Vent: DH is moving 3 hrs away

[sortacrunchy]

DH is a practicing pathologist and is going back into training next year (academic year 2015-2016) for fellowship training. He has a fantastic opportunity to train under a famous physician in a really great program. The problem is, the program is 3.5 hours away, and he and I have decided that it's best for the kids and me to stay in our current home while he lives in a little rented place near the new hospital for the year. When he leaves, our children will be 6 and 2, and I will be utterly alone. We have friends here, but our nearest *real* support network, our families, are a 5 hour plane ride away. He's not even leaving for a year, but already this is really bothering me!

We have several reasons for deciding to live apart for one year:

• DH is a gunner. (The man is a *pathologist* who doesn't get home until after 7 on an average night.) On top of that, he has already said that he "doesn't want to waste one moment" of his fellowship. In other words, he's going to work crazy long hours and not take any vacation for the year. I don't want to be stuck in an unfamiliar city in a small rented house or apartment all by myself with the kids and not get to see DH much, anyway.
• We have a house here that I really like. We bought this house 6 years ago and have spent nearly all that time making little changes that I love. I don't feel ready to choose to sell this place and move to a temporary rental.
• The kids and I have friends and homeschool support here. Since the fellowship is only 1 year, I think that by the time we made any close friendships in the new place, it would be time to pack back up and leave! And then there would be the challenges of trying to pick up where we left off with our friends and groups here. It seems better to stick around and not interrupt those friendships that we've been nurturing.
• It's just a PITA to pack everything, move for a short period or time, pack again, and return to the same city we're in now. Plus, we would either have to rent our current house for the year or sell it and find a new place when we return (and depending on what's available at the time, we might need to rent a place in our current city while looking for another home to buy). Plus, we still wouldn't be able to sell the house for what we paid for it.
• I think, though I'm totally NOT sure, that it will be less traumatic for the kids to see DH less frequently than to have to uproot and move. At least at home we will have lots of other familiar faces around, and fact is, they don't often seem him all that much now. (Please don't misunderstand me. DH is a great dad and does what he can--the kids WILL miss him-- but he gets home weeknights just in time for the kids' baths and bed, if that.)

So all things considered, I feel like staying here while DH goes off for training makes the most sense and would be the most comfortable for the kids and me. The plan is for us to go back and forth to DH's place, and he might come home most weekends when the kids and I are here. Still, this is a really big decision, and I think there's the potential for it to be a REALLY long year for us! I also feel stuck; either I'm stuck most of the time caring for the kids and living here on my own or we uproot the kids and move 2 or 3 times in one year. Neither option seems like a very good deal.

And then-- I've tried, and I just can't help it-- I'm irritated with DH for putting us in this position. He has perfectly good reasons for taking this fellowship (it's a great training program, he'll get to focus on what he really loves doing, it'll open doors for future jobs or even just for staying where he is now, etc) but it's hard for me to have that long view right now. From where I'm sitting, we have a VERY long year ahead of us, he's choosing to leave a perfectly good job that he likes, and he's choosing to live apart from his family for a significant period of time just for... work. (Plus, you know, I've already held down the fort for so.much.training. We began dating in college, so I've been there every step of the way from studying for the MCAT all the way through a cross-country move and residency. I don't want to deal with more damn training!) Even as I say this, I know that I might appreciate his training in the future when, say, we have more of a voice in where we get to live, or the extra money, or he's happier at work and keeps better hours, or whatever. Sigh.

Anyone care to talk me down or offer some words of wisdom? And WWYD in this situation, choose to live apart from DH most of the time or pick up and move to be with him? TIA!

[scrub-jay]

Welcome! You've come to the right place. It sounds like your decision is reasonable, but hard. ((Hugs)) We get it around these parts.

