I hope you guys can help..

[birdhouse]

Glad I found this site. I hope it helps prevent a divorce between my husband and I. My husband and I have been married 7 years, but known each other 16 years. We have 3 children (12, 4, 2). The oldest child is not biologically his, but he has raised him since my son was 2. He completed an MD/PhD and is in his last year of a Family Medicine Residency. He chose family because he wanted to have more time for his family. I thought this would be the easiest year, but it has become the worst. One added extra stressor for us is that his hospitals are all at least an hour away and we live in Chicago, where traffic is horrible, so that could mean 2 or more hours of a commute each day. We decided to remain where we were living during his Med School because we actually get free rent and board in exchange for being counselors to the undergrads. Since I have a Masters in Counseling, this seemed like an ideal situation. I can stay home and do that and take care of 3 children and he will have the commute. Things have been hard, especially on the days when traffic is horrible and he chooses to stay at the hospital instead of fight the traffic to come home and then have to be back up within hours to get back to the hospital. I also have taken on much more and teach adjunct course online for about 10 different schools (not at the same time), so I get resentful that I have to deal with the kids by myself and work. When he is home, I feel like he is dead tired and we do not get any real attention.

All of this has led to some very frustrating times for both of us. I don't feel he contributes enough to "us" and our relationship and he doesn't feel that I am ever satisfied...This is the closest we have ever been to a "seperation". He only has 6 more months before Residency ends, and we can barely stand to be around each other when we are, but miss each other when we are not. He is generally a very reserved person that does not share his feelings and I feel that he has become more and more introverted during this process. He puts on a happy face for his patients and his co-residents, attendings, but when he gets home we get the crabby side. I just don't think tht it is fair and I feel like I am losing him...His time away has made me so jealous, paranoid and suspicious that he is cheating on me. Every time I ask him, he thinks I am crazy and says things like, yes I am cheating on you with residency. He says it is no further than the truth and that he doesn't have time to cheat. He has never been one that I would ever have thought od would cheat, but he is not spending any time with me. When I try to get him to do things with me, he says he just does not have the energy. He gives all that he has to the kids. I understand that and I know that the kids need it more than I do, but it leaves me feeling void.

I know I am just venting, but I do not know what to do. I love this man more than anything, but can I really live attention-deprived? I know it is easy for some to just say it is just 6 more months...suck it up, but 6 more months of NO CONNECTION to my husband leads me to believe that we will not ever be able to recover.

I also sometimes feel like he may begin to feel that he may have more in common with the other doctors than me. Don't get me wrong, I am educated and intelligent as well (Law School, 2 Masters degrees), but I don't work a traditional 9 - 5 anymore, so I get jealous.

Please give me some words of encouragement...

Thanks for reading,
Desperate...

[SoonerTexan]

Others on here will have more specific advice and personal experience, but the general experience seems to be that the end of residency is the bottom of the pit and though it will get better, it won't be immediate. Don't make any decisions regarding ending your marriage until you are at least a year settled on the other end. And heck, counseling might not hurt when he is done as well.

I don't think your experience is uncommon, not that it makes it any less painful.

[Curegirl]

You're not alone and I agree with ST, counseling can help a lot. Firsthand experience.

[birdhouse]

Thanks guys. I am a huge advocate of counseling and we have been before we got married. I suggested it and he said that he feels like it is him and he needs individual counseling first because he feels like he has lost so much of his life through this MD/PhD training. I think you have a great idea for me to just stick it out and plan on counseling after residency ends so that we may actually have the time to do it. It is nice to see that I am not alone in this. Thanks so much for taking the time to make me feel welcome.

[alison]

We lived in Chicago during residency. We lived in Lakeview, and while getting to work in the morning took 10-15 minutes by car, the afternoon drive home could take up to an hour-1.5. What we did frequently was meet somewhere for dinner on week nights somewhere close to his work and eat while waiting for traffic to subside. I know with kids that this isn't always possible, but what about getting a sitter and sneaking in a little dinner date?

[houseelf]

Welcome to the boards. You really are in the thick of it. Just hold on as best you can and be good to yourself. You are almost there.

[SuzySunshine]

Welcome, the very end of training is stressful on everyone because of the search and the unknown, etc. etc. My advice is to communicate the best you can without blaming anyone. Using "I feel like..." to start conversations even if you have a negative about them to say - otherwise they automatically get defensive. My DH and I had a rough fellowship year and are now 7 months out of training and are just getting back to communicating well. You also have to make time for just the two of you - your kids are important but your marriage is more important. Hang in there and welcome!

[diggitydot]

I think I have successfully blocked out most of the last 6 months of training. It blows.

[birdhouse]

Alison,
I would love to get a date with him. He usually says no, he doesn't want me to end up having 2 cars way up where the traffic is. The kids and I will go up and meet him occasionally. He tends not to want us there because that is his stress spot. We live in Hyde Park and he commutes as far as Highland Park. I am going to hold out for those happier days and look for ways to connect with him until then.

Thanks.

[DCJenn]

I'm pretty sure I've blocked 100% of residency and both fellowships. The end of residency SUCKS. IT SUCKS SO MUCH!

and welcome aboard....

J.

[birdhouse]

Thanks Suzy Sunshine. To be honest, while I know he really wanted to do a fellowship, I am kinda happy we will be going straight into the job market. His earning potential may be slightly affected, but I think we will be fine. He can always use his PhD to do some additional research for increased income. I hope the communication ends when the stress of the long commute ends. He says that frustrates him more than residency.

What are some strategies you used to re-connect.
My mom and sis are coming for the holidays and I hope I ca get him to commit to a date, while we have free and reliable child care. A sitter for 3 children can be expensive.

[SuzySunshine]

Do a date night at home - put the kids to bed and spend time in the kitchen together cooking and talking. Then sit and eat without distraction of TV, etc. You don't have to spend money.

[SoonerTexan]

Whoa, he admits the problem is him and wants to do individual counseling before marriage counseling??!!

You're going to be fine. The first step is admitting you have a problem and looks like he is already there. To me, it seems like most of the time things break down when the spouse won't admit there is a problem or will admit it but isn't willing to fix it.

[birdhouse]

Good idea. I am going to try to see if we can at least watch a movie together at home. He is off this weekend. We really need to do a family pic, but hopefully we can do in home bonding time that is not just sex

[birdhouse]

Thanks for that, Sooner Texan. I hope things get better.