New to the forum and full of questions!

[WolfpackWife]

So...I am just now finding this community and I couldn't be more thrilled. Seven months into the first year of medical school and only nine months into our marriage, I've found that there are FAR fewer people to whom I can relate in DH's medical school class. Looking back I'm wondering why the hell I went into this thinking "I am sure there are TONS of couples who took several year breaks in between undergrad and med school and are married, etc". Turns out...not so much. At least not at this school. I am one of only a few first year spouses!

We moved for medical school. It wasn't an earth-shattering, cross-country move. We're about three hours away from home. But, we're also three hours away from the career I left, ALL of my family and friends, one of the best cities in the entire country (no, seriously. Forbes.com says so), and a million other things that we left behind for...well, his dream. Not mine. We moved and immediately he was immersed in his schooling...and it turns out this school is the only one he interviewed at that did not have some sort of spouse group/organization. I really don't have anyone. Still. I worked from home for the first six months we are here, but have since transitioned into a new job where I actually have an office and a daily routine including actual human beings. A nice change from spending all day in our apartment, not knowing the city or anyone else and basically just seeing our dog.

This has been a really tough transition for me, and I readily admit I think I fell into a bit of a depression when I realized what "medical school" really meant. All of those warnings I got didn't set in because I thought for sure it would be different for us (HA!). We graduated from college and spent four years employed in great jobs. Two of those years we both worked in the same hospital (I am not a medical professional, I worked in a management department. He worked in a cardiology department) so we even drove to work together. We were able to travel, go out, have discretionary income, and the same exact schedules. It was pretty great. I had no idea just HOW MUCH things would change. And it's rough to really, deeply feel far removed from his life.

Anyway. I am really long-winded and all I really want to know is if there are others who experienced difficulty or sadness or loneliness when this journey started for them. I daresay I've even felt...resentful. And don't get me wrong: I truly believe my husband is brilliant. Meant to be a doctor. But...it's been hard for me not to feel just how much this whole "thing" isn't MY dream. It's his dream. It's his career. It actually negatively impacted my career and graduate education to make this move for him. It makes me feel left behind and resentful and I feel so awful for feeling resentful because even though he truly wants to be a doctor...all of this hard work he puts in is also for me. It's also securing my future and our future. But I still manage to be mad sometimes, and I still manage to feel jealous and irritated when he's busy with this group or that group (none of which include spouses...but that's another rant), or we have to give up a Friday night for a dinner with his preceptors, during which I am subjected to almost nothing but medical school/preceptorship talk, or I have to do things like go to my grandfather's funeral without him because he's got an exam.

I am hoping someone can relate. I have this funny feeling someone out there will be able to...

[diggitydot]

Relate? Oh, hon -- you're preaching to the choir. Most of us have had our own careers affected by the med crapfest in one way or another. Some were completely obliterated by the dawkter
dreams.

We were also non-trads, but DH's med school had lots of married couples and families. We ended up having the most in common with another family (their kids were about the same ages as our two oldest), and few single peeps. They don't need to be in your exact demographic group to connect. As a matter of fact, I've since discovered that I end up meshing well with a LOT of DH's single female co-workers, many of whom are my closest friends.

It gets better. Eventually.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Hey - welcome again! I could've basically written every single thing you just said. We were out of undergrad for 6 years before DH went back, so we're older than most of his classmates. There's no real spouses group here either, except for a small group of women who are in a very different place than me lifestyle-wise. We moved about 12 hours from home, and I spent a lot of his first year feeling homesick and angry. I work from home and totally get the isolation that happens when you don't have other adult humans around you during the day. Second year is a lot better - the only thing that has really changed for me is my attitude, and that is HUGE. After throwing myself a giant, wine-soaked, year-long pity party, I finally decided that this isn't just an interlude or something we have to get through. It's real life, and we have to treat every day like we would if we were out of training already -- don't be afraid to settle in somewhere, even if you don't love it and won't be there for long. Enjoy the time you get to spend together because next week or year isn't really going to be any better, schedule-wise. Don't bother waiting for a better time to do anything, just do it now. Anyway, that's how it has gone for me. Again, we all get it. Seriously. Stick around, you'll fit right in.

[Thirteen]

Welcome!
Nice screen name - any chance you own/like big fluffy dogs?


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[WolfpackWife]

I should amend to say that two of the maybe six friends I've made here are actually DH's classmates and part of his core study group. I can safely say they like me better than they do him haha! So, I have found a little bit of a connection in that way! I think the thing that startled me the most was how...um...old we seemed compared to the rest of his class. The class size of this school compared to others he applied to is quiet large--just over 200. But there are like, 22 year old EVERYWHERE!! Which is fine, really. I just think I "aged out" of their interests and hobbies a few years ago so it's hard to get it up for "pregaming" and stuff like that. We have enjoyed going out with large groups of people but some of the girls in his class will invite me to stuff and I just feel like I'm past that time in my life. I really thought there would be more people "our age" (mid-20-ish) but we regularly find ourselves to be having dessert or something with people who just graduated from college last May.

