New to the forum and full of questions!

[MrsK]

We were non-traditional too. My husband was an accountant before going to medical school. When we got married, I was more than 10 years out of law school and had just made partner in a national law firm. When my collegues heard I was marrying a medical student, they thought I was a cougar and were surprised to find he has more grey hair than I do. I did the telecommuting thing for 2.5 years too. It's very isolating. So is being a SAHM. Over the years, I've met several of my husband's classmates and collegues. I don't find that to be the most fertile ground for friendships. These people have work to do and they don't get out much.

BTW: Our residency program started a spouses group about a year ago. I haven't participated because they are just not my people. . . . and I don't care either. Perhaps I would have cared a couple years ago but now I'm just too busy doing my own thing.

[WolfpackWife]

This got me thinking...I have what may be a sort of insensitive question, though possibly also a realistic one. For those of you married with children...does your DH have the time to be the father you/he hoped he would? I don't mean for that to sound bad, but I do wonder. I am sure maybe some people who had expectations of what their future husbands would be like as dads maybe didn't consider what a doctor-dad would be like. I certainly did not expect to be marrying a doctor and the thought of having kids (which, we are not sure we want to have. And if we do decide to, it won't be for a while) does cause me to wonder about the...I don't know...father/child relationship I would be setting my family up for. I do admit that I came from possibly the most traditional of families: my dad owns his own business and my mom was a SAHM from the time I was born until...well, currently, actually (though now instead of kids she is busy with daily visits to elderly parents). My dad was home at the same time, every night. Dinners were the four of us, every night. My dad made it to games, recitals, family vacations, birthday parties, holidays, graduations, etc.

My uncle is an ER doc. I have vivid memories of "cousin sleepovers" at his and my aunt's house during which my cousins and I would be up at all hours of the night and he would come in or out at odd times going to or coming from a shift. We would eat breakfast and often lunch before he would emerge from their bedroom in the afternoon. I knew his schedule was "weird" to me, but my cousins consider their family life to be fulfilled and happy. I do, however, remember many Thanksgivings and Christmases he was not there for. In fact, this last Thanksgiving the poor man came trudging in at 8:30pm in scrubs after a full day in the ER. I know the perk of the ED is there are no calls shifts.

Coworkers or other people married to or related to doctors have often rolled their eyes and said things like "well, go ahead and get used to the idea of him not being there and basically doing everything yourself. Oh, and if you have kids...they'll probably never see him". Do you find this to be true? Do your kids feel like their dad is a stranger (for lack of a better word)? Particularly people whose spouses are in hospitals as opposed to private practice. Do you feel as though your parenting life is successful being that you're married to a doctor?

I hope these are not sensitive questions. The few medical spouses I actually know enough to have a conversation with do not have children and are not children of doctors.

[poky]

I hope these are not sensitive questions. The few medical spouses I actually know enough to have a conversation with do not have children and are not children of doctors.

Happily childfree here, but I can pass on what I've learned from observation: it really depends on the specialty and even the particular job, once you're out of training. Training, for sure, makes it really tough to be a super-involved parent, since med school clinical year schedules and residency schedules tend to suck, and change month to month, often with little notice of what your upcoming schedule will be. It's likely you'll need to learn to celebrate holidays and birthdays sometime AROUND the actual day, rather than always ON the day. Life will almost certainly NOT be exactly like what you had growing up. If you have a job, daycare can be difficult if your work schedule isn't flexible, and you will ALWAYS be the one who has to stay home with sick kids, etc. It seems to me that medicine TENDS to encourage a more "traditional" family setup, albeit with weird work hours; two-career families can work, of course, but medicine tends to pay enough that the other spouse doesn't HAVE to work if they don't want to, and if they have kids, it makes things a *lot* simpler if they don't both work.

The father/child relationship depends more on him and his attitude than on the schedule (as attested by your cousins who are happy with their EM dad). Kids are adaptable, and as long as you're cool with it, they will be.

[ladymoreta]

It definitely depends... And even in specialties/jobs with crazy hours, the dad can still be a good dad. A lot depends on the wife and kids' expectations and creativity. Also, there's nothing wrong with factoring the type of post-training life you want into the specialty decision. It was high on our list.

My experience with having kids in residency was very good. We were in a family-friendly program. DH was gone on call nights, of course, but more often than not he was home by dinner time other nights. His schedule is even better now.

[v-girl]

Mine chose a specialty that allows him plenty of time for the kids. The trade-off is that the pay is no where what I hoped to see after all the years he put into his training.

