Preventing Med Spouse burnout

[Curegirl]

Therapy. Therapy helps me immensely. I practice yoga, pray, have time to myself, pretty much everything you're supposed to do but what helps me the most is hearing the perspective of a loving and kind person who isn't afraid to tell me the truth.

[SoonerTexan]

I'm with medpedspouse. I get very very unhappy when I feel like I'm doing it all and not getting any help. It makes all of the work I've done seem worthless and then I get bitter. When he makes an effort to contribute the burnout is less likely to happen.

[Urowife]

I'm with medpedspouse. I get very very unhappy when I feel like I'm doing it all and not getting any help. It makes all of the work I've done seem worthless and then I get bitter. When he makes an effort to contribute the burnout is less likely to happen.

Same here. I've been so lucky that our first years out of residency have been so easy. DH has time to help because his workload is light (Navy urology is generally not as busy).

But I'm keeping all this in mind for next year when he starts his first civilian job. Quite frankly, I'm getting a bit nervous about it, but we will manage.

[spaz]

Ok, let me preface this by saying that I am a work in progress.. I am still figuring out HOW to do some of this stuff. Also, this comes from a Christian Perspective. I'll list what I have gleaned and then summarize a couple of books.

1. You need to feel that you are unconditionally loved an valued all by yourself. For me that comes from God. You don't have to DO anything more to receive it and it won't go away if you screw up. For me, it means I take time with him every day. Today he encouraged me with Psalm 27 and told me not to be afraid no matter what the lawyers do that He is always with me.

2. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. I have SO much compared to so many others in the world. I don't have to worry about rain coming through my roof, or if the Taliban will prevent my daughter from going to school. Keep a notebook and three times a day write down what you are grateful for.

3. Make sure you have a support system ( I have FAILED at this.)- People that you can talk through your problems with.

4. Identify what your needs and wants are. Then figure out how to get them met. Example, when the kids were little I desperately needed time alone ...time to get my haircut, go Christmas shopping, take a nap. The Mother's Day Out program twice a week was my savior. Music is also a non-negotiable for me. I've been in choirs/ensembles/praise teams since elementary school. It is my outlet.

5. Communicate clearly and unemotionally to your husband what you need from him and how he can help. Work at being a team for YOUR goals and dreams, not just his. ( Failed at this one as well.)

I'm not sure I have time to post all the info from all the books I've read lately. Maybe later

[MAPPLEBUM]

It does not HAVE to be all on us. Wait, hear me out. I, too, did everything...DH's only responsibility was medicine. I thought I was being a good spouse by doing so. Fast forward to attendinghood, and I realize I created a monster of sorts. If I were to die, dude would be in trouble. I did not do him or me any favors. I could have saved myself a lot of anxiety, stress, etc. if WE had shared responsibilities equally. But the dawkter cannot because of their schedule you may say. I would argue that single med students and residents (attendings too - although they may hire help) are managing their finances, home repairs, errands - a few even single parenting (with the help of family/friends) etc. How I keep the burnout at bay (now, since I did not do a good job back then) is to ask DH for help. It does not come easily since habits are hard to break but I try to delegate with any new task or chore. I am also becoming comfortable with just sitting around doing nothing...or reading/doing something for me while there is stuff that needs to be done OR worse, DH is doing chores. We need to rest and recharge as much as the dawkters deserve to sleep post call, need downtime, etc. We are working just as hard. I wish someone had told me this way back when I was working full time, while going to grad school full time and managing everything in our household.

Weird that I've never considered just asking him to do something rather than pulling my martyr card ("woe is me, I do everything!...") could be a solution!

[WolfpackWife]

It does not HAVE to be all on us. Wait, hear me out. I, too, did everything...DH's only responsibility was medicine. I thought I was being a good spouse by doing so. Fast forward to attendinghood, and I realize I created a monster of sorts. If I were to die, dude would be in trouble. I did not do him or me any favors. I could have saved myself a lot of anxiety, stress, etc. if WE had shared responsibilities equally. But the dawkter cannot because of their schedule you may say. I would argue that single med students and residents (attendings too - although they may hire help) are managing their finances, home repairs, errands - a few even single parenting (with the help of family/friends) etc. How I keep the burnout at bay (now, since I did not do a good job back then) is to ask DH for help. It does not come easily since habits are hard to break but I try to delegate with any new task or chore. I am also becoming comfortable with just sitting around doing nothing...or reading/doing something for me while there is stuff that needs to be done OR worse, DH is doing chores. We need to rest and recharge as much as the dawkters deserve to sleep post call, need downtime, etc. We are working just as hard. I wish someone had told me this way back when I was working full time, while going to grad school full time and managing everything in our household.

*slow clap*


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[spaz]

About the taking time to do nothing and just playing. I struggle with feeling guilty. He is on call and I'm at home playing a game with the kids, going to a movie with them or taking a hot bath and having fun... He even admits that he is really jealous and feels like he works his tail off and we get to have all of the fun... He hates it and wishes he could just stay home with us!! He feels like he is just the money maker.

[Ladybug]

About the taking time to do nothing and just playing. I struggle with feeling guilty. He is on call and I'm at home playing a game with the kids, going to a movie with them or taking a hot bath and having fun... He even admits that he is really jealous and feels like he works his tail off and we get to have all of the fun... He hates it and wishes he could just stay home with us!! He feels like he is just the money maker.

