Military to Medical Relationships

[poky]

No worries at all about ranting; this is what we're here for!

My "cut her some slack" comment was more about this being her very first month of residency. Nobody's saying it's going to be this hard for all four years, or that medicine should take priority over family *all* the time, or that she should get a blank check pass ("medicine is NOT a pass to be an ass" is one of our mottoes, here) ...but the first little while can be extra-rough, so I wouldn't be too quick to question her priorities just yet. She needs time to figure out how things work where she is, and to figure out how much she can rock the boat without causing bigger problems. You may be running your "goodwill bank" low, but she doesn't even HAVE one, yet, and needs to build it up....and she's probably overwhelmed and sleep-deprived on top of everything else.

It's rough, and it's going to be particularly difficult with two inflexible, demanding careers, but respect and open communication will take you a long way.

[diggitydot]

Military to Medical Relationships

I just don't subscribe to the notion that any job, medical, military, or otherwise, can ever take top billing over family all the time.

While I agree that careers shouldn't take top billing ALL the time, both your career and hers are pretty heavy on the time commitment involved. (While we're not a military family, my cousin is a Marine Corps pilot currently assigned to Marine One. I have a smidge of an idea of your time issues from talking with my cousin and his wife over the years.) You both will probably have to get creative with showing each other how much the other person is on your mind and in your heart without actually being able to do what you'd like to do to show them. It's not ideal, but it's totally workable.

Honestly, like all relationships, you'll both need to manage your expectations. Where time is concerned, I prefer to expect the worst and hope for the best. If the worst case scenario happens, I'm ready. If things fall into place, I'm pleasantly surprised.

We get it. I promise. We're a diverse group and have peeps from all walks of life. The one common denominator is that medicine is frequently an asshole who like to toss monkey wrenches around in our well-laid plans. We come here to bitch when shit goes sideways and when we need to celebrate the successes that no one else will understand.

We've got your back.

[scrub-jay]

Welcome!

[Flynn]

Can you idenitify one small sacrifice that she can make and work towards that in good faith (eating take out at the hospital together for the three of you)?

This is excellent advice! Can you start here?

Depending on the residency, realistically she won't be able to put her family (or you) first very often and when she can it might be last minute. It's a culture that just doesn't allow it. I know how wacky that sounds but it's the truth. Planning ahead is nice but not always possible depending on the rotation she is currently in.

[spaz]

This is excellent advice! Can you start here?

Depending on the residency, realistically she won't be able to put her family (or you) first very often and when she can it might be last minute. It's a culture that just doesn't allow it. I know how wacky that sounds but it's the truth. Planning ahead is nice but not always possible depending on the rotation she is currently in.

Yep, our son was in ICU the first week of his birth and my husband could get no additional time off. It is the way the culture is. My brother in law is high up in the Marines and I can't tell you how many times his family has suffered due to last minute deployments, extensios of deployment, promises broken to him that he could have this duty station that was better for his family and instead had to move twice.

It is life in these two jobs.

[Vanquisher]

I'm pretty sure that if I or one of our kids had literally died during residency, he still wouldn't have gotten time off. One resident took call from the ICU, as a patient! Other residents rounded attached to IV poles. I am not exaggerating.

Our family and our marriage was priority 100/100 with his job occupying 1-99 on that list in residency.

Granted, we were in a horribly malignant program, but there was zero wiggle room. Zero. I wish I were kidding.

Fortunately for you, we had a legendarily bad experience and most aren't THAT evil. However, it might not be bullshit that she can't prioritize family even a little bit.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

DH took call while I was still in the hospital after delivering our baby (call started approximately 18 hours after she was born) - his program is definitely non-malignant. It's relatively family friendly. But it was his turn and he would have had to screw one of the other residents into more call and no one volunteered. So, he took call and I hung out with our newborn.

[L.Jane]

DH took call while I was still in the hospital after delivering our baby (call started approximately 18 hours after she was born) - his program is definitely non-malignant. It's relatively family friendly. But it was his turn and he would have had to screw one of the other residents into more call and no one volunteered. So, he took call and I hung out with our newborn.

