Conversations with aging parents

[houseelf]

I need some resources, materials, and advice to start some conversations with my parents.

We went boating with them for a long weekend and my stepdad huffed and puffed up the hill and still did the hard labor of boat maintenance. My 5'0" mom straddled the dock to get into the run around boat. I absolutely want them to continue this outdoor healthy lifestyle as long as possible BUT I really want to talk to them about modifications: trading in for a flat deck pontoon boat, outsourcing the boat maintenance, and maybe even making some arrangement to have a hand on the dock bring the boat around. They both scared the shit out of me. Seriously. I think they need to stay active, but if one of them falls or gets down, it's baaad. My mom's reoccurring kidney stones made her vulnerable to asthma and she lost a ton of stamina. I can't imagine a more serious health complication. It is too hard to regain ground in the senior years. How can I approach this gracefully and respectfully?

Last year, my mom did add my name to her accounts so I can access her checking in case she needs me. She also updated all her living health care, will, and POA. Any other things? Advice? I would really love some sample scripts.

[spaz]

Well, you could do part of it as a mutual thing. For example, at least one person and perhaps more should know where wills are, computer passwords, information about banks and investments, etc. This is true no matter what age you are. So you could start the conversation with something like "I've been trying to make sure I've got all my ducks in a row just in case something happened to us.. I made sure that xxx knows where my important papers and information is. I really hate thinking about this.. But I wanted you to know that if anything happens ( then either contact xxx or here is the information you need.) Does someone know where all of your important information is?

You might do something similar and share a struggle that you are having... For example, I am now needed to wear "cheaters" from Walmart to read certain things. I hate that. It makes me feel really old.. But I know that I have to do that so that I can read my daughter's medicine bottles.. Getting older stinks, huh mom... Then she might just share some struggles she has..

Don't know really. Tricky subject . For my dad it was really obvious. My mom has already moderated some things. However, I cannot get her to revise her will and/or let me and/or my step-brother know where all the financial stuff is... ( He manages mutual funds and lives nearby. He is the most logical choice to be executor and know all about finances. I have absolutely no problem with that. He is a good guy.) She keeps saying, "I need to do that. I know I need to..." But it never happens...

Having to start parenting your parent stinks. Period.

[diggitydot]

Conversations with aging parents

I don't have any resources. I just have the conversations with my family members when something comes up.

We finally got my grandpa to give up driving entirely when he finally scared himself because he didn't notice a pedestrian on the sidewalk. Dude has always been all about noticing stuff and having a perfect driving record. The macular degeneration diagnosis has been a blessing (for those of us who don't want octogenarians on the road) and a curse (for the Old Guy who likes seeing everything).

[Curegirl]

It's funny but we've become much more open as my relatives have grown older. My uncle is having a hard time with aging but when I broach things like I got this for you because I heard it's good for you and I want you to stick around for a while, he tends to begrudgingly take whatever vitamins, supplements, and things. I don't know how stubborn your family is but can you get the number of a maintenance person and have him/her bring up modifications if you feel weird about it? Sometimes having info come from a third party seems like it reaches their ears better than a close family member.

[PrincessFiona]

It's hard watching our parents get older. I have a tendency to lean towards gentle, honest conversations. In this case, I would say "Mom, I've been thinking about the day that we went boating ... I'm concerned because". I'd let her talk about how she felt about things. This may give her the chance to express her own doubts and concerns about getting older/changing. Once the conversation is flowing, I think it's completely acceptable to bring up alternatives like having a hand on the dock to bring the boat around. Maybe it isn't something she's ever considered and this will start the thought process for her.

My mom and I have had some of these conversations too. They aren't easy at first, but now I feel like I can be open and talk with her about these issues and she is more open with me. (We don't always agree though ... remember the teeth )