Siblings

[alison]

Are you an only child? Do you have siblings? Do you think where you fall in the birth order has had an impact on your personality and/or idiosyncrasies?

I'm 8 years older than my brother and we get along. Our interests are very different, but we work at our relationship to try to stay close. He doesn't have kids, isn't married, and is considering graduate school, so we really are at different life stages.

Dh and his middle brother are almost 2 years apart to the day. They have immense jealousy issues, but are very close. Both are physicians, and keep constant tabs on what the other has and gets. The youngest (6 years younger than dh) and dh have been getting closer now that the age difference seem to be closing a bit as they age--AND this bil has an amazing partner!

[SuzySunshine]

I am the middle child of 3 girls, we were friends growing up and hung out with each other's friends a lot but are much closer now that we are all married and have kids, we are each 2 1/2 years apart. I am closer to my little sister though.

My DH is the oldest of 2, his little brother is 3 years younger then him and they get along but aren't best friends or anything. There is definitely some parental preference on little brother and his fiance so that strains things. They also couldn't be more different so BIL and I don't really get along. BIL is getting his PhD and will probably end up a professor or something, he applied to med school a few times and didn't get in. DH and I have always felt his parents wanted it for him more then he did. And when DH's cousin who is several years younger (like 8 years) applied DH helped him a lot because by then we'd been through med school and most of training - MIL got upset that we hadn't helped BIL in the same way when he was applying but when he was applying DH had only been in med school for 2 years and didn't have near the information.

[alison]

Do you really think there is a preference for one child over the other or do you think it's more "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." My dh's youngest brother gets more generous gifts and support from his parents, because he simply doesn't earn as much as the other boys.

[alotofyarn]

I have a twin sister and a brother who is three years younger. For the most part, we're all VERY different. We haven't always gotten along, but we do pretty well now. We've varied on which of us are closest. My sister and I have had phases where we either didn't really like each other much, or have been pretty good friends. We've lived in different cities for a while now though, so it's a little harder to stay close. My brother and I aren't very close at all - I think partly it's because our personalities clash sometimes, partly because we can be a lot alike, and partly because he just isn't close to anybody in the family.

My husband and his older sister are exactly 2 years apart (same birthday), and they're pretty close. He has a stepbrother too who is 7 years younger than him, and they're close too when they can find time to keep in touch.

[MrsK]

I'm the oldest of 3 and the only daughter. Notwithstanding that my brothers were 20 mos and 4 yrs younger than me, I was "second mommy" growing up and I'm still sort of bossy and protective when it comes to my brothers. I'm also often the moderator. Being the oldest and only daughter definitely impacted my personality in that I am very traditional, organized, outspoken, and always the hardest worker in the group. Also very eager to please/not disappoint my seniors.

My brothers have very different personalities. The elder is bookish, shy, overly-rigid, and, when he was in high school, he figured out that knowing about sports helped him talk to strangers so he's a little obsessed with all things related to baseball, football, and basketball. The younger brother is effortlessly smart, outgoing, skates around the rules, and could care less about sports, games or rules. Growing up, they did not get along at all. At summer camp, when all the boys lined up for snowcones, no matter where they were when the boys lined up, the elder brother always ended up last in line and the younger always ended up first in line. They were rivals from the start with the elder tripping the younger as soon as he began walking. When we were small, the younger had to be protected from the elder who would pummel him every chance he go. By the time they were in high school, the elder naieve brother had to be protected from the younger who would easily manipulate him. They grew closer when I left for college but there is still tension in their relationship. I am very relieved that although my boys have very different personalities, they are compatable and seem to enjoy eachother.

With three of us, seems that someone was always the odd one out. At various times I've been closer to one brother or the other; other times, I've been the odd one. When my brothers were in college together, they were closer to one another (though the elder was a housefellow hell-bent on enforcing rules and the younger was a devious frat boy). When the youngest and I were both single and living in the same city, we were together all the time. Now that I'm in residency with DrK and we have two boys, we are closer to the elder brother who is a doctor with two sons.

I think I chose a partner that combinded the best parts of my brothers' personalities. He even looks a bit like them but he's more handsome, of course.

[ladymoreta]

I'm the youngest of two girls. We are only 14 months apart, so we grew up being very close. I always tried to keep up with her, and we shared most of our friends, so I think that helped me mature a bit faster than other kids my age. I think I was the easier of the two of us as children, but she's become much closer with my parents since we've become adults since she has lived closer to them for longer.

DH is the oldest of two boys, by 8 years. He and his brother weren't very close growing up, but they have a great relationship now. I think because of the gap between them, they're much more the typical older/younger siblings. BIL is doing very well, but he doesn't seem nearly as mature as DH was at that age.

[MrsK]

Do you really think there is a preference for one child over the other or do you think it's more "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." My dh's youngest brother gets more generous gifts and support from his parents, because he simply doesn't earn as much as the other boys.

Although it is unspoken, I do think that there are parental preferences. Sometimes, a parent just gets along better with one child than another; their personalities mesh better. I'm pretty certain that I am my mother's favorite. Growing up, my father made it very obvious that my elder brother was his favorite however, over the years, I think the younger brother has become my father's favorite. (Elder brother had some falling outs with dad and the younger knows how to kiss butt like it's nobody's business.)

