They Don't Get It

[DrBandMe]

I get it - I get it that my friends and family just don't "get" what it is that DrB and I go through together to get him through medical school. Most times it doesn't really bother me but sometimes, I seriously just want to shut down and hide from people for a bit.

I'm self-aware enough to know that I put myself in this position because I do my damnest to field everyone's questions, concerns, opinions, and the like (helpful or not) so DrB never needs to; so I understand that I put unnecessary pressure on myself which most likely leads to this frustration. What I don't get, however, is why I need to explain the same things to everyone over and over and over again. I am seriously considering making a handout with the entire match process written out for people so I can pass those out instead of explaining ONE MORE TIME that NO! I DON'T know where we are going to live until MARCH! I don't know if we'll be in the burgh. I don't know if we'll be in PA. I don't know if we'll be in the Northeast! I DON'T KNOW and you guilting me about potentially "leaving you behind" doesn't help me and is sure as hell doesn't help him.

On top of that, I went out to lunch with a few friends earlier today and had shared my own anxiety about the match with them with the hopes that they would at least TRY to listen and encourage me. Instead, what I feel like I received was a lot of "well, you knew what you were getting into" and "yeah, but he'll be a DOCTOR!" (like that's some status that instantly makes everything in life better) and even a "but think of ALL THAT MONEY you'll have". What. the. effing. eff. Are you kidding me?! I AM NOT IN THIS FOR THE MONEY!!!!! Why do people even say that?!

They don't get it and today I'm tired of explaining it. Tomorrow will be better but today - today I'm tired. They just don't get it. Sometimes - this whole process really bites.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

People suck.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Just don't explain it.

Seriously, I know you are trying to get support but honestly, I try once with each group of people and after that, I stopped explaining (especially to DH's family who I think I tried to explain it to like 7,000 times, conservatively). I just started saying, "it's so exhausting so we're not talking about it right now, we'll know more in March but interviewing is going well."

[diggitydot]

Just don't explain it.

Yup. A good, "Hey! Your guess is as good as ours where we'll end up for the next part of this shitfest!" can actually be pretty cathartic and effective at shutting shit down.

Or, just don't fucking talk to people. That's my go-to and it ALWAYS serves me best. Because I hate people. People suck.

And the assholes who are all, "Oh, you knew this was possible," can eat a bag of dicks. Not all of us were all that well-informed back in the day.

[peggyfromwastate]

And even if we were that well informed, I still think it's reasonable for friends to say "wow that sucks" instead of "well you knew this would happen".

I've been dealing with this for many many years. They just use it as a conversation starter. I get asked at least 2 times a week by all sorts of people where we will be moving next year. I don't know. I tell them we won't know until march. Ugh. I feel your pain.

[corn poffi]

I stopped explaining a long time ago. Residency is even worse because people don't understand what that means. I do know what I was getting into, so getting into the money arguement is just a waste of my time. Plus, my actual friends would never say anything about the money, since they're not idiots. Strangers are usually the weirdos who feel the need to comment.

[Curegirl]

What the others said. In the past couple of years since my SO and I have been together, I've heard everything from people calling me a gold digger (thanks assholes, you can go fuck yourselves now) to he's cheating on me because we don't get to see each other often (long distance plus training? Again, thanks dickwads). It's gotten to the point where my group of friends has shrunk down immensely but the people who are non-judgmental rock and are amazing even if they don't understand all the ins and outs of medicine.

[SoonerTexan]

I've had to explain it repeatedly to my parents, but they kind of get it now. Still suffered through a lot of annoying comments there.

It was ironically harder for in laws to get it. They both matched in the late 80s and I don't think they believed how competitive we were saying it was (especially Rads) for awhile. I think they only ranked a few handfuls of programs each!

[MrsC]

I gave up trying to explain it too. They'll never get it.
I find it odd that my parents understand what he does better than his own though!

[metroguy]

yeah it sucks. most people will not understand. and it'll get worse. best thing to say --is don't say anything. if they ask what he does--just say he works in the hospital or in medical field.. for 1 to 2 yrs--we used to get phone calls in the middle of night asking some kind of medical question.

[PrincessFiona]

I'm sorry. I think we've all been there. If it makes you feel better, we get it. You can talk to us and we won't tell you how lucky you are to have married a doctor. It's hard when friends just don't seem to have the insight and empathy that we need. It doesn't make them bad friends .... they really just don't get it.

