New to the forum and full of questions!

[rainbabies]

We had all three kids during med school. His residency wasn't very family friendly.

[GrayMatterWife]

I mean: "doctor, your wife is in labor/been in a serious accident and is at (hospital), we suggest you come here" and it's like "well...I've got patients and no one can cover so...now's not a good time" (this is probably a ridiculous thing to ask but hey--I figured I'd put it out there)

My husband rounded while I was in labor and scrubbed into a procedure. But it was taking a long time. Might as well be productive. What was he going to do? Stare at my cervix dilating?

He was a resident in neurosurgery at a fairly notoriously unfamily friendly, malignant program. And no one was such an asshole as to say he couldn't be there for a birth. But, by the time my daughters were born while he was in residency, he had earned his needed hard-core reputation. People give you a lot more respect if they know you will do whatever it takes to get it done. And respect often translates into tolerance.

[houseelf]

Welcome Wolfpack,

I hope your name means that you live a cool "Hangover" lifestyle with fabulous girlfriends who you rock the world with.

Yeah, me neither, but I can dream.

I think that some of your questions will evoke a variety of responses because it all depends. Med school was a joke for us. In fact, I worked harder for my own degree and subsequent licensing. In our case, med school was easy because DH has a Masters Degree in Human Anatomy and a BS in Mechanical Engineering. He states that the difficulty of the material taught in medicine was easier than the material taught in engineering. (Not the amount of material, mind you). Anyway, DH found that med school came easier to him than others. Conversely, OUR residency was a right nasty piece of work. Believe me that I'm being polite as possible when I describe it thusly. Fellowship was its own circle of hell, but TBF, there are less than 1000 people board certified in my spouse's subspecialty. One has to have a certain deviant personality to pursue it. After training, I can tell you that attendinghood is like living in the Rose Bowl parade in comparison. On the other hand, sopme on this board have described their med school experience as horrid followed by a reasonable residency. In other words, any one of us could advise you all day long, but I guarantee your situation will look different. Your path will be your own.

What I can tell you is that on this board, there is definitely someone who will "get" what you are going through. All the questions that you are asking are the same ones that we asked ourselves. Welcome to our humble site.

[Phoebe]

DH was scrambling to find call coverage during fellowship when I was walking the halls in labor after my water had broken. He always found coverage but had to repay the call nights, even as an attending. We got smart and started scheduling vacation time a couple weeks after the births of #s 3 and 4.

DH's group is flexible. DH has even taken a couple days off to stay with the kids when I have been too sick to get out of bed. it took him 10 years to get to that point but I'll take it.

Overall, you have to be pretty independent, forgiving and flexible. There are people who have had to care for their families for days/weeks and months at a time while their spouse was away for training. you might dind yourself changing a flat tire in heels during the dead of winter. Medical training can suck the life out of you and make you wonder who your spouse has become. They usually show back up eventually. Dont give up your hobbies and cherish the time together when its available. You'll do fine.

[WolfpackWife]

Welcome Wolfpack,

I hope your name means that you live a cool "Hangover" lifestyle with fabulous girlfriends who you rock the world with.

I wish!! I had to leave all of my fabulous girlfriends behind when we moved for med school, ha!

Twelve hours into joining this forum aaaaand I'm basically in love with all of you. It is so encouraging to compare notes with you and to know what I'm feeling or asking isn't crazy or selfish or terrible or unprecedented.

And I am not all frowny faces and complaints. I knew going into this (well, not exactly "going into this"...DH was undecided aboout what he wanted to do after college for about the first six months we were together) what he wanted to do. We were together for two years before he even applied. When I am not full of resentment and fear, I actually appreciate the fact that he gave me an excuse (also known as "forced") to move to a different state. I wouldn't have done that otherwise. I wouldn't have done it on my own, and in 40 years I would have looked back and thought "I do wish I had gotten away for a bit and learned what that was like". It's not like we made an impressive, earth-shattering move...but it was a big deal for me. And he's the reason why and at the end of this--after all of the tears and even the good times--I know I'll at least be able to say "Because of this experience, I am a more independent person and I made it though a change that I wasn't ready for and was scared of". And I am so, so proud of him. Even though he works like a dog to stay ahead and on top, he enjoys learning because this is who he is. To know that he's received accolades from preceptors and research fellowships for the ideas hes presented and his natural capability to just "get it" is so rewarding for me...and it's not even my accomplishment! I just need to come to terms with not getting what I want or having to temper my expectations about what he can do, where we can go, and what I can or can't expect from him--and I haven't done that yet. It has caused more than a few blowouts.