[ides]

Hummm. Well I'm the youngest of two girls. We are about three years apart. We've never gotten along and my parents have always prefered my sister.

I definitely think there are differences due to birth order and I also think parents tend to favor some over others. It's human.

[GrayMatterWife]

I am the oldest.

And it is completely obvious in every aspect of my personality.

hahaha...

My parents definitely prefer my sister as a "friend" more and respect my brother as a professional more. But I am the one they call when they need someone to be responsible, level-headed, and willing to say the hard truths and make sh*t happen. My brother and sister they call for company, fun, and to ask about what beer goes best with what kind of BBQ sauce.

[Sheherezade]

Middle child. I'm surprised how many here are from families of two. My reining theory for cocktail parties on why we have so much discord in our culture is that we don't have enough middle kids any more. We are always working out a compromise!

[migirl]

I'm also the oldest, my brother is 3 years younger than me. We get along fine; we're not best friends or anything, but we get along well.

Growing up, I think since we were 3 years apart and opposite genders we didn't really have issues with competitiveness or jealousy.

DH is older than his only sister by 14 years! He was almost off to college by the time she was born, so they don't have much of any type of relationship at all.

[peggyfromwastate]

I'm the third of 4. I get along most with my sister who is 3.5 years older, but we didn't get along growing up. I didn't care much for my sibs growing up. Sometimes I'd get along with my older sister. My parents fawned over my older bro (very smart guy, scary smart) and my sister (talented musician, great writer) and I was always in the shadow. I grew up pretty pissed at detached uninvolved parents who barely looked at my report cards and didn't really "know" me. I didn't get along with my younger bro and still do not. We have lots of tension and I don't know why but his wife has pretty much ensured that he doesn't spend time with the family. She has all sorts of rules about when he can go see his side of the family, and he can only be with her when he visits, etc..

Anyway... I'm hoping my kids will grow to get along and be support systems to each other. But it's not necessarily a given. We try to build sibling relationships... But it is so hard!!!

Parents totally have favorites. Every parent child relationship is different, and some are just easier. It's a very hard thing when you as a parent naturally get along with one of your kids but not with the others.

Of course I'm still a teensy but bitter towards my parents right now and their recent visit just rubbed salt in the wound!! They love love my dh and tell him how lucky I am to have him and how I don't deserve him right in front of me... Gag. So glad we don't live very close!!!

[diggitydot]

I'm the youngest and my sister is almost 6 years older. We're very different people and I don't think it has anything to do with birth order. She has lived her entire life in the same podunk shit-hole where we were raised, is over-the-top extroverted (which I find exhausting, annoying, and forced), and she cares WAY too much about appearances and what Other People may think of her. I've lived all over, am fairly introverted, and couldn't give half a fuck what anyone thinks about me or my decisions. I love her, I just don't relate to her well or like being around her for more than a day or two before my head explodes.

[houseelf]

I have a brother who is five years older. Overall, we get along. I wouldn't characterize our relationship as either close or distant.

Since becoming a parent, I have learned that each child's unique personality is far more important than birth order.

Anyway... I'm hoping my kids will grow to get along and be support systems to each other. But it's not necessarily a given. We try to build sibling relationships... But it is so hard!!!

Parents totally have favorites. Every parent child relationship is different, and some are just easier. It's a very hard thing when you as a parent naturally get along with one of your kids but not with the others.

Yes, yes, yes. Sometimes you just "get" one kid more. Interestingly, the child that you mesh with better usually changes through the years. You love them all and try not to show favorites, but some relationships come easier. This is a dirty little secret that no one admits in the light of day. What sort of mother admits this?

Becoming a parent has made me totally my sibling relationship and experience. OF COURSE Mom and Dad treated us different, each of us possessed unique strengths and weaknesses that necessitated a personalized approach. What worked for one of us wouldn't work for the other. In my own experience, I have spent way too much time trying to assess whether I'm being fair, who needs more time/focus, and whether one kid's needs are overshadowing another child. It is a hard balance and an ever moving target. I'm incredibly sensitive to not give the perception that I have a favorite. It's hard because one of them needs a foot up the bum more than the others. One of my kids needs pushed, one needs pulled back, one is TBD. One is easily influenced by peers and the other could give a rat's ass about popular sentiment often lacks a filter. (Paging Diggity Dot).

In resolving my guilt, I have justified the differences in the way I parent because I try to base it on their personalized needs. I'm not a fan of "Even Steven" parenting (i.e. just because one kid gets something or has a privilege at X age, the next one gets it by default. Obviously, that is a compelling starting point, but that isn't the whole picture.)

Anyway, I think so much of this is a crapshoot. You can't orchestrate close siblings. Nor can you treat your children EXACTLY the same. You need to be responsive to where each child is. Sadly, none of these things are up to us.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

This is so interesting. I, too, am the oldest of 2 I feel like the "trend" now is to have 3 My brother is 2.5 years younger, and the one who gets away with stuff. I was the one who had to run errands and do housework, but he could lip-off and get sent to his room. I think I'm a pretty typical oldest child.

DH is oldest of 3 - 4.5 and 9 years younger than him. He and middle brother have always been very close, little brother has always been more of an "only child".