Kris

[DrBandMe]

If it makes you feel better, we get it. You can talk to us and we won't tell you how lucky you are to have married a doctor. It's hard when friends just don't seem to have the insight and empathy that we need. It doesn't make them bad friends .... they really just don't get it.

Yes, actually it does make me feel better. I confided in my best friend that I had been active here and that it has been really encouraging to be working toward becoming a part of the group because you all DO get it. She had really positive things to say and even apologized for not getting it. I told her not to apologize because she genuinely tries. So you're right - it doesn't necessarily make them bad friends.

don't say anything. if they ask what he does--just say he works in the hospital or in medical field..

Yeah, seems I've already been learning that lesson the hard way. I've had people ask me if he can get them drugs, if he could just stop over and stitch someone up (their argument was that it only needed a stitch or two), and even asked if he could get them a discount on their breast augmentation. I am already to the point that I don't want anyone to know he is going to be a doctor. Period. (I even ask him to take off his white coat as soon as he gets to the car)

Thank you for the advice.

I gave up trying to explain it too. They'll never get it.

I'm learning you are very correct with this sentiment! Thank you, MrsC!

I've had to explain it repeatedly to my parents, but they kind of get it now.

My parents seem to get it more than my in-laws-to-be do as well! I think it's because I talk to my mom and dad way more than he has the opportunity to speak to his folks so they hear more of the details and nitty gritty so to speak.

It's gotten to the point where my group of friends has shrunk down immensely but the people who are non-judgmental rock and are amazing even if they don't understand all the ins and outs of medicine.

I think this will happen more and more through each phase, but I'm okay with that. I much prefer genuine friendship than something superficial. Thank you for the support.

I stopped explaining a long time ago. Residency is even worse because people don't understand what that means. I do know what I was getting into, so getting into the money argument is just a waste of my time. Plus, my actual friends would never say anything about the money, since they're not idiots. Strangers are usually the weirdos who feel the need to comment.

Right?! Strangers DO always seem to feel the need to comment. Or tell me how they know so much more about it all. Or ask me how I feel about Obamacare. Growl.

They just use it as a conversation starter.

I had never considered that; I'll have to ponder it some more and come up with ways to deflect.

And the assholes who are all, "Oh, you knew this was possible," can eat a bag of dicks.

THIS.

I just started saying, "it's so exhausting so we're not talking about it right now, we'll know more in March but interviewing is going well."

I'm going to try that! Thank you for the suggestion!

People suck.

Werd.

[houseelf]

Yes, actually it does make me feel better. I confided in my best friend that I had been active here and that it has been really encouraging to be working toward becoming a part of the group because you all DO get it. She had really positive things to say and even apologized for not getting it. I told her not to apologize because she genuinely tries. So you're right - it doesn't necessarily make them bad friends.

This! This is my favorite attribute of the website. I'm incredibly blest to have friends from way, way, way back who are willing to tell me the real truth about life. Nonetheless, medicine is this weird existence that you almost have to live it to understand it. I would have crumpled up and died without the people on this website because even the truest, oldest, bestest friends just don't understand. You are not alone and it is not you. It really is a parallel universe.

[moonlight]

This! This is my favorite attribute of the website. I'm incredibly blest to have friends from way, way, way back who are willing to tell me the real truth about life. Nonetheless, medicine is this weird existence that you almost have to live it to understand it. I would have crumpled up and died without the people on this website because even the truest, oldest, bestest friends just don't understand. You are not alone and it is not you. It really is a parallel universe.

So true. This was and is a essential part of my support system through med school, residency, and now fellowship. Only people living it will get it.

I overheard these two moms chatting at the playground about how her husband might have to take a job in GA. She was going on and on about how hard it will be for the kids. I wanted to scream at her to get over it. At least it's not 5 times in 8 years like some people around here with no real end in sight.

[DrBandMe]

At least it's not 5 times in 8 years like some people around here with no real end in sight.

See, statements like this are exactly what I need to see. Not really what I want to see but what I need to see. I think too often I allow myself to believe we'll be in this city forever when the numbers really don't support that. Sure, there's always a chance - but there is a 1 in 41 chance. It's a big gamble. You help sober me up and be real with myself. This isn't going to be a cake walk; I need to enjoy my time left in this city as much as possible.

Screw Winter... Match is coming.