Public Rant/vent thread

[DrBandMe]

WPW, aren't you *really* super hoping to match in North Carolina? Cause, if you are, he is going to need those amazing supper rock star awesome scores and evals. It isn't an easy state to match into from what I understand. So maybe this is what needs to be done to ultimately end up in a more desirable locale for residency.

Do you have something you love like he does medicine? It reads as though everything he does has a massive impact into your overall happiness and that concerns me. Do you have things that make you happy outside of anything he is doing? I don't want to sound like a bitch, this comes from a place of concern. You seem down a lot lately.

[SoonerTexan]

Do you have things that make you happy outside of anything he is doing? I don't want to sound like a bitch, this comes from a place of concern. You seem down a lot lately.

Goodness this sounds awful and I totally am not advocating having kids just for this reason, but I have to say, they do take the sting away. And I think they keep my DH family focused more than he might be otherwise.

Again, not a solution, just an observation. They also bring other complications

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

^^I'm not sure I agree. They keep me busier but I'm sadder that he's not home spending time with them. When he texts me for the third time this week that he will not make bedtime (there's only been 3 nights this week), I'm NOT enjoying this.

[WolfpackWife]

Trust me, I've thought about that. But so much of what T&S said is exactly what bugs me the most. And I'm not and never have been someone who's 100% sure they want to even have kids so I know for sure that I'm likely not cut out to be a single parent (pretty much). In fact our family planning currently rides on where he matches. That's just the truth. If it's further away from family, we probably won't have kids at all. I don't want to waste my 30s waiting and waiting so...anyway.

I do have things I like outside of him. And honestly, I left almost all of them behind to move here. I'm being overly bleak, yes, and if you look back there have actually been a lot of positives that I've shared lately, but slogging and bitching through the dark times is part of what iMSN is for, right?

[MrsC]

Trust me, I've thought about that. But so much of what T&S said is exactly what bugs me the most. And I'm not and never have been someone who's 100% sure they want to even have kids so I know for sure that I'm likely not cut out to be a single parent (pretty much). In fact our family planning currently rides on where he matches. That's just the truth. If it's further away from family, we probably won't have kids at all. I don't want to waste my 30s waiting and waiting so...anyway.

I do have things I like outside of him. And honestly, I left almost all of them behind to move here. I'm being overly bleak, yes, and if you look back there have actually been a lot of positives that I've shared lately, but slogging and bitching through the dark times is part of what iMSN is for, right?

Absolutely, that's what we're here for! I'm the type of person who doesn't say much when times are good but need to vent if they're not. I'm sure it comes across as a bit gloomy.
If you're not 100% sure about kids, you're right, hold off until your relationship is where you want it to be.

[OrionGrad]

^^I'm not sure I agree. They keep me busier but I'm sadder that he's not home spending time with them. When he texts me for the third time this week that he will not make bedtime (there's only been 3 nights this week), I'm NOT enjoying this.

This is me, too.

One thing that always helped me cope in med school was to remember that he was doing this for us -- as in, he was studying to get great board scores and working hard to get great evals so he could match somewhere we were both excited to be. And it worked! We got our #1 place for residency in a very tough specialty, and all in all I have been much happier here than I was in med school. Thinking of yourselves more as a team might help take away some of the sting.

[MAPPLEBUM]

It look me so stupidly long to get back from teaching in the suburbs today that I stopped in another suburb to go freaking grocery shopping hoping the traffic would subside. A trip that can take 25 minutes took the better part of 2 hours. And this is my normal commute.

[Curegirl]

I also tend to vent more and stay quiet during good times, so right there with you guys. Like I said before, it's not possible to show all the nuances of a relationship to anyone, especially on an online forum. Chin up WPW, there will be good times ahead and some not so good ones, but you have each other through both. I know it doesn't feel that way when you're in the trenches, but it's a huge blessing

[rain_dancer]

So far, rotations are turning out to be what I'm SURE I can expect residency to be like at least a little bit in terms of time commitment and my husband totally checking out of our relationship/never hearing from him/him being totally and completely preoccupied when he's home...and guess what? I hate it. I am not happy. At all.

