends in my current rental apartment area and when i tell them about DH being a peds resident, they went like oooo.. so you must be rich. And then i explained about residency pay and exams and interview application costs and medical licensing costs, they was like.. hmmm really?? As if i am lying or covering that i am actually rich...NOT !!!

[SoonerTexan]

I'd wait...it's only been 2 years and later on your can afford a real quality piece. I get so frustrated every time I have to take my $300 wedding band to Kays after ANOTHER diamond falls out. My engagement ring has fared a little better. I still love them both, but I think in your case it is worth waiting for.

[Michele]

My stone was around 5K. We were younger then and had no idea what debt was. . Some days I feel funny about walking around with so much on my finger. Especially since I know know how much furniture that could buy....(it's our current want/need post training). But then I was worried about having something that wouldn't look chintzy when I was a dawkter's wife (insert eyeroll). Now I realize how truly young I was at the time (almost 10 y ago).

[niener]

We were married the summer after DH graduated from undergrad. At the time I was a grad student. So neither of us had any money. I think the total cost of my set (engagement ring + band) was less than $500 and we bought them both off ebay. Not for everyone I know, but there was a very specific style I wanted that was no longer in production so it was hard to find, and I figured if the diamonds in it weren't the shiniest I could just upgrade them later (turns out they're plenty nice enough for now). That was about 6 years ago that we bought them.

Everyone places a different priority on different things, so only you will be able to determine just how much this means to you. However if buying a new ring would cause a significant financial strain, my advice would be to hold off. There are just too many expenses associated with interviewing, testing, etc that unfortunately will take priority right now. It's never selfish to want something you think you deserve, but it's good that you're thinking practically about this as well. You don't want to look at this beautiful new piece of jewelry and instead of swooning only be reminded of how much debt you're in now because of it. Plus in general as far as upgrading diamonds go, I think it's always nice to do them on big anniversaries. I'm thinking we might upgrade mine on our 10th or 15th. Maybe you'd consider updating yours on your 5th if you're in a more financially secure place at that point.

As an aside, I'm willing to bet that looking at all of those fancy rings and reading those forums where women show off their massive rocks will make you start to think that you NEED a huge blinger . I have totally been there. For almost a year I was CONVINCED I needed a Dyson vacuum even though mine worked just fine because OMGLookHowCoolAndModernThatThingIsITotallyNeedIt!! I'm quite sure if I'd actually bought one, I would have thought it was the best thing in the world for a few weeks and spent the next couple of months beating myself up for spending so much on something I didn't need. That's just how I roll. If you're prone to buyer's remorse, don't do it .

[weeniegeniewife]

Our wedding was about as low-key as you can possibly get. We got married on the dock of his floating house on the Columbia river; you can only reach it by boat. 40 people were there, just family. No running water, no bathrooms, no electricity. We brought in port-a-poties for the wedding guests. I have no problem peeing in a bucket but we figured our moms would prefer a toilet. The ceremony was 5 minutes long, performed by a judge. DH wore shorts, I wore a sundress; we both wore flip flops. The food was Freddies meat and cheese trays, and for cake we had cupcakes. After DH and I had both had extravagant, ridiculously large weddings for our first marriages, the chill wedding we had was perfect.

[niener]

I cross-posted with you -- but yeah, I think you're logic is right on