Need a little good news..

[spaz]

Just a vent, but I am just so tired of stressful thing after stressful thing.. And not just recently, but over the whole career. From discovering that the office manager was stealing with his first partner, mistakes of accountants, patient outcomes that are not what you want them to be, etc. It feels like there is constantly something legitimately for him to worry about. It is stressful.... Over the past week it has been that they are asking for 3x the limit of his liability and then there is another stressful office issue that has come up in addition to this... I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of him coming home with more bad news and being more defeated. Yeah..it's the hap happiest time of the year.....

Ok, thanks for letting me vent. Now back to what is true: God loves us and has this all under control. We both love each other very much. We have great children who are doing well. We have a roof over our heads and enough to eat. Thank you so much God for your daily provision.

[Pollyanna]

hang in there

[medpedspouse]

Yes, hang in there and vent as much as you need. I am beginning to think that the best years in medicine were during training.

[diggitydot]

Ugh. I'm so sorry. What a crapfest.

On a tangent, I cannot get over how COMMON embezzling office managers are in the industry. It's baffling.

[v-girl]

Hugs!

[Ladybug]

Make yourself some good news. You have to find it in the here and now, not waiting, and I don't mean counting your blessings either. Make something fun, tangible and good happen in your life this week. Empower yourself.

[PrincessFiona]

I'm with Ladybug. It's so hard to appreciate what we have when times are tough...find a way to make these holidays memorable in a good way.

I'm so sorry for the stress you're feeling.

Kris

[MAPPLEBUM]

Make yourself some good news. You have to find it in the here and now, not waiting, and I don't mean counting your blessings either. Make something fun, tangible and good happen in your life this week. Empower yourself.

I like this. And I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

[spaz]

Grin not sure when I would do that. Running around getting ready to leave at 6am for the leadership training. I've gotten instructions written for mom, medical permission, house cleaned ,hostess gift bought,or about to cook dinner for tomorrow before I go led children's choir and onto praise team and adult choir. I'd skip but we are down to the wire for Christmas programs. Leave at 6am tomorrow . It will b e just the two of us, but neither of us has been sleeping. Hope we have good time. Off to cook. Talk to you next week.

Make yourself some good news. You have to find it in the here and now, not waiting, and I don't mean counting your blessings either. Make something fun, tangible and good happen in your life this week. Empower yourself.

[Curegirl]

I like what Ladybug said...don't have to be big things but just little things to revive you. Hugs, all around until then

[Ladybug]

I truly hope you have a great trip. The space should allow you some time for some intensive self-reflection. It's must be hard when life is such a whirl wind. I'm saying this from a place of love and personal experience, but I think you'd benefit tremendously from doing some reading on codependent personality types. There is a continuum, and you can be just a little codependent, constantly defining yourself by other's feelings and needs, and you "help" others excessively to try to control their impact on you since you've defined yourself completely by them. It's a veiled way of avoiding identifying and meeting your own difficult emotional needs. Codependent No More is a classic book and will give you the clarity to see the boundaries between yourself and others, and to healthfully meet your own needs and no longer be at the mercy of others. I'm pasting some information below.

Please time some time to think about this. You have the perfect opportunity this upcoming week to reflect on internal and external behavior patterns. In all your threads for help and support you shoot down every healthy suggestion offered with why you can't help yourself (too busy, too needed) or why you're a victim of your life's circumstances. You refuse to change your own internal landscape.

I hope you have a good week.


"When the codependent is drowning, someone else's life flashes before their eyes."
Author Unknown

Codependents have diffuse boundaries; that means it is difficult for them to tell the difference between their own needs and the needs of another person.

Co-dependents have low self-esteem. They have forgotten who they are, and believe their value lies outside of themselves. They are uncomfortable in their own skin. and look for things or people outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to be themselves. Either everyone is more important than they are, or they have to be more important than anyone else. Either way they are concerned with how others view them, and what others are doing instead of exploring their inner world of self. Many codependents take on caretaking roles. Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or food - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

Co-dependents are often kind people who have been taught ways to love that are not truly healthy. They believe that by giving too much of themselves they are loving more. They believe that they are being kind by allowing bad things to continue or by sublimating their own desires, needs and feelings.