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now WPW! Transitions in med training are always hard, and the transition to clinical, semi-residency schedule from what up until now has essentially been school is no exception. And I disagree that your feelings have anything to do with your lack of interest in things/life outside of your DH. After all, you married him, which I assume is because you like him and enjoy spending time with him, and now it sucks that he's not around much and isn't really "present" when he is around. Totally normal for anyone in your position to feel that way, regardless of what they're "interested" in.

Have you talked to your DH about how you feel? While medical training can become all-consuming, it sounds like he needs to find a balance between that all-consuming-ness and spending some time with you. He's probably trying to find that balance, but also feels overwhelmed by the new change in schedule. Do you guys have any rituals, like a weekly "date night"? Dinner together? My DH and I try to do this (dinner together is, unfortunately, rarely possible though), and it helps. I also told my DH that, while I know we won't have a great quantity of time during residency, I do expect the time we are spending together to be quality.

As others have mentioned, remember at the end of the day that you're on the same team, putting hard work in on the front side to have the life you want later. And never underestimate your own power in the role as a medical spouse - your love, support, management of all of life's daily tasks that you take care of bc he doesn't have the time - that is all a crucial part of the team effort, and I guarantee that DH appreciates it. Hang in there!

[HouseofWool]

Remember too that the first couple of months of MS3 are really hard because he is learning how to balance everything in clinicals. It is a major mindset change and they need to learn all sorts of new time-management skills along with the actual medicine they are learning. Then, it is like starting over every time they to to a new rotation or facility. (Sorry, but there is a kernel of truth in it.)

That said, in a few months it will get better as he is more comfortable with his skills. And 4th year is much better because there are more electives. It will get better.

[WolfpackWife]

Thanks guys...I'm being overly sensitive these past few days (my cyclical bleakness!). I appreciate the support and words of wisdom/advice. It's nice to know people can relate. We talked about it last night and you're right - he expressed that he's trying to find a balance because this is a whole new beast of time management and there are different expectations. Coupled with the fact that we just came off several weeks of a break/vacation, it's hard to swallow this immediate zero-to-60 schedule change. It's hard because my favorite thing to do in my free time is spend time with him - I freely admit that and don't apologize for it - and I'm not super independent and it's hard to change that pattern after 8 years, but I'm trying! Just because I'm sad I can't spend more time/feel disconnected from him doesn't mean I can't or don't find joy in life otherwise. It just sucks...I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Thanks guys...I'm being overly sensitive these past few days (my cyclical bleakness!). I appreciate the support and words of wisdom/advice. We talked about it last night and you're right - he expressed that he's trying to find a balance because this is a whole new beast of time management and there are different expectations. Coupled with the fact that we just came off several weeks of a break/vacation, it's hard to swallow this immediate zero-to-60 schedule change.

That totally makes sense. There are some real bright points to rotations though! DH is in surgery right now, which means some long, long hours, but guess what--today is a clinic day and unless they get some last minute patients he will be done by 2! Then guess who is cleaning the whole apartment so we can have friends over this weekend? Hehehe...

I know it is tough at the beginning. He will have some easier rotations though, and even though his free time will be irregular, it will exist. Hang in there. Have you found any new activities to fill your time now that you're done with your masters? (I say as I long for some unscheduled, uninterrupted couch time of my own...)

[WolfpackWife]

My last half of summer/ fall is actually pretty awesome (another reason I know I'm just being overly emotional/sensitive): my cousin is coming this weekend, I'm starting a yoga class at the beginning of August, over labor day I'm going to San Francisco and Napa, my parents are coming to visit in mid-Sept, in October I'm going to see David Sedaris and PAUL MCCARTNEY HOLY SHIT, and then in mid-Oct DH starts a 2 month research rotation which will be MUCH less time consuming so that's something...and then my friend gets married in November, and then it's the holidays. Plus he'll have three full "off" weekends after shelf exams/before the start of new rotations between now and mid-Oct during which we plan to hit Busch Gardens, NC, Charlottesville, and DC.

[MrsSz]

And 4th year is much better because there are more electives. It will get better.

I keep hearing about this magical time and can't wait for residency apps to be in, interviews to be done, research rotations and having the little man here... WPW.. I say to myself often.. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

[SoonerTexan]

It was really a lovely time, even with a newborb