How to support your husband

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Random thought - have you told him that you're praying for him? Have you asked him to pray with you about this? Has he asked for your support or do you just want to help (rightfully so)? Maybe just saying, "I know there is not much I can do, but I have been praying for you and this situation"...


Wife of a PGY-4 Orthopod

[weeniegeniewife]

How to support your husband

I forgot at most on this forum were residents...

Not true at all. 20 year attending here and there are lots of other attending wives as well.

My DH is also a surgeon, also a perfectionist, also loses sleep thinking about cases, etc. I get it. Like others have said, it sounds like your DH could use some counseling; he might be surprised at how much it can help.

Glad to see you back here. Post often, we'll try to help you through this. Hang in there!

[Deebs]

He needs to talk to others who have been through this, which is tricky. We know a doc (he has a column in EP Monthly called "White Coat") who went to law school after his first suit. If you can fine his posts about his suit, it might be helpful for your DH to read. My DH hasn't been sued yet, but it's inevitable.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[diggitydot]

Not true at all. 20 year attending here and there are lots of other attending wives as well.

Yeah, attendinghood here, too. There are a LOT of us at the post-training stage here.

Unfortunately, in medicine it's a matter of when a doc gets sued, not if. It sucks giant hairy donkey balls, but it's just part of the gig.

[spotty_dog]

Passing quickly...ha. We've been told this could take up to 5 years..

I was hoping that it was frivolous enough that it would be dropped, sometimes they will name everyone including the neighbor's dog hoping that something will stick. I'm sorry that it's likely to have some meat to it, so instead what I will wish is that it will affect your life and your husband's mental state minimally.

I forgot at most on this forum were residents...

Your issues are not different because of your stage of life. Everything you have struggled with is something that many of us have struggled with. You are not alone.

[MrsC]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. It is a tough situation all around. I agree that him talking to someone who has been through it may help. I think all you can do is try and take his mind off it and wait it out. I'm sure the initial period after him finding out about it will be the most stressful.

[spaz]

nt

[diggitydot]

You can't make someone not be stressed. Particularly, if they're hell bent on micromanaging the fuck out of everything and driving themselves (and everyone else) batshit crazy in the process. You don't control his behavior and can't really make him be someone he isn't -- and that's true whether your spouse is a med student, a resident, a fellow, or an attending.

Yes, life is different at each stage, but that doesn't mean other members who may be in different stages can't understand or have insights that you or your DH lack. It also doesn't mean that you're the only person here who's ever endured a lawsuit or a stressed out spouse. You might be surprised at the depth and breadth of our collective experiences. There's a reason why so many of us are still kicking around here, well after the shitfest of med school and training years ended.

[spaz]

nt

[mommax3]

We have been through this and will likely go through it again due to DH's specialty (OB/Gyn). It was a completely soul-sucking experience. DH is a pretty even-keeled guy, but it was a very hard time for him....he really struggled. And yes, it dragged on for *years*. It was the type of case where there was no way he could have done anything differently (extremely rare complication, no way to diagnose ahead of time, blah, blah, blah) but at the end of it all was a dead baby and a grieving family who wanted it to be someone's fault. I listened a lot, prayed a lot, tried to shield him from some of the stresses of daily life when he was tense about the case, but in the final analysis, I couldn't walk the road for him or even with him, at least in terms of feeling what he was feeling. I let him know I thought he was a good man and a good doctor and that nothing would make me respect him less or love him less, but ultimately, he had to go through it. The biggest thing that helped him was talking with another doctor in his specialty that had been through something similar. The commiseration that he got from that relationship and those conversations helped him see that his life and career would go on. I am glad that you have gotten help for yourself....I hope your husband will see that he needs to do the same, whether it is with a therapist or just in having conversations with a colleague. I wish you both well....check in often an let us know how you are doing.

[spotty_dog]

Being a 30 year old resident is a different place than a 50 year old surgeon.

Yes, but he is not you. You are a person who's been a SAHM for what, 12? 14 years? Who's searching for balance between her self, her husband's work, her family. Whose partner is no longer feeling fulfilled by the career that the family, that YOU, have sacrificed for. Who is proud to be in a secure financial situation, but not always sure if it is still necessary to be so strict or if your family can let your hair down a little. Who lives in a small town and feels like there is a Dawkter's Wife façade you have to present that interferes with your ability to really open up with other people.

These are aspects of the lifestyle that people can commiserate with. Even if someone's spouse just started post-training work this year, they might have been primary caregiving parents for many years and have teenagers and all that craziness. Even if someone's partner is in residency, they might have a partner who's second-guessing his path. Heck, even if someone is partnered with a medical student, their stresses and uncertainties might have reflections in your own.

Hang in there. I'm really glad you're feeling a little more stable in the past few weeks! I was worried about you!

[weeniegeniewife]

Grin...I'll have to get used to the language around here. My homeschooling boards don't use it, neither does anyone I know in real life. The only time I hear it is on the occasional pg 13 movie we rent.

I have no fucking clue what you're talking about.

[diggitydot]

I have no fucking clue what you're talking about.

[HouseofWool]

I have no fucking clue what you're talking about.

I flove you.

[spaz]

nt