What do you know now that you wish you knew then?

[DrBandMe]

It's no secret that living the life of a medical professional's significant other isn't always the easiest, but somehow tons of us make it work daily. Looking back, what's something you know now that you wish you would have known then? Maybe it was before medical school or before your SO even decided this was the way they wanted to go professionally. Or maybe it is something with residency, fellowship, or with the ultimate "job". Spill it... what's something you know now that you wish you knew then?

Something I know now that I wish I had know then is to keep my mouth shut more often.

Not everyone needed to know what profession DrBtobe was working toward. Less IS more often times. Too many times people have ended up expecting more from us (or me specifically) because of my relationship with a doctor. (higher tips, medical advice, donations, etc)

Less is more when explaining the match. Explaining it is pointless. People don't really care and they just get confused and ask a million questions. I'm burnt out from talking about it. "We'll know more on x date" is really enough of an answer.

Less is more when answering people's ridiculous comments like "oh, he's a doctor - so THAT'S why you're marrying him" or "well, I guess you're set for life." I don't owe anyone an explanation about my decision to marry DrBtobe. I don't owe anyone the time of day when they make ignorant comments to me about my finances or lifestyle.

[diggitydot]

Shit I wish I knew before the medical crapfest:

- Everything will cost more than you think.

- There's a lot more that will cost you money than you think.

Most of the other shit I was already aware of because I grew up around medical peeps.

[WolfpackWife]

I think as a whole, I was grossly underprepared for the realities of medical school and a medical lifestyle in general. I was wholeheartedly behind my DH's aspirations and cheered him through two applications cycles, MCAT studying, interviews, job changes, and volunteer EMT shifts. I knew it would be a long road, I knew we'd be stretched for cash. I knew we'd watch our friends buy homes and cars and have babies while everything we did would come down to timing and resources - all at the mercy of his career.

I wasn't prepared for just *how* expensive it would be, how in debt we'd become. I never considered the idea that we may potentially have to move. Multiple times. Like, one move per stage: med school, residency, fellowship, attending. I did not consider market saturation and lack of jobs. I did not consider it a possibility that I wouldn't be able to return home. I wasn't prepared for how much it would take him away from me, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I happily skipped along pre-med school thinking "yeah, it will be hard. But we're us. Not that much can change because we are us and no one else has that". Yeah, feel free to laugh.

There's so much more, but on the whole I was blissfully unaware of the struggles, pressure, unknowns, and responsibilities that would fall solely to me. I was unaware of how much sacrifice would be involved for both of us, but most especially how many sacrifices I would have to make. I was unprepared for how much I may potentially have to reconcile my previous "life dream" in order to have a life with the man I want to be with. I was unprepared for how much I'd always be at the mercy of his schedule, his career, his job opportunities. I happily clung to the "my BF/finace/husband wants to/is going to be a doctor" idea and knew it would be hard, but it couldn't be that hard!!

Right around the time all of these negatives were bearing down on me and I felt I might break, I found iMSN, and it's been a life saver!

[Thirteen]

"Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape."
Many things that I predetermined as my "we will never's" or "this will be the cross I die on" were, in hindsight, not worth it and additionally caused much marital strife.

I am enjoying my marriage a lot more now, but it's not simply because he's an attending. I enjoy it more because at the end of the day, there just isn't much sense in making everything a point of contention.


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[Vanquisher]

I wish I knew it all. Our lives would probably look a lot different.

[Urowife]

I wish I'd known that the military could break 3 year orders and PCS you after only 2 years. We went into military payback thinking whatever location we got, we'd be there for the whole 4 years of payback. So, it was a shock when they broke our orders and moved us (away from sunny California!!!) after 2 years. That was not in our 5 year plan! LOL!

[mommax3]

I wish I had known a lot of things about the military, or more accurately, I wish I had known NOT to do HPSP. Although I loved living in San Antonio, met great people along the way, and DH received excellent training, based on our experiences, we wouldn't do it again.

[Urowife]

I wish I had known a lot of things about the military, or more accurately, I wish I had known NOT to do HPSP. Although I loved living in San Antonio, met great people along the way, and DH received excellent training, based on our experiences, we wouldn't do it again.

You know, I thought I'd feel the same way. And, definitely with all the uncertainties there are in the military, I would not recommend it highly to someone else unless they really want to serve. But, I have to say we were very lucky with our experience. My DH got a full deferment to do a civilian residency, and he was never deployed (aside from a month-long stint in Guam). And, he's had a very good work/life balance during his payback years, which has been great for me especially during these years with very young kids. He also came away with very little student debt, so we don't have much to complain about. (Other than missing out on two years in So Cal!!!) But, I definitely recognize that our experience is about as good as it gets in the military, that's for sure!

[MAPPLEBUM]

I love this thread!

I'm obviously in a good place. All I can think is I wish I'd known how much it would turn me into a better person. I would have fought him less.

[medpedspouse]

That if my spouse really wanted to make a contribution in healthcare and take care of people, he should have gone into healthcare administration instead. It troubles me when the admins point of view is not always in the best interest of patients. Plus, their positions required less education and their salaries are way higher.

[Curegirl]

I wish I'd known what a physical and emotional toll training takes on them. My friends always hid how hard it was from us when they were in training so it's been quite an adjustment being the committed partner of a resident. But out of this came greater patience and a deeper understanding.

[Ladybug]

Do not live beyond your means during training. I repeat. Do not accrue consumer debt. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, especially with all the changes occuring in health care and insurance reimbursments.

If at all possible move to state without a state income tax. It's an automatic, huge raise.

Explore your own interest and talents. Don't let them get lost in the medical spouse's career or your children. This is a much bigger challenge than you can ever imagine. Still, do it!

National medicine and local medical staffs inhibit a small world. Never get involved in gossip, and there's a loooot of it. It's always strategic to stay silent. Like, always alwyas.

[MAPPLEBUM]

National medicine and local medical staffs inhibit a small world. Never get involved in gossip, and there's a loooot of it. It's always strategic to stay silent. Like, always alwyas.

please expound!

[Ladybug]

please expound!

But that would go against everything I just advised you! LOL!

[ladymoreta]

I would tell myself not to worry so much. Everything will be okay, even if it isn't the way I planned it. I worried a lot, but about all the wrong things. The things I thought would ruin my life didn't happen, and the bad things that have happened are things I couldn't have imagined.