[Meenah]

Welcome, you have every right to feel frustrated. Hop over to the into forums and introduce yourself. You will find a lot of support here, we know what you are going through. We have quite a few members who have done the long distance thing.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Welcome! You'll find a wide variety of experiences and perspective here. Stick around and post often. We are going to be in fellowship at the same time (and also for 1 year). There honestly was never a conversation about the family not moving with him. It would not be functional for our family dynamic. There are families who do it, though. Good luck!

[Vanquisher]

Hugs. We lived apart for fellowship. It was awful. I don't recommend it if you can help it. We were 9 hours apart.

You've found a great support network here. Post often and commiserate.

What are your job plans after fellowship?

Since you homeschool, and it is only 3 hours, I think you'll have some room to be flexible. Hugs, and remember that family gets to trump medicine from time to time.

[sortacrunchy]

There honestly was never a conversation about the family not moving with him. It would not be functional for our family dynamic. There are families who do it, though. Good luck!

I totally get that. I know several families right now who are in the same boat, and nearly all of them are choosing to move with their doc for fellowship. Then again, there are lots of families from DH's department who have done/are doing the long distance thing. In those cases, though, the families stayed behind so that their kids could continue in their same schools. Being a homeschooling family, that's not a consideration for us, and I don't know any other homeschoolers who have made this choice.

Going into fellowship interviews, DH and I decided that we would definitely move with him if (A) he accepted a fellowship so far from home that we would hardly ever get to see him or (B) we knew that we were not going to come back to this same place after fellowship. This particular program fell into a bit of a gray area, though, and I guess we're still working out the details. Moving for this program seems like a big, unnecessary(?) hassle. Not that staying here is going to be difficulty-free!

And that's something else I'm really conflicted about. If I feel that DH has messed up priorities for choosing work over our family, then I suppose I have to admit that *my* priorities are screwy because I'm choosing this house/comfort/not uprooting us over being with him. Then again, I asked DH if he would like us to come with him, and he expressed that, although he would like to have us around, we would probably prove to be a distraction to his studies...

[sortacrunchy]

What are your job plans after fellowship?

It is HIGHLY likely that DH will be sent back here after fellowship. (He's military, so not really his choice, although this is one of only 2 places that his subspecialty practices, and the other place is full.) Once he returns here, he's likely going to be here for the duration of his military career. If all goes well, he's considering staying in and retiring from the military.

[diggitydot]

Welcome to the group. You'll find that we have people who've done long distance, are military, homeschoolers, pissed about job coming before fam, etc.

You're in good company around these parts. We get it.

[MrsK]

I don't have anything to add to what has been said but welcome. We understand. You're in the right place.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk 4

[sortacrunchy]

Since you homeschool, and it is only 3 hours, I think you'll have some room to be flexible.

Yeah, definitely. In my calmer moments, I tell myself that: We can have the best of both worlds! We can keep the house! And we can have fun exploring a cool new city! Although we will need to be back at the old house on a regular basis to get the mail, tend the gardens, ensure all is well, etc, we do plan to spend a considerable amount of time with DH in the new place, and we can always retreat back home if he needs to work/study particularly hard, we miss our friends, we're feeling cramped in the rented place, we want to have some family come to visit, or whatever. Obviously, though, I'm still not totally at peace with the whole idea. So much is still up in the air until we find suitable housing there (convenient to the hospital, affordable, and allows pets), and I really have no idea what the rental market is in this new place.

[ladymoreta]

FWIW, I think it sounds like you're making the right decision. It will no doubt be a hard year, and I think your marriage will need some recovery time after it's over, but if you guys have a strong base, you can get back to where you are and maybe even be better for having gone through this together. I'm hoping for the best for you, and come here for support whenever you need it.

[Curegirl]

Ditto to what everyone else said and welcome! We're long distance and it sucks but a year is totally doable. Post often!

[GrayMatterWife]

Anyone care to talk me down or offer some words of wisdom? And WWYD in this situation, choose to live apart from DH most of the time or pick up and move to be with him? TIA!

