intimacy issues..

[labmouse]

Dh is currently starting his PGY3 in pediatrics and we have been married for about 2 years. I know residency is hard, tiring and demanding. During our first year of marriage, we had sex around 1-2 times per week. But, lately it has been pretty bad, around 1-2 times per month. DH always comes home tired and he just sits on the sofa playing his computer games till dinner time, eats dinner and then continue some games and a little bit of reading and then off to bed. We still do kiss and hugs everyday and he keeps assuring me that he still loves me and everything, but just too tired and disinterested in sex. DH is 26 and i am 25, we are not planning to start a family until second year of fellowship, so that might be the "reason" he does not want to get intimate. Plus, many of his colleagues are spotting young babies or are currently pregnant (there were 6 babies among the residents between 2011 and 2012) and he doesn't want accidents to happen. I feel like i am begging for sex and that feels horrible, like i am unwanted or something. =( Advice is much appreciated.

[Momo]

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you are feeling this way & I know this doesn't change things, but trust me when I say this is EXTREMELY common for med-spouses! Hence the reason the sex toy threads are so popular on here. If you are utilizing birth control, then i suggest having a heart to heart w/ him &se if you can work it out. I know self pleasuring doesn't help you feel connected to him , but @ the very least it will provide you release from the sexual tension that can build!?

[diggitydot]

1.) It's normal, unfortunately.

2.) Talk about it.

I have a marginally higher sex drive than DH. However, during ridiculous call blocks it exacerbates to insane levels. It made me feel better when he'd at least say, "Oh, hell yes, I'm in the mood. I'm just exhausted and physically incapable of even minimal participation." While that doesn't exactly do anything to alleviate the issue, it made me feel better to know that he wasn't rejecting me and actually WANTED to be intimate.

Talk to him. Express how you feel in a way that doesn't make him feel defensive, but still makes your point.

"I love you and miss you. I crave reconnecting with you physically, even though I know you're completely wiped. I know you you need time to unwind when you get home, but can we make it a point to get to bed earlier occasionally and maybe get freaky?"

[MrsK]

ITA with momo. Things naturally cool off after a couple years of marriage too. Then toss in demanding jobs and a kid or two (or the desire to avoid having a kid or two) and sex just isn't a priority. Yours is a very common situation here. I recommend turning off the tv and suggesting an earlier bedtime. Once you are aleady in bed, snuggle up and see what happens. Worst case scenario, you both get some much-needed sleep.

ETA: Cross-posted with dd. Her advise is good too.

[SoonerTexan]

What's already been said!

And though I don't like to always be the initiator, sometimes it is worth it to just jump him and get things started.

[ladymoreta]

It's terribly unromantic, but there've been times that we had to schedule it. During MS-3, we knew if he wasn't on call on Tuesdays, that was our scheduled night. Not that we had to wait until then, but we could count on at least once a week.

Confession - I'd actually rather schedule it than have him initiate sex while I'm in the middle of paying bills or something. It's hard to go from stressed how-are-we-going-to-buy-food-this-week to getting busy in the bedroom in a moments notice.

[Ladybug]

1.) It's normal, unfortunately.

2.) Talk about it.

I have a marginally higher sex drive than DH. However, during ridiculous call blocks it exacerbates to insane levels. It made me feel better when he'd at least say, "Oh, hell yes, I'm in the mood. I'm just exhausted and physically incapable of even minimal participation." While that doesn't exactly do anything to alleviate the issue, it made me feel better to know that he wasn't rejecting me and actually WANTED to be intimate.

Talk to him. Express how you feel in a way that doesn't make him feel defensive, but still makes your point.

"I love you and miss you. I crave reconnecting with you physically, even though I know you're completely wiped. I know you you need time to unwind when you get home, but can we make it a point to get to bed earlier occasionally and maybe get freaky?"

Great advice!

There is no finish line, so address the issue now. It won't effortlessly change during fellowship, after training, etc.

We've all been there.

[scarlett09]

Dh is currently starting his PGY3 in pediatrics and we have been married for about 2 years. I know residency is hard, tiring and demanding. During our first year of marriage, we had sex around 1-2 times per week. But, lately it has been pretty bad, around 1-2 times per month. DH always comes home tired and he just sits on the sofa playing his computer games till dinner time, eats dinner and then continue some games and a little bit of reading and then off to bed. We still do kiss and hugs everyday and he keeps assuring me that he still loves me and everything, but just too tired and disinterested in sex. DH is 26 and i am 25, we are not planning to start a family until second year of fellowship, so that might be the "reason" he does not want to get intimate. Plus, many of his colleagues are spotting young babies or are currently pregnant (there were 6 babies among the residents between 2011 and 2012) and he doesn't want accidents to happen. I feel like i am begging for sex and that feels horrible, like i am unwanted or something. =( Advice is much appreciated.

