Staying Human During Residency Training

[PrincessFiona]

It's a book for your spouses ... up for grabs!

To win it, let's talk about us!


In what ways have you grown through the residency training process that were unexpected to you?
The person who posts the most in this thread between 4-24 and 4-30 gets a free book.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

One of the things that really surprised me about myself was my ability to organize important things and get them done. So many of you here are very organized and know how to power through things like moving and major transitions. I'm not a very organized person and I grew a lot simply by recognizing that I could put it all together and get it done. My transitions were never as seamless as many of yours have been though. This has definitely shown up as more self-confidence in my post-training life. Even when I feel uncertain about whether I can get something done, I find myself starting out with the attitude that I ... probably can do it even if I think I can't.

Kris

[peggyfromwastate]

As a perfectionist and people pleaser, I have really had to grapple with the reality that life isn't perfect and can not be. And that some days (or months) surviving alone is heroic. I have had to lower my expectations of myself to more humanly possible levels. I have grown in that I do not judge other people like my 27 year old self might have (that's the year dh started medical school). If someone cuts me off in traffic-- gee they must be in a hurry. Not worth stressing myself out. If my kid's shirt is super stained at 8 am? It's ok. Gonna get dirty anyway. Go with the flow... Stressed out by having to sign 15 things every night? Solution:teach my kids my signature. Lifesaver.

Anyway, I don't know how much I've grown bc of medicine vs parenting. Medicine has forced me to function mostly as a single parent. To take on insurance companies alone (just did that-- dh failed in 5 min but I got through and got my approvals in 40 minutes), to plan vacations alone, to plan all activities alone, to be independent yet somehow keep just on this side of resentment. I'm still growing in this area... it's a process.

[ladymoreta]

I've gotten a lot more independent. I can vividly remember DH's first call nights in medical school. I'd sleep with the light on (or usually not sleep) because I was afraid to be alone in the apartment. Now? I kind of miss him when he's gone overnight, but it's great having the house to myself once the kids are in bed!

Hmm, that's about it... I feel like most of the ways I've grown have more to do with other life events we've been through. People who are not in medicine have also gone through moves, had children, changed jobs, etc. Those have changed me for the better and for the worse, but I think that to put all of that on medicine and training is giving it more credit than it deserves. If I'd stayed at my first job, I'd be working more hours than DH does now and traveling a lot, and we'd be making a significantly lower salary. I would be the working spouse we were revolving our lives around, but it would suck much more than residency ever did.

[houseelf]

Wow, residency was a life experience that showed me who I am. I learned that I am far more capable than I ever knew! As a younger person, I suffered from a lot of self doubt. Working with a young child in another city with a resident spouse really showed me what I could do. I trust myself so much more.

I learned that if you work hard and do the right things, it eventually pays off. I also know that sometimes the most effective thing to do is just to keep your head low and power through. I learned that a good support network is priceless.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

I've come to really enjoy my alone time. Really enjoy it. I've also stopped caring/comparing/explaining to non med peeps about why DH didn't do night feedings/can't come to an event/etc. I've come to rely on myself and Google a lot more. I've learned that I have 3 options for most tasks: do them myself, hire someone (not usually an option because of $$), or forget about it. I've learned not to be angry/bitter about having to do it myself. I do get more restless (I'd love to get in the car and drive to ____ for the day), but I think that has more to do with the fact that we have a toddler who doesn't like the car and I'm pregnant, rather than being a result of residency.

I've learned that as hard or tired or overwhelmed I am, DH is sad that he can't be more of a "normal" dad/husband. He doesn't regret his choices, but we're still trying to strike a balance with everything!

[moonlight]

I'm still in the learning process and don't have much to add here. Yet.

I really relate to something GRU said. I too get very restless. I've been restless for nearly four years nonstop. I plan trips Knowing my kid will meltdown but I do it anyways for some unknown push that tells me it will be good fun. For the past year it's hell when we take her anywhere. Regardless, I'm planning a overnight trip in two weeks. Can't seem to stop myself.

[diggitydot]

I'm not sure how it's even possible, but this trek has made me more independent and less likely to give a shit about anyone else's opinions about our life or choices. I've always been independent and cared little for the opinions of others and the med life crapfest has only reinforced those traits.

The one thing that HAS surprised me is how cool I am with being a hermit. I'm not sure I'd have embraced my introversion as much had we not had the time and space to discover it.

[Thirteen]

I grew up a people pleaser, and medicine changed all that. "Thank you, residency!"

Like others, I found I can pretty much do anything alone (and then, with a toddler in tow), and the precious time that DH is available is much coveted. I never thought I would turn down events, play dates, fun with friends over time alone with my little family, but I absolutely do and am unabashed about it.

Our home has become a sanctuary of sorts as well - we really don't host people for dinner, or that sort of thing. I love my quiet time, and usually spend it working on new hobbies/projects around the house. Teen me would have been besides herself with all the alone time, but adult/post-training me very much enjoys it.


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[medpedspouse]

I have always been independent/loved my alone time, type A, super organized, a planner and self reliant....can we say only child? Training taught me to let go of my type A tendencies, to seek others for support and welcome time with others. It never mattered how much I planned, made lists, excel spreadsheets, etc., I could not control the beast medicine. I had to learn to just roll with it. Hence, the need for time with others who supported me either by letting me know that I, too, would survive "X" or by providing a distraction from the crapfest.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

...the precious time that DH is available is much coveted. I never thought I would turn down events, play dates, fun with friends over time alone with my little family, but I absolutely do and am unabashed about it.

Our home has become a sanctuary of sorts as well - we really don't host people for dinner, or that sort of thing. I love my quiet time, and usually spend it working on new hobbies/projects around the house. Teen me would have been besides herself with all the alone time, but adult/post-training me very much enjoys it.

Yes, yes, yes! I actually cancelled all of my obligations a few months ago (book club, women's group, etc) because I wasn't getting enough quiet time. I told DH that I never wanted to have a party/gathering again. I have since decided that I would like to have 1 really great party a year that our family is known for having, plus a b-day party for each of the kids each year (once residency is over). I think once the kids are in school, I will have enough "me" time, but right now, it's a bit stressful. I was also really excited to go to a residency that had a lot of families in our similar place in life (small kids, SAHM), but now I kind of dislike it because I feel obligated to do stuff/see people. I've actually been getting really stressed lately about having commitments I used to not function well if I wasn't overloaded, but now, I can't stand it.

[MAPPLEBUM]

...I've learned that I have 3 options for most tasks: do them myself, hire someone (not usually an option because of $$), or forget about it. I've learned not to be angry/bitter about having to do it myself...

I'm months late to this thread but it was very good to read, especially the above quote. Even if I'm still in denial/hope that at some point he'll pick up more house/living responsibilities. I'm certainly in the thick of learning but we're really in his first year of training (TY year was a joke). In 3 years I'm sure I'll have some substantial reflections.