Best time to have a second child?

[MrsK]

This is the same as the "when to have a baby" question we see a lot regarding first babies. The answer generally is, there is no good time or bad time during in medicine or in any other career. Let the other factors in your life determine when to have a baby. Consider your age, your physical and mental health, the strength of your marriage . . . . The factor that is different here is the first child. I'd add the first child's temperment, maturity, and age into the forumula. In our case, we had babies during PGY1 and PGY2, 18-months apart. Just worked out that way. It wasn't until the first was about 27mo that I think he was really mature enough for a younger sibling notwithstanding that he'd been an older brother for nine months already that point.

[mommax3]

We had our first in April of MS2, our second at the end of May intern year, and our third about six weeks after DH became an attending. Which was hardest? The third, hands down, which I absolutely did not expect. Having a baby at the end of intern year wasn't awesome (DH started a t-surgery rotation a week after our son was born and basically has no memory of his infancy), but DS#2 was an easy baby and DH's intern year (while I was sick, living in a new city where I knew no one, with an extremely strong-willed 2 y.o.) was actually easier than his 2nd year because intern year had so many off-service rotations that were easier/had better hours than his specialty. Soooo, there is no real way of knowing what is going to work best. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and jump! Good luck!

[MrsK]

We had our first in April of MS2, our second at the end of May intern year, and our third about six weeks after DH became an attending. Which was hardest? The third, hands down, which I absolutely did not expect. Having a baby at the end of intern year wasn't awesome (DH started a t-surgery rotation a week after our son was born and basically has no memory of his infancy), but DS#2 was an easy baby and DH's intern year (while I was sick, living in a new city where I knew no one, with an extremely strong-willed 2 y.o.) was actually easier than his 2nd year because intern year had so many off-service rotations that were easier/had better hours than his specialty. Soooo, there is no real way of knowing what is going to work best. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and jump! Good luck!

Why was the third the hardest?

[diggitydot]

Interesting. Our 3rd was by far the easiest.

[Vishenka69]

I think I'm one of the few on the forums (if not the only one) who chose to wait until well after training to have kids. I'm really glad we waited as we were strained enough without adding kids to the mix. Ability to afford for me to stay at home, day care and various other outsourcing is priceless. If your age allows, my vote would be to wait until you're completely done with training.

[mommax3]

Why was the third the hardest?

Soooo many reasons.....

We had just moved from our residency location where I had made lots of friends and had a strong support system (and a location I really enjoyed) to a place where I knew *no one*. We had been there six weeks when DS#3 was born. I left my older two boys overnight with a woman/family I barely knew when I gave birth b/c there were no other options, which horrifies me to this day.

DH was doing his military payback and the OB/Gyn clinic was short-staffed when we got there. DH was one of two providers in a clinic that was supposed to have four docs, so call was q2 for the first eight months we were there....far worse than residency, and he did residency before there were work hour restrictions, averaging 100 hour work weeks for four years. When I was showing signs of labor on a Friday preceding DH's "off" weekend, we went in and the other provider broke my water. I delivered that night, and came home from the hospital on Sunday. DH went back to work (and call) on Monday. 9/11 happened the next day....so I was hormonal, knew we would go to war and had an active duty husband who would function as a t-surgeon if deployed. I also had extremely active boys who were 6 and 3 years old. The 6 year old was in a class/school that was not a good fit and was having lots of behavioral problems. In addition to all of the above, the baby would not sleep and cried (seemingly) all the time. I still don't know if it was colic, reflux, or what. I was a walking zombie and it was the worst time of my life. I needed DH like I had never needed him before and he was not able to be there for me....and at that point, I had no one else.

We all survived....but none of the hard stuff that happened was predictable. Having DS#2 at the end of intern year was a cakewalk compared to all of that....DH had a week off, I only had one other kid, and I had lived in that location for a year and knew some people in the area. You just never know. I wouldn't have chosen to have a baby so soon after moving, (actually initially I had hoped to have a baby in Feb or March of DH's last year) but as we all know, even planned pregnancies don't always occur exactly when you want them to.

