Why is asking for help so hard?

[spaz]

thank you

[spotty_dog]

When Ladybug mentioned codependency, I think maybe in one of your threads, and I started looking it up, it identified perfectly for me how I can fall into these unhealthy habits of putting my husband's needs SO far above my own. I too would have suffered in a LOT of pain rather than cause my poor husband extra trouble or disturb his limited sleep. I'm not Christian, but I do see my role as being a helpmeet of sorts. And as such, in order to see my position at home as being a valuable one, I tell myself I'm fulfilling an important purpose by taking as many hardships onto myself as I can bear. But it's just. not. healthy. We are in a marriage so that we can support each OTHER.

Anyway, this is something I'm still working on for myself. But for me I think a first step will be to pick up the books Ladybug mentioned and see where I can make some changes. I hope you also find a new way to relate to your husband and family in 2014! Good luck!

[diggitydot]

Oh, hon -- I'm so sorry!

[spaz]

thank you

[GreyhoundsRUs]

[Meenah]

There are a lot of similarities between workaholics and alcoholics!

[spaz]

but he isn't

thank you

[spotty_dog]

I bought the book coodependency no more. It was mainly about alocholics. Although I could identify with some of the feelings in there like always putting yourself last, the rest wasn't that helpful. Most of the end of it was about doing the 12 step program and joining groups like AA for support. My husband isn't addicted or mentally ill, he just has a demanding job....

Good to know, so maybe the book isn't a right fit here. But still, you have to see that your partner's attitudes are probably tied up together with the whole dynamic? You've made it your job to tend to his emotional state, and he probably looks to you to feel that way now, making him unafraid to dump on you -- say, when he is stressed out about his lawsuit, maybe he stomps around a bit and glowers and makes the atmosphere at home miserable? And it's all the more miserable because of the sense of guilt in the pit of your stomach making you feel like you should be able to DO something to help him?

Not everything here applies to me but a disturbing amount does: http://www.drirene.com/codepend1.htm

[spaz]

thank you

[Curegirl]

Hugs to you

I've always been seriously independent and honestly, prideful about asking for help. This past year I realized it came from my fear of being vulnerable and showing any weakness, even to those close to me. So I've let me guard down a lot and I've been vocal about my needs. It was really really hard at first but they said it was good...now I think they want me to shut up Trying to find the balance myself...

[spaz]

The list was good. I've marked what appies,but I still don't get how to fix it..

Care Taking

Codependents may,
1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
5. Anticipate other people's needs
8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
9. Try to please others instead of themselves.
10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
11. Feel safest when giving.

Low Self Worth

Codependents tend to:
1. Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
2. Deny their family was troubled, repressed or dysfunctional.
3. Blame themselves for everything.
4. Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
7. Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation)
8. Feel different from the rest of the world.
9. Think they're not quite good enough.
10. Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
11. Fear rejection.
15. Tell themselves they can't do anything right.
16. Be afraid of making mistakes.
18. Have a lot of "shoulds".

22. Try to help other people live their lives instead.
23. Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.

Obsession

Codependents tend to:
1. Feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
4. Lose sleep over problems
5. Worry

Controlling

Many codependents:
1. Have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
2. Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
3. Don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.

8. Feel controlled by events and people.

Denial

Codependents tend to:

3. Tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
4. Stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
5. Get confused

Dependency

Many codependents:
1. Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
2. Look for happiness outside themselves.
3. Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
4. Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness.
.
6. Don't love themselves.
8. Desperately seek love and approval.
13. Try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
15. Worry whether other people love or like them.

17. Center their lives around other people.

Poor Communication

Codependents frequently:

7. Don't say what they mean.
8. Don't mean what they say.
9. Don't know what they mean..
13. Ask for what they want and need indirectly --- sighing, for example.
14. Find it difficult to get to the point.
15. Aren't sure what the point is.
16. Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
17. Try to say what they think will please people.
21. Talk too much.
23. Avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
24. Say everything is their fault.
26. Believe their opinions don't matter.
27. Want to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions.
29. Have a difficult time asserting their rights.
30. Have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.
31. Think most of what they have to say is unimportant.
33. Apologize for bothering people.

Weak Boundaries

Lack of Trust

Codependents
1. Don't trust themselves.
2. Don't trust their feelings.

Anger

Many Codependents:
3. Are afraid of their own anger.
4. Are frightened of other people's anger.
5. Think people will go away if anger enters the picture.

Sex Problems
7. Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed
10. Don't talk about it.

Miscellaneous

Codependents tend to:
1. Be extremely responsible.
4. Find it difficult to feel close to people.
5. Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
6. Have an overall passive response to codependency -- crying, hurt, helplessness.

15. Not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.

[spaz]

thank you

[diggitydot]

Two other things that happened this week. I was talking to him about a problem with one of the children... After we finished discussing he said, " Boy if I wish all I had were your problems to worry about. I would be so happy if I could only have your problems.." I cried and he immediately apologized and said he shouldn't have said that... But that is partly why I don't share or haven't until this last year with therapy. I know that my problems are not nearly as important or don't deal with life and death... But I thought I was supposed to share them and he said I was later that he was in a bad mood and having a pity party.

