How to best support your MD?

I'm looking for some advice!

I'm dating a family medicine intern and the lack of sleep (well, rather, everything) is starting to get to her. Between the lack of sleep, the not-so-sick patients, and general uglies of residency, she's really having a hard time. Tonight she came home and told me that she wants to quit, or at the very least "just not show up tomorrow." I ran through as much supportive material as I could ("one day at a time", "it'll get better", "it's worth it", "it's okay to be feeling crappy", "Don't worry about what you can't control", etc), but I can tell it isn't resonating with her. To further complicate things, I'm a first year law student with final exams looming on the horizon. She's generally pretty good about not monopolizing our (short) time together, so I'm feeling generally supported by her (for now at least). Even still....I need some words of encouragement that only another medical spouse can provide. I only have to do this for ~2.5 more years...I can't imagine a longer residency....

[Thirteen]

Intern year is always hard on the dawkter. I think the first 6 months, especially, are brutal as the resident tries to adjust to a new place, new people, etc.

Everyone has wanted to quit at least once (if not multiple times). Is she showing signs of depression? Who is her mentor? Keep being encouraging, and check in on the resources available to her if you suspect depression at all.

Welcome!


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[GrayMatterWife]

To further complicate things, I'm a first year law student with final exams looming on the horizon.

Holy crap. You're a 1L?? How do you have time to listen to all her complaining? You need to be STUDYING FOR FINALS. If you blow your 1L exams, you really screw up your chances at law review, class rank, job prospects, etc. Whatever she's going through (short of clinical, debilitating depression), you're going through worse. And the pressures are different. She'll still be a doctor when the intern year is over; how you perform on 1L exams majorly influences what opportunities you are going to have. She may be having a crisis of identity (does she REALLY want to be a doctor?), but you haven't even opened that door yet. You are just trying to get to the point where you can see the doors and try to figure out which ones you have the heft to open. And that, in large part, is made MUCH easier by ripping out great 1L grades.

Look, this is one year. She just has to deal with it for one year, then it gets better. Everyone's first year of residency sucks. You get crappy patients, yelled at by attendings, too little sleep, and no compliments (by the way, substitute "clients" for "patients" and "partners" for "attendings" and that will be your first-year associate experience at any Big Firm--but you'll be making a heck of a lot more). She needs to have perspective. This is not going to kill her.

To be supportive, I'd listen as much as you can afford to, but also gently remind her that you are also going through a majorly stressful time and that it is critical that you achieve on your exams.

Basically, you need to keep your priorities straight: you cannot allow her mental exhaustion and emotional needs to suck away so much time that it ruins your chances at law review, etc. You only get one shot at the 1L year. If her needs are so great that you cannot meet her needs and meet your academic needs, you need to make some hard decisions. You might want to take a leave of absence from law school and return when she is in her PGY2 year, for example.

By the way, I am the harsh pragmatist, but I speak the truth. I am NOT suggesting that you be a selfish, self-involved jerk. But she has to understand that she is not the only one under career-making pressure here.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Oy. Just do your best, both of you, to be gentle with yourselves and focus on your basic needs and your careers. Cut out any other obligations or crap in your lives for right now. If they're serious, they'll still be there in a year. Eat. Sleep. Study and work. That's your job right now. Probably one of the best things you could do for her is, in whatever tiny amount of free time you have, make her a cup of tea and tell her to take a nap. Then go study. Seriously.

Sometimes it's not going to get better right away, it's a total slog-fest and all you can do is keep going. We totally get it.

[ides]

Welcome! I think every intern wants to quit midway thru intern year. Most want to quit several times a year throughout residency. Just depends on how malignant the program is. Just remind her of her goals and the bigger picture. This time, no matter how miserable will pass.

[diggitydot]

Holy shit. Talk about a stress ball house.

It's totally normal for any resident to consider quitting during their first year. She's just going to have find her way to power through. There is only so much you can do to help alleviate her own stress.

Holy crap. You're a 1L?? How do you have time to listen to all her complaining? You need to be STUDYING FOR FINALS. If you blow your 1L exams, you really screw up your chances at law review, class rank, job prospects, etc. Whatever she's going through (short of clinical, debilitating depression), you're going through worse. And the pressures are different. She'll still be a doctor when the intern year is over; how you perform on 1L exams majorly influences what opportunities you are going to have. She may be having a crisis of identity (does she REALLY want to be a doctor?), but you haven't even opened that door yet. You are just trying to get to the point where you can see the doors and try to figure out which ones you have the heft to open. And that, in large part, is made MUCH easier by ripping out great 1L grades.