Diggity gives sage advice. Heed her words wisely.

I will say that there is a big adjustment going from being a PL-2 to a senior PL-3 - having to do your own work AND double check everyone else's work. Generally being the one "in charge" at work. Even the lead up to it - seeing others get fellowships/jobs, friends moving away - can be hard. Has he been applying/interviewing to start fellowship right after PL-3? All of these things can create some serious stress and it sounds like he might be coping with it the best way he knows how: computer games and reading. I am not saying in any way that he should be acting like this, sometimes it just happens and builds up to a point where it needs to be addressed.

If you have a plan about TTC, then why he is so worried about accidents? The two of you should discuss your current birth control methods and how you feel about them. He can't worry about getting pregnant and not have sex for the next 3 years. Yes, it was difficult to see all of your friends and his co-workers have babies this past year, but this year it will get worse. Everyone will be aiming to have their babies at the end of residency. There were a LOT of babies this last year. 70% of the married people in DH's PL-3 class conceived during residency and the other 50% (including us) did not.

It sucks that this is happening. Marriage has its ebbs and flows. So does medicine. And medicine can make the ebbs and flows of marriage much more pronounced and painful. Thinking of you and hoping things get better in this department soon.

[Thirteen]

It's terribly unromantic, but there've been times that we had to schedule it. During MS-3, we knew if he wasn't on call on Tuesdays, that was our scheduled night. Not that we had to wait until then, but we could count on at least once a week.

Confession - I'd actually rather schedule it than have him initiate sex while I'm in the middle of paying bills or something. It's hard to go from stressed how-are-we-going-to-buy-food-this-week to getting busy in the bedroom in a moments notice.

Couldn't have said it better myself.
We got married in residency, and had a baby. The joke was, "You had time to have sex once?!" from his peers.

Sex was not common, and I felt very hurt by that fact. We talked a lot about it, and tried to schedule 1x a week. Anemic, but necessary.

Is sex calming for you? It might be more "pressure to perform" for him.
That was a factor -- residency is so "en pointe, 24/7," that DH didn't want to have another spotlight role where he had to do his best, as it were.

When I explained to him that sex was a stress release for me, he confessed that it was stressful for him, due to aforementioned reasons. I had no idea!
That cleared things up, and we have learned to accommodate each other, and communicate more, as a result.


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[labmouse]

thank you all for your wise advice. i had no idea this issue is that common among all med people. To answer some of your questions above, we are using barrier method as our form of birth control. I am not really into using bcp because i have good cycles that come on time and i don't want additional hormones to mess up my natural cycle. So far, that has been working fine for us. As for scheduling sex, DH is not particularly into it because scheduling makes it feel like a chore or a duty that needs to be done, so we tend to do things spontaneously. But, i keep his schedule in mind and i will not ask for favors post-call or after a tiring day. Our usual frisky times are in the weekend or during low stress weeks. Lately, he was also complaining of palpitations and being tired all the time, and we have already booked an appointment to get that checked out.

scarlett-09... he just finished his fellowship interview cycle and we will be ranking our options next week. You are right about fellowship match and being a senior taking a toll on him. He is thinking about ranking positions, checking on patients, checking on interns work and on top of that also the pressure to publish his research. I will try to take that into consideration and not pressure him too much about everything else.


thirteen....yea..i would say sex is a stress releaser and relaxing thing for me. But, for him not as much. Because we are not really planning to have babies at the moment, in DH mind, he thinks that sex is not that high on his important list. He always says that if sleep is not needed to recover, sleep is a waste of time and he would not mind sleeping lesser. And, i also think that sex is pretty stressful for him because he would try a lot to satisfy me and he always wants to perform at his best. Ahhhh... men.....

[niener]

I don't have any advice beyond what these other wise ladies have said, but just chiming in to agree that this is totally normal particularly in the medical world. It's just a tiring world to live in.

[SoonerTexan]

Sleep is the new sex

[medpedspouse]

Sleep is the new sex

LOL

I think that would be an awesome title for a medical marriage related book.

[Curegirl]

Sleep is the new sex

Hahaha, thanks for giving me my first real laugh today

[Vanquisher]

Totally normal! I like "sleep is the new sex!" Completely true!