[SoonerTexan]

DH was doing his military payback and the OB/Gyn clinic was short-staffed when we got there. DH was one of two providers in a clinic that was supposed to have four docs, so call was q2 for the first eight months we were there....far worse than residency, and he did residency before there were work hour restrictions, averaging 100 hour work weeks for four years. When I was showing signs of labor on a Friday preceding DH's "off" weekend, we went in and the other provider broke my water. I delivered that night, and came home from the hospital on Sunday. DH went back to work (and call) on Monday. 9/11 happened the next day....so I was hormonal, knew we would go to war and had an active duty husband who would function as a t-surgeon if deployed. I also had extremely active boys who were 6 and 3 years old. The 6 year old was in a class/school that was not a good fit and was having lots of behavioral problems. In addition to all of the above, the baby would not sleep and cried (seemingly) all the time. I still don't know if it was colic, reflux, or what. I was a walking zombie and it was the worst time of my life. I needed DH like I had never needed him before and he was not able to be there for me....and at that point, I had no one else.

Good Lord woman. That. Is. Intense.

[v-girl]

Wow. You're a hero. But then, most moms are.

[GrayMatterWife]

At 40, with 4 kids under my belt now, I view things a little differently than I did at 25 or so. I've had kids in med school, in residency and in attending hood. I am sorry I waited so long to have my first. I spent my 20s obsessed with my education, timing and finances. I worried too much and missed living.

There is no "bad" time to have kids. Any time is a blessing. The older I get, the more convinced of that I am.

[v-girl]

There is no "bad" time to have kids. Any time is a blessing. The older I get, the more convinced of that I am.

I wish someone had told me this in fellowship. I'm glad we had the first three when we did -- even if we had little money.

[diggitydot]

We had all three of our stooges prior to med school. I do not regret having kids while still in my early to mid-20s, at all.

[ladymoreta]

In your situation, it sounds like starting to try to get pregnant during the middle of intern year would be a great fit. The waiting is hard; I get it. I was very ready at the end of MS1, and we decided to wait to try until mid-intern year. Those years were psychologically very hard for me, but it ended up being great timing for us because we were both ready.

[DCJenn]

I'll just continue to be the voice of dissent here- I LOVE only having one. Of course, I was 38, he's adopted and my husband didn't want any kids at all.

I wouldn't change a thing though. I'm sure there are things that we miss out on, but there are also lots of things that we're able to do precisely because we only have one. (three ginormous vacations in three years to start with- Disney World, Germany, Nicaragua.)

and for the person who is contemplating DINK life? That's a pretty awesome life, too. It's all what you make of it.

Jenn

[Agentamer]

If I could choose between having a baby in MS4 or the end if intern year I'd pick MS4 every day of the week and twice on Sunday. I know you didn't give that as a consideration but 4th year is full if free time for your doc providing there isn't a bunch if away rotations. But if you are just trying to get having baby #2 " out of the way" then I'm not sure you are ready for another baby. Have another baby because you WANT another child, not for any other reason and regardless of what else is going on in your life.

I agree. We had our first our intern year (July 13th) and our second 2 years later. Now he was radiology and unlike other residencies, it is easy and progressively gets much much much more intense as the years go on. I think most are killer at the beginning and taper??? I could be wrong. Anywho...my point is DH didn't get to see my daughter her entire life basically! He got to spend his intern year missing our son's babyhood but his 1-2 he got to spend with him. Point, earlier the better I think. Residency get intense in most cases. Whether it be from actual hours in hospital, moonlighting, boards, applying for fellowships or jobs, conferences, etc. He is gonna get a lot busier. Anyhow, I thought that having one during intern year was okay as he was busy and i was in Mommy world. He didn't miss much other than me sitting and nursing my days away.

[metroguy]

having a baby during intern year is not too bad--if it's a transitional year. he can switch to 'light' rotations. my wife was able to do some no show rotations and able to extend her vacation by 2 weeks doing that.