Yup.. my DS was born on Wednesday, DH was on call Friday and my mom was the one to take us home from the hospital.

Welcome. We get it.

[spaz]

Yep or just recently ( and he is out practicing) I had to be taken to the ER in the middle of the night and he started call at 7am. He managed to be there for me most of the day and took me home in the afternoon in between cases.

Welcome.

[spaz]

Read the thread titled Advice About helping him through ( can't post links in explorer) You will see just how bad intern years can be.

[medpedspouse]

Welcome! Sometimes all we can do is rant to get through this lifestyle so rant away - you are right at home here.

[peggyfromwastate]

Hmmmmm... I am married to a military doc. I'm a SAHMj. The military doc/military AD we know need a lot of backup childcare (grandma lives with them) or a full time nanny. As a military member, you can be called up at any time. As a resident, the program owns you. It's kind of the worst of both worlds. The medical world will not give her a break, and your military superiors will quickly tire of giving you a break. Everyone has kids, commitments, spouses, friends, weddings, mental health issues... Medical training stops for no one. All our spouses have gone in to work super sick. There is no sick day. Your fiancée will be hated if she pulls the "I need to pick up my kid from child care" card, or the "I need family time" card, or the "I have morning sickness" card. She just will. Never mind wanting to have a date night, or make the spouse a priority. Any time one member of a medical residency team doesn't "pull their weight" (which means putting job ahead of everything else), another member of the team has to pick up the slack. This will cause resentment among her team members.

I don't want to be harsh. Obgyn is pretty tough though and the call schedule is unforgiving.

If you want to have some common ground eventually, she might consider joining the military. The military will make an effort to keep AD couples together. This isn't fool-proof though. I know a doc who is just not liked for some reason and he's been assigned to ft Podunk while is AD wife is assigned elsewhere.

Anyway...

I don't know what I would do in your position. Her medical training is just barely starting. This is the tip of the iceberg. Her responsibilities and time obligation will only increase.

I really hate to be such a downer. IMHO having the family as top priority is just not practical for a medical marriage. Unless you are willing to accept that the doc's job is the way the doc shows 100% commitment to the family.

You have to be super independent. You have to be ok with spending a lot of time alone, and not seeing your spouse, and the kicker? Being your spouse's emotional support when she complains about work or deals with bad patient outcomes. It's tough...

But yes, I've seen civilian docs married to AD members before. It can be done. It takes a TON of patience and sacrifice.

[spaz]

Peggy you said everything I was thinking and tried to say much more eloquently than I did.

[ides]

I'm late to the thread but wanted to say welcome. Unfortunately medicine is pretty rigid. Probably similar to the military. In my experience medicine insists on being first. It's something you have to come to terms with. I hope you stick around, we're a great bunch of people who are sometimes harsh when it comes to the realities of medicine but very loyal and supportive.

[peggyfromwastate]

Military to Medical Relationships

Ides is correct----- we are super supportive in spite of the harsh portrayal of training.

And we do hope you stay around and post more as you navigate this journey!!

ETA: I want to note as well that putting a family before job (in the sense of asking for days off or to leave early to see your SO) will have negative ramifications of her career. I have also seen many docs kicked out of residency during the final year of residency. Just because they ticked off someone somewhere in the medical food chain. The resident has little power over this. It is very much a "thank you sir may I please have another" mentality. Your fiancée will need to play this game to be able to complete residency--- and to get a desired job or fellowship she will have to go above and beyond. Most docs are so type A that doing MORE to improve the CV isn't an issue. Time to do more-- yes. Desire to do more-- no.

That being said, my dh did get to spend time with us and the kids mostly feel like he was a presence in their lives. He does not have a relationship with our older kids (18, 13, 13, 10) like he does with our 5 year old. She benefited from these last two years of fellowship where he's been able to be a consistent presence in her life. So things do get better in the medical training aspect.

Getting to better is a bitch though.