I like to think that I am still naive and I have time to become a go-with-the-flow doctor's wife who brushes it off when he's three hours late to dinner or has to leave a gathering because he's on call or misses my grandfather's funeral. But I haven't yet. I am so mournful of the four post-college years we spent doing EVERYTHING together and having the same schedule and tons of free time and options that each time he disappoints me or every night I spend browsing the interwebs for hours alone waiting for him to even speak to me face-to-face for the first time that day, I dig my heels in further and pout. I think I will get past it and get to that more relaxed "ah, it's just the medical school/residency/doctor's spouse life!" point. But for now, I remain pouty and exasperated.

Semi-related: it's unbelievable to me the things I will admit about myself and my behavior to a group of strangers. This is almost like free therapy.

[MrsK]

With my first, I was in my OB's office getting an ultrasound when they discovered I needed an emergency c-section STAT. When the OB said, call your DH and have him meet us at the hospital, I reminded her that he was a PGY-1 (at a different hospital). She made sure the OR was ready before we called him so we wouldn't be waiting around at the hospital. He was there. If there were a life-threatening situation, he'd have been there too.

[MrsK]

BTW, you won't believe the things we'll discuss once you know us. All of the family politics, how we *really* feel about our inlaws, childhood traumas, grooming habits, religion, politics, money, sex ...there aren't many taboos here.

And I totally understand how relieved you feel to have your life change. I was on a very narrow path before I began DrK's Nomadic Medical Journey. It really has opened my mind to things I never considered before.

[HouseofWool]

BTW, you won't believe the things we'll discuss once you know us. All of the family politics, how we *really* feel about our inlaws, childhood traumas, grooming habits, religion, politics, money, sex ...there aren't many taboos here.

Preach

[weeniegeniewife]

Do you feel as though your parenting life is successful being that you're married to a doctor?

Yes, very. We have three kids between us and DH is home every single night for dinner. He is 20 years out of training and is a sub-specialist surgeon, and even with a nasty call schedule, is still there for us as a family. We're very, very lucky in that regard. I bitch and moan every once in awhile about his call schedule, but I really shouldn't complain. Post-training life has been good to us.

[ladymoreta]

Medical school had its dark moments for me, too. You're not alone! We got marred during undergrad and were used to spending all our time together. Add to that a horrible first job and some severe baby-crazy feelings on my part, and it just wasn't great... We eventually found some amazing friends there, and I changed jobs, and things looked less bleak. Then, of course, we had to move for residency...

Most of the moms in our residency program were induced at about 39 weeks to make sure their husbands were able to be there. That wasn't a requirement, so I didn't do it, and they were very accommodating for DH. With my first, I was due towards the end of the month, so they arranged his call schedule very heavy early in the month, then he didn't take call for the last couple weeks. They also put him as backup the week I was due so it didn't cause scheduling problems when I went into labor overnight. (I was pretty crazy the first part of the month, thinking I might go into labor when he was on call every other night, but the iMSN mojo came through for me!)

[WolfpackWife]

BTW, you won't believe the things we'll discuss once you know us. All of the family politics, how we *really* feel about our inlaws, childhood traumas, grooming habits, religion, politics, money, sex ...there aren't many taboos here.

That's good to know--I was just fuming this morning about my MIL because...ugh. Just ugh. I usually reserve that for chats with my mom, but my mom is very "you've just got to understand her...just be nice" about it and I'm all: BUT YOU DON'T GET IT SHE'S SO...UGH!!

[diggitydot]

That's good to know--I was just fuming this morning about my MIL because...ugh. Just ugh. I usually reserve that for chats with my mom, but my mom is very "you've just got to understand her...just be nice" about it and I'm all: BUT YOU DON'T GET IT SHE'S SO...UGH!!

Oh, hon -- please believe we get that shitfest, too. The threads knocking around these parts regarding various MILs will sometimes piss you off and make you laugh at the same time. Because bitches are crazy.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Mine gave me paper plates with the American flag on them one year for my birthday. I know the crazy MiL. And mine doesn't even place for bronze compared to some of the people here!

Mine never sent us Christmas presents this year, which I think was retaliation for us not coming home and going on our honeymoon instead. And same -- she's just a minor pain compared to what I see from others on here!!

[rainbabies]

Mine is off her rocker crazy, hateful, cold, mean, and a bitch that I hate.