The other thing was that we almost got in a fight when he wanted to deep clean the playroom. I didn't like it and he could tell and it ended up with me in tears. I feel like if he has to do things like that then that means I am a bad housekeeper. He said it wasn't anything like that that he just wanted to help and to do things like move the heavy furniture/bookcases so we could vacuum and dust underneath/behind them. But it just makes me feel like a failure.

These are two separate, but related issues.

First and foremost, it's not OK for him to poo-poo what's going on in your noggin. He needs to nip that shit in the bud, pronto. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. His comments were dismissive of you and your experience because not only are you dealing with his work crap, you're also probably dealing with 99.9% of the stuff happening in the home, too.

The second instance ties into the unintentionally dismissive comments. You internalized his help as implying that you were inadequate, when it sounds like that wasn't even in the zip code of what he meant.

You both mean well and obviously love each other, but are maybe not communicating as well as typical. Stress changes our behavior in weird ways.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this.

[spotty_dog]

Two other things that happened this week. I was talking to him about a problem with one of the children... After we finished discussing he said, " Boy if I wish all I had were your problems to worry about. I would be so happy if I could only have your problems.." I cried and he immediately apologized and said he shouldn't have said that... But that is partly why I don't share or haven't until this last year with therapy. I know that my problems are not nearly as important or don't deal with life and death... But I thought I was supposed to share them and he said I was later that he was in a bad mood and having a pity party.

The other thing was that we almost got in a fight when he wanted to deep clean the playroom. I didn't like it and he could tell and it ended up with me in tears. I feel like if he has to do things like that then that means I am a bad housekeeper. He said it wasn't anything like that that he just wanted to help and to do things like move the heavy furniture/bookcases so we could vacuum and dust underneath/behind them. But it just makes me feel like a failure.

Yep, yep, and yep. The items you highlighted from the codependency list are me all over. Me getting pissy and offended and even melting down into a shame spiral if he does needed housework is literally THE issue that has plagued our marriage for over a decade. And his attitudes of feeling put out by my negative feelings have perpetuated the cycle and become entrenched in our relationship.

I just found "The New Codependency" sitting front and center on the library shelf. I took it as a sign and checked it out. It is by the same author as the book you read, but published almost 30 years later. Hoping to find some good stuff...will let you know if I do.

[Ladybug]

Glad to see you back, although I'm sorry to hear about your acute medical issues. I hope you continue to recover and regain your health. My internal stress always manifests physically. Not fun.

I'm sorry the book missed the mark, but I'm glad you found some parallels. I know you're in the thick of it, but a helpful perspective shift is that our most painful and difficult stumbling blocks are also our places for greatest potential growth. You've already taken so many steps towards that growth. You're asking yourself questions, you're introspective and honest, you're reading, you're…seeking. God will meet you more than halfway. He's kinda funny that way.

I'm continuing to work through these same issues, and I hope I wasn't too blunt in my initial post. I'm always posting on the fly with a million little interruptions, and sometimes my genuine empathic connection gets lost in my desire to sound cohesive and pulled-together. I probably don't have the distance or perspective yet to really help someone. I can only scream "Fire! Run!" but recognizing the fire was a monumental first step for me. This has been a hard, drawn out (years) process for me. Old habits die hard, right?

Last summer at my DH's family reunion I was dealing with a particularly difficult, dysfunctional relative. Everyone avoided her, boundaries is not even in her vocabulary and yet she was so lonely and desperate to connect. While shaving my legs in preparation for Reunion Day #2, I was drilling myself in the importance of being available to her (even though she made me want to pull my hair out) at all times since no one else would talk to her. I didn't want her to feel left out or hurt. It's what Jesus would do.

Out of the blue this random, silly thought pop into my head:

"But what about your codependency on Me?"

I laughed so hard!! The irony! Being codependent on God!

A suddent, soul-stilling silence stopped me mid laugh. A silence and stillness I've rarely experience in my flighty-ADD-riddled mind. "Oh. You weren't kidding. Wow. I'm going to have to think about that." After a lot of reflection I realized that I felt if I didn't put her (insert whoever) first then God wouldn't love me (as much). I'm linking the article I read that night that I found helpful below. Codependency is something inside of us, like a flawed camera lens, that can distort anything outside of ourselves; God, motherhood, marriage, parenthood. These things are inherently good and healthy, but it's our lens, our accumulation of unhealthy coping skills, that distorts them in our own lives. I do honestly believe they are "Grow Here!" signs in our lives and journey.

http://www.nacr.org/wordpress/90/cod...-and-self-care

I think you're DH's response to your daily worries was belittling, and it would have cut my feelings too. It sounds like you expressed your daily stresses in a healthy way. A way that ultimately says this lawsuit is just one part of our lives, the rest is stronger and will go on. Can you make an agreement not to talk about it for 1 week and nurture other relationships and areas of your life? Maybe you're already doing this. You shouldn't feel the need to diminish your happiness after choirs practice, etc. That happiness is a gift from God to get you through these hard times. Hold onto them. Don't feel guilty or conflicted about them if your DH can't grab onto them. God wants you to experience peace even (especially) in difficult times. Of course it's sooooo much easier said than done!