The *F* Word

[gem]

Hi all. I’m a longtime lurker, finally posting because I desperately need encouragement.

My husband is a resident in a malignant training program. We have two little kids who are delightful and creative and never sleep. I’m the primary parent because obviously. I’ve also been the primary breadwinner for ten years, working in a very demanding job.

And now he wants to do a FELLOWSHIP.

I threw up a little just writing that. Logically I agree that it’s probably the right choice for him, and by extension, our family, but I can’t really even look at him without lasers shooting out of my eyes.

We’ve talked in circles around all the options – moonlighting, budget cuts, etc.—that would allow us to scale back our requirements for my income, and it’s all just trading one set of stresses for another. Let’s assume for now there is no great fix for the situation. I will continue to work full time; he will continue to be unavailable for any meaningful co-parenting responsibility.

So, the status quo being the status quo, how do I stop shooting him with laser eyes and shut down my gag reflex for swallowing back bile?

[Vanquisher]

I got nothing. I would really examine if a fellowship is 100% necessary.

In ortho, for example, 95% of people do fellowship. We've found it completely unnecessary. As a general ortho, he can still do joints and hand and sports and trauma. The only thing he couldn't really do is spine. He's okay with that.

In other specialties, I am unfamiliar with if a fellowship is 100% necessary.

I know they get on the academic train and see that everyone is doing a fellowship. They're all type A people. They've been told fellowship is where it's at. Everyone is doing one. But, what are the jobs? What does he want to practice? How does he want to practice?

Sometimes a fellowship can sub specialize you right out of the job market. Sometimes, you really DO need it.

If he really does HAVE to do it, come here and vent and whine and moan and get through. Like you have been. Get through.

Oh, and it's okay to have dagger eyes once in a while. We get that.

So, pull up a chair, type away, and stay awhile.

[SoonerTexan]

What specialty?

And welcome!

[spotty_dog]

I'm so sorry you are in this position but you have come to the right place.

I don't have any experience to share about resigning yourself to fellowship, but I do know that your situation is horribly stressful. Please come vent any time.

[MAPPLEBUM]

Hi there, and welcome! What is your husband's specialty / year? Do you expect his lifestyle to be much better once he finishes training? I understand the feeling that training will never end. It's always been pretty much assumed my husband will do a fellowship, but now that he's PGY3 it's like....man. This is taking forever. But for his specialty it's really good to do a fellowship if you can stomach it (and can still do general procedures even sub specialized). Just know that we're here for you. Dagger eyes are OK, though it always works best for me to wait until I'm not upset to have a serious conversation I think once you cool your jets you guys should sit down and discuss the pros and cons of fellowship and whether or not it's actually good for you in the long run.

Good luck, and look forward to getting to know you!

[MDPhDWife]

Welcome! You're in the right place. I'm glad you finally came out from lurking to post so we can offer our support.

How long would the fellowship be? Would it require you to move? Those are major deciding factors in terms of the fellowship suck on a family. Are your kids school age, thus requiring a change in school? Would you have to find new employment or would you be able to telecommute?

(((HUGS)))

[gem]

You all are so nice, and you get it, you really do!

I'd rather not say specialty because it is such a small world, but in this case sub-specializing really would change the scope of his practice in a good way. He'd be able to do procedures that he really wants to do, and he would have a much better lifestyle. It's worth it-- I'm just being a baby.

I was so very good at delayed gratification before we had babies, but they need me RIGHT NOW (as they remind me multiple times a day). They are 1 and 4. I want to be able to be more present for them RIGHT NOW, not answering work emails while we color or slogging through our morning routine on 4 hours sleep. I think that's why the whole concept of how much better it will be in the long run rings hollow for me.

The duration of fellowship would depend on how he structured research time, but it would be 2-4 years. We would not move. We have agreed upon that, and I am very grateful.

Thank you all for the welcome and kind words.

[oceanchild]

Welcome!

3 thoughts:

1. I hope the fellowship is away from the malignant program?

2. Sometimes fellowship life is very different from resident life. Especially research time. We're in year 3 of fellowship, and it sort of ebbs and flows, but definitely there are a lot more easy months in fellowship than there were in residency.

3. I *hate* my DH's moonlighting schedule (mainly because they're always night shifts, and I hate the added nights alone with my 1-year-old), but he makes a ton of money doing it. A few shifts could potentially make a big financial difference.

That's all I've got. I absolutely get how hard delayed gratification is with young children. I'm so glad we're almost done training (though the end brings a whole new set of stresses).

[OrionGrad]

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been mentioned, but I wanted to say welcome!

[alotofyarn]

No advice here, but welcome! And sympathy, as another primary caregiver and breadwinner spouse, though I just have one 11 month old and a slightly more flexible job. I'm glad you came out of lurkdom, because this is a great site full of support, even though I hate the reason!

[houseelf]

Hi Gem,

Welcome, you are in the right place. DH did 7 hardcore surgery years at a malignant program. Fellowship was a HUGE disagreement between us. Fortunately, he got a spot at a place where we were both happy. I will tell you that the hours were even worse during fellowship. I know that at his original training institution some of the fellowships were even more malignant. I would DEMAND that he takes out a current fellow in this program and get the 411. The husband of the original founder of this site had a benevolent fellow ahead of him sit him down and give him the 411. He still ended up doign the fellowship, but he was aware of certain...issues.

I will also tell you that I quit working during fellowship. It coincided with a move, but let's just say that this made the bargain more palatable.

While I think it is doable, in our case, all this training has left a huge mark that we are still trying to unravel five years later. There will be a few people who pipe in here and say fellowship was much better for them, it made their job prospects better, and it didn't affect their marriage. The only clear plus for us is that my husband is in a high demand subspecialty. Yup.

Anyhoo, welcome, welcome, welcome.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

You are me in a year - hugs.

Primary breadwinner, demanding career, primary parent, finishing residency, considering a fellowship. I'm SO tired and I want my husband back.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Welcome! No better advice than what's been given but we're happy to have you!

[niener]

Just wanted to offer up another welcome to the club! We're looking at a fellowship as well but on slightly friendlier terms -- just one year and with one younger than school age kid, though it does involve a move. If your DH is considering staying at the current malignant program for fellowship I'd definitely second the advice for him to take one of the current fellows out and get the honest to goodness truth about what it's like. If he's looking at 2-4 years, that's probably close to (if not) doubling his training time -- I'd want to be really damn sure I knew exactly what I was walking into for that kind of commitment.

And come vent here any time. We get it. Fo real.

[bobk]

Our experience is similar to Oceanchild's. My DW did MD-PhD, so I was less than thrilled about tacking on three more years. We're about halfway through and overall it's been much better than residency. The clinical rotations are just as crazy, but the protected research time balances that out. She also gets paid for taking call, which nearly doubles the base salary. That has allowed me to cut back on my part-time work and focus more on the kids. I really can't complain.