Anyone else think it gets worse before it gets better? (Re: end of residency)

[moonlight]

Moonlight's DH (Pathology PGY3 chief) typing here: there is absolutely no practical purpose in trying to score more than merely passing on the pathology boards. Although scores are assigned, no one will ever know your scores or ask about them ever except to confirm certification. I don't even think they give you percentiles when they report your score, so you have no way of knowing how well you did compared to your peers (so much for pride). Sounds to me that this guy is looking for an excuse to be not present, especially if he is light rotations where he can study essentially uninterrupted 7-8 hrs a day; the extra 3-4 hours are him avoiding you, I think.

This is not at all to say that I advise that you blow off studying or that the time spent really learning the material is time wasted; but if you are already a gunner and have done well on the in-service exam every year, 3-4 months of 6-8 hours/day studying should be MORE than adequate to pass.

[Bittersweet]

You are completely justified. Obviously, I don't know your situation but I doubt he's intentionally avoiding you. Sometimes I think working harder than necessary becomes an addiction for our high-achieving spouses. Doing just enough to pass is completly counter to the frame of mind needed to excel during residency. So, I can see how a resident can have a difficult time making the mental shift from needing to give 110% to just needing to pass. But that's no excuse. Lay down the law. Your needs matter and this is his family, too.

[peggyfromwastate]

What moonlights dh said is what I meant when I said boards are pass fail.

My dh has done well enough on all the practice boards-- will keep up the same study routine as always. I think 6-8 hours a day is excessive-- but if dh were to study 6-8 hours a day he would not sleep. After working for about 12 hours, commuting about 2, and eating/personal time... He's lucky to get 1 hour of good study time and he's not stressing. Because boards are pass fail.

Hugs---

I doubt this is about him wanting to avoid you and the baby--- I think there is a ton of pressure from the programs for the graduating residents to "do well" on the boards. I bet this pressure comes a lot from work--- and we have all seen it when programs look down on residents for "running home to wife and kids". My dh is made fun of and ridiculed all the time for this. Good thing he could not care less what his peers think wrt this-- it's more important to him that his kids don't hate him for choosing to hang out more at work than was essential.

[oceanchild]

We're finishing up residency too, but I think the fact that my DH is going straight into a fellowship at the same hospital has mitigated some of the end-game stress. I'm definitely hearing a lot about that - you aren't making it up.

I agree with everyone else that no, you aren't overreacting and no, he doesn't need to be studying this much.

Here are some things I'd try:
1. He needs to schedule his study time. And not for all the time. These are times when he's studying, these are times when he ISN'T.
2. Have a sit-down talk about all the things that need to be done at home. Either ask him to pick some things he can take on, or give him a list of the things you hate the most. (I, for one, am terrified of power mowers, so I don't mow the lawn.) He needs to realize what you're doing and why it's a problem.
3. At this talk, make it clear that once boards are done and he's settled into a new job, you'll reassess. Maybe that means getting a cleaning service. Maybe it means a new list and picking new chores. This means, cut him some (not all!) slack now, knowing that you will reassess in the future.

Good luck. And hugs!

[diggitydot]

We're finishing up residency too, but I think the fact that my DH is going straight into a fellowship at the same hospital has mitigated some of the end-game stress. I'm definitely hearing a lot about that - you aren't making it up.

It helps attending fellowship at the same place as residency. DH's transition from one to the other was super mellow and far less stressful on us than it was on our peeps who had to move.

Thanks for all the replies.

Totally justified. Put it this way, I am sure there are single residents/students/fellows out there...THEY can take care of their hospital/studying duties as well as their personal/home duties. I just cannot understand why the married ones cannot do anything outside of medicine. Regarding your question about sucking it up a bit longer, that is up to you and your DH. Is this behavior new?

Oh, geeze. The way he lives when he's on his own sure isn't pretty, and he's totally cool with that. I think that's part of the problem; he simply doesn't see/care about everything that needs to be done. Case in point, I took 3 hours the other day to deep clean the bathrooms. They hadn't been deep cleaned in quite awhile, so they really needed it. About 2.75 hours in, DH finally poked his head around the corner and asked if I needed help. I made some sarcastic comment about how I needed help 2 hours ago (yes, very mature, I know). Anyway, he said he was sorry for not offering help sooner and that he was surprised how long it was taking me given that "the bathrooms weren't even very dirty!" Honestly, I think DH would be happy as a clam if the sink were always full of dirty dishes, the toilets resembled science experiments, and the grass was knee high. He probably wouldn't even notice! He's not a bad guy, just very clueless.

As for whether this is a new behavior, it sort of is. Like I said, he has always been a gunner. However, I think the fact that he hasn't had an "important" exam recently helped. He was at least this bad when he was taking exams in med school and the USMLE, but I wasn't living with him for part of that, and I guess I let it slide more after we were living together. He reviewed a bit for the in-service exams during residency, but he didn't go crazy. Depending on his rotation schedule, he came home very late for a month or maybe two at a time throughout his residency, but this has been going on since Feb. Also, I'm much more understanding if he's at work until 8 or later because the cases just keep coming in, but I just don't see any good reason why he needs to be choosing to study every.single.day for this amount of time.

