My MIL is making me crazy

[Mrs.Doctor305]

My MIL is making me crazy! Right now my DH is interviewing for fellowship and she's being completely unsupportive. I am completely at a loss here!! She will call and ask DH how interviews are going, then immediately give him a hard time about the location of the interview because she wants us to be closer to home. After that, she goes on about how much money we're spending traveling around for interviews. The way that I see it, our finances are absolutely none of her business! Truth be told my in laws have made a series of financially irresponsible decisions and I feel like they're waiting on DH to start making money so that we can support them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally opposed to helping them out, but we have a massive amount of debt that they aren't taking into consideration! Not to mention we're at the time in our lives that we want to start a family. Does anyone have advice?!

[diggitydot]

Ugh. The double whammy of in-law bullshit compounded on top of the interviewing crapfest.



Screen her calls and drink. Heavily. Maybe a nice Oregon Pinot Noir...

[Mrs.Doctor305]

I love Oregon Pinot Noir! Great idea!

[MrsK]

BTDT. When I saw your subject line, I did a double take to make sure I hadn't written the post. I agree with diggitydot. That's the best solution I've come up with thus far for dealing with my meddlesome MIL.

[L.Jane]

BTDT. When I saw your subject line, I did a double take to make sure I hadn't written the post.

I did a double take to make sure MrsK hadn't written the post either and then was going to respond that there are many here who can commiserate with you. I've only been married a month and so far so good with the MIL, but we are a few years away from where you are... I have to agree with screen your calls. You are right, your money, your business, not hers. Good luck with everything.

[GrayMatterWife]

Tell her:

-our finances are none of your business.
-our priority is not to live close to you or family, but to obtain the very best fellowship possible.
-if you can't be supportive, at least be quiet.

But then, my MIL probably thinks I'm a huge bitch.

[Mrs.Doctor305]

I think that's the right approach. I am not going to tolerate the way that she speaks to my husband anymore. She has no clue how many sacrifices we've already made to get to this point! She's one of those "always has to be in control of the plans" types. I really have bitten my tongue for way too long as it is. I'm going to drink my wine and then let her have it!!!

[Thirteen]

Those not in medicine do not understand what medicine entails. If you feel so inclined, tell her politely that it's about the best possible position for your husband, THEN finances, THEN proximity to family. (For now...Or, maybe even later as well). Interviews are costly, whatever. It's just the nature of the beast.

[JC76]

What does your husband have to say about it? Does it bother him as much as it does you? When issues with my own IL's raise their head periodically, I usually tell DH that he is HANDLING IT, that it is unacceptable for me to run interference with his parents. I realize that he has a semi-dysfunctional relationship with them from years of dealing with the stuff, but he is a man now (has been for quite awhile) and needs to DEAL WITH THEM. I refuse to the bad guy when he is just as frustrated as I am.

[Cinderella]

No advice, just hugs.

[ladymoreta]

I agree - as much as possible, let him be the only one who talks to her. And be there to listen when he needs to vent, but depending on his relationship with her, it's probably best not to say anything really negative about her antics. And if you do end up having to talk to her, something along the lines of "That's good advice. We are trying our best to keep expenses down while making sure he matches at a great program." will be hard for her to respond negatively to.

Hugs! I am blessed with a wonderful MIL, but she learned a lot of what not to do from her own MIL.

[Mrs.Doctor305]

He gets super stressed out which makes me even more angry with the situation. I mean, my IL's haven't contributed 2 cents to DH's education, so I feel like they can keep their 2 cents to themselves now!

[peggyfromwastate]

Figure out how much, if any, financial support you are willing to offer. If they made bad financial decisions, sucks for them.

We have no $ to spare and dhs family (siblings) stoppedasking for $ a while back. His parents haven't asked yet and we will only be able to give a small monthly amount later. I feel no need or obligation to support them at all, especially dhs father, but I think dh will want to help eventually. With 5 kids and some debt and a military salary which isn't comparable to civilian salary, we will never be the gravy train that I fear they think we will be.

[AmeliePoulain]

I feel for you, it is really none of her business how much you spend on anything! I would talk to her about that and let her know he doesn't need the added stress, nicely of course . I know what that's like from a previous long-term relationship. His mom really knew how to play on my ex's emotions. I don't remember where, but she was once standing in line outdoors and she later told him she was sooo cold and shivering the whole time. My ex said mom why didn't you wear a coat and she said "I don't have one " He would then tell me doesn't that break your heart? I said no! OMG! Tell her to stop playing games from now on and just say "buy me a damn coat." He said I was heartless but she always pulled the same pity theatrics. That woman hadn't worked since I met her when I was 16 and kept wanting to go on vacation saying she never gets to go anywhere. I guess I'm just used to my parents who have worked for everything they have. Sorry, bad memories.