[diggitydot]

Like everything else it medicine, the situation depends entirely in specialty, location, and the people involved. My dude is an actively involve and engaged dad, but he can't exactly leave a laboring mom to head to a softball game or track meet. There is lots of give-and-take.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Welcome! To answer your question re: kids - the answer really is "it depends". My DH is in a competitive surgical sub-specialty at a well-regarded program. Currently, things depend on his specific rotation. He will be on research when DD2 is born, so he will be more available, but not completely. Right now, he is on peds, and only sees DD1 a few nights a week. He is on call between 1-2x per week, which is not that bad. He is so mentally exhausted and has "other" catch-up work to do (research obligations, etc) by the time the weekend rolls around, that I don't schedule things around him. DD and I do our own thing, and if he can make it, good. There is also a HUGE learning curve for them when they are home (IMHO), because they just don't know how things are done around the house. Our biggest thing is re: naps and bed time. It's 6:30, DH wants to go out to dinner. DD has already eaten and will want to start getting ready for bed around 7:15, so it will obviously not be a pleasant experience.

DH and I got married MS2, but we started dating between frosh/soph year of college. I've always had pretty low expectations as far his availability goes, so I can be pleasantly surprised rather than sad. It's taking my family a lot more time to get used to, especially when things like weddings and funerals come up. One example - I had to attend my cousin's wedding alone, with an 8 month-old, 6 hours away. It was super stressful and a huge PITA. My aunt passed away last year, and DH couldn't get the time off (he was on call and no one could switch), so I went to the services alone. It is what it is. LSW put it right when she said that in the end, it will get better, or it won't. Hang in there - it's not for the faint of heart

Also, I will add that in med school, no one was married. My friends were people that I worked with. Now, there are 23 spouses for the 30 residents in our department (plus 4 other sig-others), so they make up a majority of my friends.

[MrsK]

Mine chose a specialty that allows him plenty of time for the kids. The trade-off is that the pay is no where what I hoped to see after all the years he put into his training.

This.

[WolfpackWife]

This is all so helpful. It's one thing to talk to well-meaning relatives and my own parents, but another entirely to talk to women (and men, I'm sure) who don't have to speculate...they actually KNOW WTF is up!

I know I should probably put a lid on my quesitons for now, but there's so much "what if" that I've discussed with DH before that he could just speculate on. You all might actually know!

One thing I've been interested in and sort of worried about is what happens if your spouse is a resident or fellow and you're like, in labor or something? Are programs really so rigid and heartless that they don't care if the spouse is in labor or bleeding out in a car accident that they won't let the doctor-spouse be with their loved one? I know it is SO far-fetched, but I've often wondered: if something happened to me and DH was in the middle of a shift as a resident, would he be able to come to me, especially if it was serious? Or do you really end up taking a 100% backseat to perfect strangers (also known as patients) no matter how serious or grave your situation is?

Of course, I know that the first priority is the patient. And I don't mean "boo, honey, I'm sad and feeling sick. Can you please come home?" I mean: "doctor, your wife is in labor/been in a serious accident and is at (hospital), we suggest you come here" and it's like "well...I've got patients and no one can cover so...now's not a good time" (this is probably a ridiculous thing to ask but hey--I figured I'd put it out there)

[Thirteen]

I'll bite with the in labor question.
He was PGY-3, and moonlighting - I labored down alone, on pitocin, until I knew he was off-shift. I called to tell him I was in labor.
It took him another 2 hours to arrive. He was there for the delivery, but I know some whose spouses missed it. I think the best comparison might be military life - they either can be there, or they can't, and you just have to keep living life. It goes two ways: it can foster a sense of independence and confidence (you really can do anything!), or it can eat at you until you break (and it does happen). Occasional therapy, this site, and anti-depressants (should it be called for) are a huge lifesaver.

[diggitydot]

Our training program was pretty great about family emergencies. Residents were actually told, "Go be with your family. They need you. We'll figure out the coverage."

Not all places are like that, though.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Our training program was pretty great about family emergencies. Residents were actually told, "Go be with your family. They need you. We'll figure out the coverage."

Not all places are like that, though.

This. DH was on call when my water broke. It was about 2:30 am, so too late to get a sub. His senior resident came in to finish call for the night, I drove myself in, and he finished notes from call. He then slept until about 1 pm in L&D. DD was born just before 3. He rounded all mornings that I was in the hospital, but was otherwise with me.

[Pollyanna]

Our training program was pretty great about family emergencies. Residents were actually told, "Go be with your family. They need you. We'll figure out the coverage."

Not all places are like that, though.

Yes, this was us too.

[v-girl]

We had all three of our kids during med school. We couldn't afford to do anything else. Ha ha ha!

[GreyhoundsRUs]

We had all three of our kids during med school. We couldn't afford to do anything else. Ha ha ha!

One of DH's attendings said of the recent resident baby-boom, "You guys obviously have too much time on your hands". DH's response, "It really only takes a few minutes".