Chores-wise, I've pretty much always done everything. Honestly, I'm OK with that for the most part. I like to stay moving, and running around cleaning and doing yard work takes the place of going to the gym for me. As for the household repairs, it's pretty gratifying to fix something and learn a new skill along the way. The daily drudgery of preparing 3 meals a day, doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, sweeping the floor... That's what I would really like help with. Or at the very least, it's nice to have DH home to entertain/spend time with DS so that I can at least have the "luxury" of focusing only on my chores instead of having to simultaneously watch/entertain DS. That's what's so exhausting IMO- constantly being pulled in multiple directions with no regular help or relief. Leaving DH and DS in the house so that I can be out in the fresh air and sunshine getting some exercise while I push the mower around the yard? That's almost enjoyable! Trying to mow the lawn while keeping one eye on DS so that he doesn't wander off the deck into the path of the mower (or--worse yet--strapping a 35 lb, squirmy preschooler on my back in a carrier and trying to work that way)? Totally different animal!

"Dude, pregnancy + chasing a toddler + doing EVERYTHING around here = one tired and cranky wife. Step the fuck up before my tired, cranky ass explodes all over you."

My theory: If something bothers me and I don't speak up, it's my own damn fault when it inevitably pops up again. However, if after discussing it and it happens again? Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong.

Totally true. As some posters guessed, I'm guilty of hiding my displeasure, when I really should be more clear with DH what I expect/need. We've had little talks here and there (nothing recently). Usually, a talk results in temporary changes but then we slide back into our old routine of him not doing much and me not asking for more.

Sounds to me that this guy is looking for an excuse to be not present, especially if he is light rotations where he can study essentially uninterrupted 7-8 hrs a day; the extra 3-4 hours are him avoiding you, I think.

ITA that he is studying an excessive amount and that there is absolutely no reason for that. I disagree, though, that he's avoiding coming home. He's genuinely happy to see us when he makes it home before DS is in bed, and he's clearly disappointed when the kiddo is already asleep by the time he rolls in. When he's with DS, he's great with him and you can tell that both DH and DS really enjoy each other's company. And he's always asking me to put aside whatever I'm working on (usually trying to play catch up on household tasks once DS is in bed) so that we can spend some time together. I really think he's just a gunner who doesn't know when to turn it off and that, since he doesn't notice whether the house is clean or messy, he really has no idea what I spend my days doing.

We're finishing up residency too, but I think the fact that my DH is going straight into a fellowship at the same hospital has mitigated some of the end-game stress. I'm definitely hearing a lot about that - you aren't making it up.

It helps attending fellowship at the same place as residency. DH's transition from one to the other was super mellow and far less stressful on us than it was on our peeps who had to move.

That's another thing! DH has a staff slot waiting for him at the same place where he's been doing his residency. No move for us! (Of course, one could argue that the fact he has made such a good impression on the higher-ups is the reason why he was offered that position. However, I'm still sure that he could have toned it down a bit and still made just as good of an impression.) I don't know. Maybe he's working so hard now to prove to them that they made a good choice in keeping him or something. Who knows.


At any rate, I'm going to have a talk with DH this weekend and lay all of this out. I'm planning to either ask him to (A) leave work at a more reasonable hour each day, say 5:30 or 6, which still gives him daily study time or (B) spend as much time studying as he feels he needs to up to 3 days a week but to please come home as soon as his work day is over the remaining 2 days. I'd also like him to avoid working on the weekends. (He worked all.day.long last Sunday, and that was a particularly stressful day for me.) For now, I just want him home and spending more time with his family. Once he graduates and returns from taking the boards, I think I'd like to sit down with him and decide on some chores that he can pick up around the house.

[Pollyanna]

A gunner can also learn to be a gunner in his home life too. Have him repeat to himself: husband, father, doctor in that order are my priorities.

[HouseofWool]

A gunner can also learn to be a gunner in his home life too. Have him repeat to himself: husband, father, doctor in that order are my priorities.

Listen to Pollyanna. She is wise.

[Vanquisher]

husband, father, doctor in that order are my priorities.

Love this!!! In fact, I think I'll make it into a plaque for DH.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Love this!!! In fact, I think I'll make it into a plaque for DH.

Amen! (note that it says nothing about "son" I'm mean...)

[PrincessFiona]

Groan. BTDT.

I don't think right now is the time to start demanding that he step up with husband, father first. I know ... my advice is completely different than anyone elses. His gunner characteristics can evolve to include the family, but since he's really focused on his performance, I'd back off, let it go, and then address it when the test is over.

That's what I did anyway, so take it for what it's worth. I can not get in the way when my husband is studying for boards or something. As a matter of fact, he is no longer required to take the internal med boards but insisted on doing it anyway this last time. It's about his desire to achieve. To top it off, he's not happy with a pass score either. I get it, because I'm the same way when it comes to exams. When I took classes a few years ago, I made everyone miserable with my study habits ... and it's why I've been banned from coursework over the last year or two.

I'm guessing your dh has been this way since medical school.

Use this time to come up with a new family plan that includes using his gunner characteristics in the home and then address it after the boards.

my .02

Kris

[alison]

I think we all become major jerks when we're stressed about school, like Kris said. I stuck it out when dh was studying. Man, was he mean. The moment boards were over I snarled back. No more excuses, buddy.

[diggitydot]

DH gets leeway on most things, but not on being a crab-ass because of work stress. He chose this career, we did not. He doesn't get to use it as an excuse.

[PrincessFiona]

I just think its easy to be all "that would never fly in my house" *snap* without recognizing that we all put up with different shit that might be unacceptable to someone else. Now miggt not be the time for her to address this.

[diggitydot]

You might be right. It totally depends on the person.

I'm definitely a "let's nip this shit in the bud" kinda gal, which doesn't work for everyone.

ETA: Part of how why I don't let things go until the stressful time passes is because there's always another stressor just around the corner in this lifestyle. When things fester, I end up blowing up and making ridic mountains out of molehills. Molehills that could have been more effectively dealt with by a convo instead of a full-on disagreement and saved me the stewing and built up resentment.