We lived apart for a year while DH moved for a really great fellowship opportunity. We sound a lot like you: DH is a total gunner. We had three kids at the time (now have four). I homeschool one of them now, but back then, they were all in school/nursery care (although I withdrew the girls from full-time daycare and worked from home and kept them with me on Mondays and Fridays, to save money). We also did not have any family close by.

It was not nearly as big of a deal as it sounds. It's finite. And a lot of it is just having a positive attitude. We had a weirdly bad year in terms of health--I contracted viral meningitis six weeks after DH moved and was hospitalized for a couple of days while DH was an a job interview (friends took the kids overnight, then my mom flew in). Then, about 8 months later, DD#2 contracted sepsis in the blood and had to be in the PICU. DH flew back for a long weekend. Oh, and then we got a brown recluse infestation and DD#1 got bit--badly. On top of that, my trial schedule was a total zoo and we sold our house and moved into a super-dumpy temporary place.

But we survived and, really, it wasn't too bad. I was busy and tired a lot, but it wasn't overwhelming. Just be financially prepared--two overheads is a lot to carry.

Good luck!

[Phoebe]

I totally get what you are saying. We are in your situation right now. For the past 6 months, my DH has been living 4 hours away for his new job. I stayed behind in our current location so my kids could finish the school year for many reasons. We have 4 kids ages 12 to 2. I don't have anything input on homeschooling. I can say that it has sucked and we would not choose to be separated again. We have 4 weeks to go. My husband gets tired of driving home. it is hard for us to visit him while living in a 1 bedroom apartment and the kids having activities on the weekends. I can understand your resentment about being seen as a distraction.

[GrayMatterWife]

. . . it is hard for us to visit him while living in a 1 bedroom apartment . . .

Oh! I have funny story about that!

So, we DH was living in ATL for fellowship and we were still in STL, he lived in thisTINY, DUMPY garage apartment. It was--250 sq. ft. A closet. And he had no A/C (semi-functional window unit), no TV, no radio… NO FURNITURE except a bed and a card table and card table chair. It was infested with cockroaches, no matter how hard he tried to keep them out. The shower was marginal. and the bathroom area was so small that you really couldn't stand at the sink…you sat on the toilet to look into the mirror over the sink.

So…anyway…


The kids and I came in town one weekend to visit. Two nights, we were super-fortunate: a colleague of DH was out of town, and he let us stay in his home those nights. THe third night, we had no free housing and money was tight…we decided that we could all just cram into DH's apartment. It was….crowded. There literally was not enough room on the floor to spread out the borrowed sleeping bags. Two of the kids slept with us in DH's sagging, old double bed.

It made a big impression on the kids. The sparseness of his room, the fact there was nothing to do or to eat there…I guess it really stuck with them.

Well, a couple of months later, DH accepted an attending position at the same institution where he was doing fellowship. I went to tell the kids. I told them that I had big, exciting news, and that Dad got his "big job" and that we'd be moving to…Atlanta.

Marie, who was almost four, was so excited that she could barely contain herself. She beamed a HUGE smile, clapped her hands, and her whole face lit up. Her reaction got funny… (Bear in mind, DH at that point had lived in ATL without us for a quarter of her life…she had forgotten that Dad used to lived WITH us…)

"YAYAYAYAY!!!! So…. WE ARE GOING TO LIVE IN NEAR DADDY!!! CAN WE GET A HOUSE NEAR HIS?!?!?!"

I laughed and smiled and said, "EVEN BETTER, MARIE! We are all going to live TOGETHER! Isn't that GREAT?!"

Suddenly, her entire expression fell. She went from ecstasy to this look of dire panic. Her eyes welled with tears and her voice quivered.

She said, "BUT DADDY'S HOUSE IS TOO SMALL! I will have to sleep on the floor and there will no room for my crayons!"

She sank to the floor, sobbing into the carpet. She wasn't throwing a temper tantrum. She was genuinely devastated. It never occurred to her that DADDY would move into a house with us.