Look, this is one year. She just has to deal with it for one year, then it gets better. Everyone's first year of residency sucks. You get crappy patients, yelled at by attendings, too little sleep, and no compliments (by the way, substitute "clients" for "patients" and "partners" for "attendings" and that will be your first-year associate experience at any Big Firm--but you'll be making a heck of a lot more). She needs to have perspective. This is not going to kill her.

To be supportive, I'd listen as much as you can afford to, but also gently remind her that you are also going through a majorly stressful time and that it is critical that you achieve on your exams.

Basically, you need to keep your priorities straight: you cannot allow her mental exhaustion and emotional needs to suck away so much time that it ruins your chances at law review, etc. You only get one shot at the 1L year. If her needs are so great that you cannot meet her needs and meet your academic needs, you need to make some hard decisions. You might want to take a leave of absence from law school and return when she is in her PGY2 year, for example.

By the way, I am the harsh pragmatist, but I speak the truth. I am NOT suggesting that you be a selfish, self-involved jerk. But she has to understand that she is not the only one under career-making pressure here.

Hah. 1L isn't that hard, for me at least. I'm doing fine...not #1, but well above average. It's work, but it isn't residency. For one, I get to sleep...(well okay, not for the next month and a half...finals). What you say is true though. She's actually been really good about leaving me to my work, so that isn't a concern right now. I do appreciate the reminder, however.


Regarding depression, we're no strangers to depression and Seasonal Affective disorder. She's already taking care of those issues early next week. I just wanted to know if there's more I can do to reassure her

[poky]

Ugh. I'm so sorry it's so hard on her right now. Do you get the feeling that any of the things getting to her are specific to the current block? Will next block be easier? I know it's easy to start thinking that things will never get better. You know her best; would things like you spending 10 minutes tidying up the living room help her mental state, or does she not care/notice things like that? I know for me, that would be huge; clutter weighs me down. Figure out if there's anything that is contributing to her stress that you can do something about, and figure out if you have the time or energy to take care of it, or the resources to have it taken care of by someone else. As everyone's telling you, it's totally typical for interns to have second thoughts, especially when the days get shorter and there are weeks when they never see the sun, etc. (and that could be a major part of it for her, given where she's from! - maybe look into a sunlamp?) If you do get the feeling she's getting clinically depressed, definitely encourage her to talk to someone she trusts at the hospital about it.

I'm glad you're in a good enough place to have the energy to want to help her out; it's always worse when both people are close to the edge!

[diggitydot]

Truly, just being understanding goes a long way. The quitting talk is usually just fantasy. When it starts to creep into not being a fantasy and edges on possibility, that's when you need to be really concerned.

You likely know her better than anyone else. Trust your gut.

[poky]

Wanted to add, since we cross-posted, that I'm super-glad she's already planning on getting help for depression and SAD next week. The fact that she's aware and taking steps to get help is huge.

[diggitydot]

Wanted to add, since we cross-posted, that I'm super-glad she's already planning on getting help for depression and SAD next week. The fact that she's aware and taking steps to get help is huge.

I agree completely. Sounds like she recognizes that something is up and has already sought out the appropriate care. That is truly a gigantic step and coule be a huge help.

[MarissaNicole]

Since it doesn't sound like residency is the underlying problem, this may not be helpful but intern year as a spouse you have to not take it too seriously when they come home and say they want to quit. It's kind of par for the course. Your job is to listen, encourage, and tell them quitting is not an option. I guess I am just trying to say that it is somewhat normal, but since she has other factors like depression, make sure she follows up and takes care of that.

If you need to, call in back up support like her friends and family to encourage her so that you can still study for finals. Being that she finished med school not too long ago she'll remember how important studying is!

[GreyhoundsRUs]

You've gotten great advice so far - I have nothing new to offer. DH has an identity crisis about once a year I agree with MarissaNicole - sometimes you can't take them too seriously or get too caught up in trying to convince them otherwise. I mean, there aren't many jobs that sound unappealing when compared to residency (especially intern year)!

[bokelley]

Just wanted to say welcome! It was about this time last year during dh surgical intern year, that he wanted to quit.

[moonlight]

Welcome! I'm really sorry she's having a hard time. Please tell her that everyone feels the really low points of medical training. Tell her we are all pulling for her and she can get through this with the extra support. Many docs are so resistant to help. I'm so glad to hear she isn't that type. Please keep us posted on how she's feeling after her appointments next week.