And also, for some reason this school recruits quite a bit from Utah, so there is an impressive population of Mormon men in DH's class all of whom have wives and at least one child, if not two. Since we are neither mormon nor parents, I haven't exactly found common ground there, either. They keep quite a tight-knit group and I think being childless gives me less in common with them!

[WolfpackWife]

Welcome!
Nice screen name - any chance you own/like big fluffy dogs?


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I absolutely adore big fluffy dogs. I own a big one, not so much fluffy. Yellow lab. Absolutely adore that dog. The bigger the dog, the better, in my opinion. HUGE HUGE dog lover right here.

[WolfpackWife]

After throwing myself a giant, wine-soaked, year-long pity party, I finally decided that this isn't just an interlude or something we have to get through. It's real life, and we have to treat every day like we would if we were out of training already -- don't be afraid to settle in somewhere, even if you don't love it and won't be there for long. Enjoy the time you get to spend together because next week or year isn't really going to be any better, schedule-wise. Don't bother waiting for a better time to do anything, just do it now. Anyway, that's how it has gone for me. Again, we all get it. Seriously. Stick around, you'll fit right in.

That is me, 100%. Especially right after moving here. It's definitely encouraging to to read that...after months of tears and tequila (yes, it got that bad) and asking DH to call me on his way home just so I could put on pants and a bra before he got there (had to pretend I wasn't actually living my life like the depressed slob I was being) I kept thinking things like "when ___ happens" or "In ____ years we'll...", I realized "oh my god, this is my LIFE. Nothing is paused...this is it and I am literally throwing months away being so freaking sad". Things have gotten better but there is still a struggle...luckily DH has encouraged me to talk to someone professionally to help cope with some of these things, in addition to the anxiety issue I have as well. And an anxiety issue/possible disorder doesn't help you NOT dwell on the things you can't change/miss/are mourning from your "pre-med school life". I'm just trying to get happy again. It's so hard to not obsess over the fun life we had just nine or so months ago. I know I am romanticizing it to some degree but I think back to our life for the past few years and just...mourn it. That's the best way I can describe it.

[MsSassyBaskets]

And also, for some reason this school recruits quite a bit from Utah, so there is an impressive population of Mormon men in DH's class all of whom have wives and at least one child, if not two. Since we are neither mormon nor parents, I haven't exactly found common ground there, either. They keep quite a tight-knit group and I think being childless gives me less in common with them!

Hah! I could've written this too -- that's what I meant by "in a different place lifestyle-wise"... lovely women, but I'm looking for someone to go to happy hour with, not a playdate.

[Phoebe]

You're not alone. I still feel that way sometimes my husband has been an attending for 10 years. We get you.

[diggitydot]

Hah! I could've written this too -- that's what I meant by "in a different place lifestyle-wise"... lovely women, but I'm looking for someone to go to happy hour with, not a playdate.

DH's med school recruited in Utah heavily, too. While we had a lot in common (religion aside), we still hung most with one other non-Utah fam and a bunch if single peeps.

You'll connect with whomever you connect. It might be with med school peeps and it might not. I was 29 when DH started med school and we were DEFINITELY in a different place than most of the fresh-from-undergrad crowd. We had zero in common with them and subsequently didn't hang together often.

[Curegirl]

You've definitely found the right place, many to commiserate with! (And lots of dog lovers)

[poky]

Yup, yup, yup.

WAY non-trad here, and I worked from home for three years after we moved 2500 miles for med school. I never really did connect closely to other spouses, but I eventually found my own group of friends not connected to med school at all, and a few of his classmates became close friends, too. DH and I used to work at the same company and carpool together every day (for years and years) before med school; while he was applying, I was TERRIFIED of what the changes would mean for us. It was bad. He even told me, sincerely, that if it freaked me out THAT badly, he didn't *have* to do it; I was more important than going to med school. I couldn't do that to him, though, and it turns out that the reality was nowhere near as bad as I had feared.

We definitely get it. You're not alone.

[MrsPotts]

Welcome!! We were out of undergrad for about 4 years or so before he started med school, so we were also used to having two incomes and now we are down to nothing in med school. We are an MS3 and I already have a countdown to match day next year since I don't like the town we live in and he will actually be making money! It was a really hard transition for me as well because I left a great job and friends in an awesome city (Boston where he got his MBS) to move to a town we both hate! haha So I feel ya! I guess the best advice I can give is hang in there, try not to be resentful, and make the most of what you have!

[Thirteen]

DH was non-trad as well -- I think 4 years between undergrad and medicine?
He started practicing at age 33, but our program had a lot of non-trads/a few with kids, so it wasn't single city party time, either.

[bobk]

Welcome! We also started med school in a new city just a few months after getting married. We ended up becoming close with other med students who were also married or in serious long-term relationships. Hopefully you can connect a bit more with those folks and develop some friendships. There was definitely a difference between that crowd and the singles who had just graduated from college. As for the lifestyle, the most important thing you can do is manage your expectations because you and your DH will have little to no control over the time constraints involved during training. It sounds like you've started working through that now.