Anyone else think it gets worse before it gets better? (Re: end of residency)

[alison]

Agreed, Kris. My tolerance goes up when I know there's some kind of external pressure or stressor. It's pretty funny, because we know our loved ones very well--to the point that when I'm cranky, instead of asking me what's wrong or getting frustrated with me, dh will bring me something to eat or drink. He knows hunger causes a lot of my meanness.

[Meenah]

Groan. BTDT.

I don't think right now is the time to start demanding
that he step up with husband, father first. I know ... my advice is completely
different than anyone elses. His gunner characteristics can evolve to include
the family, but since he's really focused on his performance, I'd back off, let
it go, and then address it when the test is over.

This is my thought too, agree 150%.

[scrub-jay]

It's pretty funny, because we know our loved ones very well--to the point that when I'm cranky, instead of asking me what's wrong or getting frustrated with me, dh will bring me something to eat or drink. He knows hunger causes a lot of my meanness.

This is why I married my DH. He was the only one to figure this out about me.

[MrsSz]

"Dude, pregnancy + chasing a toddler + doing EVERYTHING around here = one tired and cranky wife. Step the fuck up before my tired, cranky ass explodes all over you."

That's what I'd say. Adjust for your own level of comfort with swearing.

Sometimes dudes are clueless and need to be specifically told that help is not only necessary, but expected. We frequently take care of shit so fabulously that they aren't aware of the struggle under the surface. Kinda like a duck; calm and cool on top, working like a mofo under the waterline.

You are my hero!

[v-girl]

When dh's duties end he comes home to help with kids. He resumes work (studies, dictating, etc) after the kids have gone to bed. I would strive towards this routine, as even after boards there will *always* be something to stay late and catch up on. I think your reasonable to establish some expectations now, especially since he's historically tested well and not retaking the boards. He can study extra after 3 yo is fed, bathed, read and in bed.

This.

[samssugarmomma]

So, I didn't read anyone else's responses, but my personal opinion is

1. Yes you are justified and yes, it is harder to deal with once you see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are two months from the end of fellowship and my patience for anything fellowship related is down to nill.

2. Instead of dropping hints, you need to be direct. Talk to your husband - tell him how you are feeling and see if you can work *together* on a compromise. Acknowledge that you understand about the "matter of personal pride" but you need some help right now too. Perhaps you can compromise and he can come home at 3:30 and give you a break or help with the house crap and then study after the kids are in bed. Or at least after you've had a break. My DH does this. Or perhaps he comes home at 5 and helps with dinner, etc.


3. Lastly, I'm probably the crappiest medical spouse on this site because I have no patience for this type of behavior. My opinion is that he chose medicine and he chose to get married and he chose to have children and while it is hard to give each the attention that they deserve, a balance must be struck. Yes, there are difficult times when the balance leans more towards residency/medicine but there has to also be a time where family gets a bit more. Thankfully DH shares my attitude and the few times that he hasn't, I've adjusted his thinking. 8 )

[samssugarmomma]

(of course if he gets whiny I say something really supportive like "you are living your dream buddy"...)

OMG! I follow this line up with something peachy like "YOUR dream. Not mine. I didn't want to do this f'ing fellowship anyway!"

I'm extra supportive that way! 8 )

Thanks again for the replies. I would've updated sooner, but DS was sick and then I couldn't find a spare moment to log on.

I did talk to DH. Neither of us ever *demands* anything of the other one, so no worries there. I let him know that I don't want him to risk a poor performance on the boards but that I would like him to very seriously consider how much time he *needs* to be studying right now and to please come home after he's done the amount of studying that he feels he needs to do in order to pass. I let him know how stressed I've been feeling, too. Not surprisingly, he had no idea.

I guess what it comes down to is that he thinks he really does need to be putting in such long hours at the hospital studying. He came home very early the week that DS was sick, and I really appreciated his help. However, since then he has been staying at work just as late as usual most days. He has been making a real effort to help at home when he's here, though. Partly, I've been asking for more help from him, and partly he's been taking the initiative to help more. He's been spending more one-on-one time with DS, too, and they've both been really enjoying that. I suppose I need to just accept that he isn't going to be around much until he finishes the boards, but at least I'm not feeling as stressed and on my own any more. And the count down to the (temporary) end of training is on!

[samssugarmomma]

I think that you hit the nail on the head - we are all different and there isn't one right way to cope or figure out how to manage this lifestyle. Each of us has to find our own way to cope that works for us!

Hope DS is better soon.

[niener]

Glad y'all got a chance to talk about it and he's been more help around the house, especially with a sick kiddo. Here's hoping the rest of the countdown goes quickly!