DH is this way too. I no longer let it sabotage our (or my) joy, but I do try to tone it down when he asks what we did today. In the end he freely chose this career, and I've supported him to pursuing it and picked up a lot of the extra slack. My DH needs to learn to set professional and personal boundaries. He hasn't figured this out, but it's not my luggage to carry either. I've given it back to him, although I try to be sensitive in what I talk about.

[Deebs]

I don't know if I'm not currently burned out, in a massive state of denial, or in the midst of some life crisis, but I'm pretty much in YOLO mode right now, which is not at all like me. I guess I've given up on worrying about everything so much, and it is making me feel much less burned out.

DH has had a bunch of really bad cases this winter (just young people critically ill), I have a friend who had twins two weeks before her two year old was admitted to start chemo, another with a terminally ill three year old daughter, and know several who are still really being affected by our crappy economy. I like knowing that when he's away from us, he's treating people who really need him, not just drug seekers. Maybe it helps not to have to look to other parts of the world to find gratitude, but instead to realize how much we have compared to our literal neighbor. I've taken on a new attitude about not worrying as much that my kids become spoiled (which I may regret later, but my kids also have a lot of perspective), and I have realized that maybe my DH's desire to escape to Disney World is actually a stroke of genius and that I should just go along with it.

I think this may be the first time where DH and I have future goals that seem to be very closely aligned, so it feels like we're working toward the same things. I care less and less what others think of me. I don't worry about those who judge SAHMs, my messy house, my extra few pounds - they don't know my journey and aren't in my circle. Does this mean maybe I'm just becoming a grown up? I don't know.

I have a closing time. By 9:30pm, the first floor of my house is closed. No more laundry, dishes, or cleaning. I go to my room and read, surf the net, or watch TV. I guess that's "me" time, but I literally have to frame it as "downstairs is closed" for my own acceptance of the rule.

My other key to preventing burnout in the summer and over winter break? A good babysitter. I need a break from my kids, and they need a break from me. I do errands without them, or sometimes just wait until she gets here to take an uninterrupted shower and put on makeup.

[Vanquisher]

I'm constantly teetering on the edge of burn out to full-on in it. I certainly haven't figured it out.

[spaz]

DH is this way too. I no longer let it sabotage our (or my) joy, but I do try to tone it down when he asks what we did today. In the end he freely chose this career, and I've supported him to pursuing it and picked up a lot of the extra slack. My DH needs to learn to set professional and personal boundaries. He hasn't figured this out, but it's not my luggage to carry either. I've given it back to him, although I try to be sensitive in what I talk about.

Grin..we are in the same place. That is the conclusion my therapist got me to as well... EXACTLY... I keep repeating.. It isn't my job to fix him.

[peggyfromwastate]

Deebs I like the advice of a closing time. A few months ago I gave myself permission to just do photos and blog stuff (not entirely fun--- but it helps me to feel like I'm accomplishing something tangible in the week) for one morning a week. I got away from that over the holidays.

My dh also does the whole "I'm missing out on everything but SOMEONE has to work" routine. Ok. It used to bother be, but eventually I told him that the kids and I just couldn't wait for him to be available to do stuff. It just wasn't feasible.

Something simple I've started trying to do is to go shopping later in the day so I have help unloading the car. Kid help or dh help-- anything is good.

Something that has not worked is me trying to let dh handle more of the disciplining. He's not good at it. He is impatient, quick to yell, has impossible expectations, constantly says "when I was a kid I never did XYZ..."... He's been home more this past year (he's on a medicine fellowship which is definitely more predictable than surgery as far as hours go) and so he's tried to discipline. The kids no longer see him as the easy-going and fun parent... I feel like I'm having to trouble shoot for their relationships on top of deal with the actual bad behaviors. This last weekend there was a big fight while I was gone. I came home to chaos/-- dh yelling, ds9 crying, dd5 crying... And I had to take care of something else urgently for dd18 who was about to fly out of the country. I was able to settle the whole situation down in about 2 min, get ds9 to wait for me in his room so I could talk to him about what's going on, and send dh out on a run with the dog so he could cool it. It's just sad to know that this most stressful aspect of parenting will most likely always fall to me. Dh pours fuel on a fire, and I just can't get him to stop and think before he reacts.

So I dont know. I guess I should take more me time----- but it always comes at the expense of something else.

[Urowife]

So I dont know. I guess I should take more me time----- but it always comes at the expense of something else.

That is so hard, hugs!

[migirl]

He is impatient, quick to yell, has impossible expectations, constantly says "when I was a kid I never did XYZ..."... I feel like I'm having to trouble shoot for their relationships on top of deal with the actual bad behaviors. ... Dh pours fuel on a fire, and I just can't get him to stop and think before he reacts.

I think this is probably way off-topic, so I just wanted to say that I could have written this exact post (and I mean *exact*!) and it is so super-frustrating. I get it. Big hugs and sympathy from me, I know how hard it is.

[peggyfromwastate]

Yeah I tend to drift when I write stuff--- especially from my phone!!! Oh well. I'm sorry your husband struggles with this too--- I bet it's pretty common but it does just weigh so heavily!!!

I think it's really healthy how so many members here do allow themselves me time--- I need to figure out how to do that. Survivor mode is just not very fun!!