Why is asking for help so hard?

[MAPPLEBUM]

Two other things that happened this week. I was talking to him about a problem with one of the children... After we finished discussing he said, " Boy if I wish all I had were your problems to worry about. I would be so happy if I could only have your problems.." I cried and he immediately apologized and said he shouldn't have said that... But that is partly why I don't share or haven't until this last year with therapy. I know that my problems are not nearly as important or don't deal with life and death... But I thought I was supposed to share them and he said I was later that he was in a bad mood and having a pity party.

My husband has this attitude too. This last week I've been really good at explaining it to myself that his life is so hard he can't even imagine I have problems too. I don't know about yours but DH also has a little bit of envy for how much more I'm able to be at home, be able to sleep in later than him, etc. That's why finding this site has been so good for me -- after being misunderstood by family and friends (who also think I have an amazingly easy life) it's hard to NOT start to think maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Also, on a little bit more of a lighter note after reading through that list all I can think is "isn't everyone like this??" maybe I'm so entrenched in codependency I can't see out but I can't think of anyone who doesn't have these kinds of qualities. I had therapists off and on throughout my entire childhood and have always thought those lists are a little bit like reading horoscopes.

Because we love our husbands and obviously don't want out I don't think there's really any SOLUTION. It's just a matter of making adjustments to our lives so that we are happy and fulfilled. IMO

[metroguy]

sounds like you need to some help--therapy and more detachment from husband's business/medical practice. there's always going to be crap--some worse than others. one way is not to think about it--the other is not to know. ideally, you can help take some of the burden off--but from the sounds of things, you are already carrying too much of a load. it also sounds like your husband reach his full load. sounds like he need some therapy himself.

[spotty_dog]

Also, on a little bit more of a lighter note after reading through that list all I can think is "isn't everyone like this??" maybe I'm so entrenched in codependency I can't see out but I can't think of anyone who doesn't have these kinds of qualities. I had therapists off and on throughout my entire childhood and have always thought those lists are a little bit like reading horoscopes.

"Many codependent behaviors--such as worrying or controlling--are what ordinary people do from time to time. But we get into trouble when these become behaviors we can't stop."

"Codependency is about crossing lines. How can we tell if what we're doing is codependent? When we cross the line into the Codependent Zone, we've usually got an ulterior motive for what we do, and what we're doing hurts. It doesn't work."

I've already overshared for a public forum, but yeah. IME codependency is very very uncomfortable, and looking forward to breaking out of the cycle is possibly even more uncomfortable. But I have hope. I've felt healthier in the past few weeks -- a friend called me on my behaviors and it was a serious reality check -- and I see myself making progress. And it feels good, to be honest.

"Solving problems and possessing endurance (two positive codependency traits) are second nature to people who have already been through so much. When we start taking care of ourselves, the deficits from our past transform into assets. Many people with codependency issues are loyal and dedicated. They get the job done. They obsess, but they also persevere. They want to help, and once they learn to help themselves, they usually do. Many become leaders, people who change our world."

[MAPPLEBUM]

"Codependency is about crossing lines. How can we tell if what we're doing is codependent? When we cross the line into the Codependent Zone, we've usually got an ulterior motive for what we do, and what we're doing hurts. It doesn't work."

"Solving problems and possessing endurance (two positive codependency traits) are second nature to people who have already been through so much. When we start taking care of ourselves, the deficits from our past transform into assets. Many people with codependency issues are loyal and dedicated. They get the job done. They obsess, but they also persevere. They want to help, and once they learn to help themselves, they usually do. Many become leaders, people who change our world."

These are really good, thanks for sharing. And that makes sense. I guess people begin to see it when they discover the unhappiness from actions and begin working backwards.