Some examples: A young mother is so immersed in taking care of her family that she neglects her own health and drops into depression. A husband ignores his wife's verbal abuse of their children to keep the peace. A mother dotes on her son and denies his gang affiliation. A young woman puts up with insults and controlling behavior from from her boyfriend because she wants to be with a man. A wife covers up for her alcoholic husband so he doesn't lose his job. A father steps in to protect his son from consequences of poor behavior instead of teaching the son the proper way to act. A woman wants to prove that she is a good wife so she obsesses about her husband's every desire, making him the center of her universe, and then he becomes violent to push her away. A man stays in a job even though he knows it is not healthy for him, because he is too afraid to step into an authentic life.

A codependent may hide behind a person with power, in a job or in a marriage, hoping to gain secondary power for themselves without real self exploration.

The compulsion to be connected to anything but themselves encourages unhealthy behaviors in others as well. When things go poorly the codependent is so convinced of the rightness of their giving up of self that they believe this is the highest and only way to be. They will cling to this point of view to the point of destruction.. Being a victim is seen by the codependent not as being out of sync with life, but simply being unappreciated by others. This is a form of the martyr.

Ultimately, codependency is not about love, but about control. Control of one's inner feelings of helplessness and emptiness; control of others by appearing to be helpful and valuable. Even control by being a rigid tyrant is a form of codependency.

[houseelf]

+1 on the book recommendation.

beautiful post, Ladybug. I hope this doesn't offend the masses but I would bet that that book would be a good read for any number of spouses on here. It is a fine line between being supportive and codependent. Medicine definitely can alter boundaries of places where you never thought you would go.

[avaross09]

Keep your calm everything will be okay .

[LadyFoot]

I'm learning more and more how in medicine (and life) there's always one more thing to stress about. It sucks. I hear ya. We're all in this together. (Anyone else feel the urge to break out in a High School Musical dance? Just me? Yeah, ok.)

One thing DH and I have started doing is creating a "stress free zone" for a little while in the evenings. We set an alarm (if he's on call make sure the pager is nearby, etc), and then do our best to set aside everything that is stressing us out for 30 minutes or so (or 15, or 5! Whatever we can squeeze in). We talk about funny things that we've heard or seen lately (anything non-medicine related!), talk about fond memories from college, etc. It's been a challenge to mentally turn away from the stressors, but we're getting better. I think it's helped him a lot, and it's definitely helped me.

Saying a prayer for you and your hubby today, Spaz.

[spaz]

Well this past weekend was good news for several reasons. We had a great time the day before the conference since we got there a little early: went out to eat, went hiking and saw some Christmas lights. The conference was awesome. Most helpful was that my husband realized that the mission trips should be as much about disciple making as they are about surgery. Also good because they have a malpractice ministry and the mentioned it. Then my husband actually confided in one of the leaders who strongly suggested for him to call it, and will be checking that he does. This is the first person he has talked to about any of this. None of our friends and family know, so this was huge. He prayed with us and really helped my husband feel better. YEAH..

As far as the codependency thing,perhaps. But I have really been working on the self care- taking time out for a bubble bath or to have lunch with a friend. I have actually felt much better. I need to ask my therapist, however, what I do about feeling guilty. I will come back from choir and be so happy and excited and he will be down in the dumps. In some ways it make me mad, don't bring me down. I am enjoying being happy. Now he isn't going to take it away,but I don't want to make a situation worse. So, do I continue to bring in my overwhelming happy, spazzy mood, talkative, etc. It has been a great day!!! Or do I just say with a smile, "I've had a great day today. Sorry yours has been so crappy." and then listen to him and share a few nuggets of my happy day. Or do I just listen and commiserate.

I've told him before that I don't know when he gets down whether to try to cheer him up, give him kick in the rear and tell him to snap out of it, or just let him vent and tell him that it does stink. He says he doesn't know either.

Regardless, it isn't my job to fix his mood. On the other hand I don't want to be an insensitive clod. Prior to my little breakdown, 18 months ago one thing he told me is that he was going through hell and I only seemed to care about my friends and what was going on in their worlds and their problems. Then I think I went too much the other way and just focused on him, but that wasn't good for me. One reason I was/am so involved in other things is that I can fix them. I cannot fix what is going on inside of him, and he wouldn't take any of my suggestions about seeing someone or changing jobs or whatever, so what was the point. He has to move somehow.

That said, my little breakdown did make him aware that I had needs as well. We are certainly in a MUCH better place than we were 18 months ago.

Off to get the luncheon organized for my children' choir program next weekend. Thanks gals.