working hours - on the edge (long)

Hi everyone...this is my first post on the main board. I posted an intro a couple of days ago, so you can get an idea of my background there, but I just need a chance to let off steam first. I am sorry this first post is a bit negative, but finding this board has been a real lifesaver for me. So thank you for anyone who manages to get to the end of my story here, and I hope it doesn't give you too negative a picture of me! The basic outline is - I am the Australian wife of a Japanese cardiac surgeon, and we live in Japan, where the working hours are horrific.

It's been a tough few days. I spent most of Sunday moping
around alone in tears after DH left for another two-day shift, and I
haven't really been able to snap out of the mood since then. I am so
sleep-deprived with DH's ridiculous working hours, there is
absolutely no schedule in my life now, and sleeping and eating
happen at completely irregular intervals. My social life (very
minimal these days) also revolves around when DH will be home. I
know these things are not recommended practice, but if I didn't do
it this way, we would never spend time together.

On the weekend while DH was on call, I did a silly thing - I
calculated how many hours he works per week. This week it's been
100, which is standard, but even on a good week, it's never less
than 85 or so. He is not a resident - this is what it is like for Japanese specialists forever. I was aware when marrying DH that his hours were
going to be bad, (so this is my own fault!) but I didn't realise just
how tough it would be in practice. Having just moved to a new city,
I still haven't made a lot of connections, so I am feeling very
isolated.

I also worry a lot about his health - at least he doesn't smoke or
drink, but he is developing terrible atopic dermatitis for which I
apply treatment every night, and which flares up in the most
painful way after he finishes a 36 hour shift. He scratches
incessantly now and his body is covered in red welts and cuts from
his nails. If he was his own patient, he would tell himself to go
and rest, but he himself has no way of taking his own advice. I hate
to see him suffer, and it is so frustrating to see the effect his
hours have on him. He is an incredibly good man and hardly ever gets
grumpy even when he has had no sleep or is being driven insane by
the itchiness, but at the same time, I get so jealous to see the
life-force being sucked out of him by his job, often leaving only an
empty shell to come home to me. He tries very hard to keep me happy,
and often that only serves to make me feel more guilty - how can I
ask any more of someone who is already doing it so tough? But at the
same time, who is going to be there for ME?

Maybe I'm noticing it more at the moment because I am on holidays from my own job, so the days seem even longer. It does mean that I can be available to be with him whenever he does finally make it home. But it also leaves a lot more time for me to sit and worry about how hard the
future will be - it's tough now, so what would child-rearing be
like? (I think it was the possibility that one day I will have to give birth alone which set off this process in the first place!)

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets I married this wonderful guy.
But right now, the work situation is just breaking my heart. I can
only hope that if we make it to Australia one day, the hospital system there will be more forgiving. But for now, we are stuck. I am sure others
of you are in similar situations. What do you do?

Thank you very much for reading through this whole, looong first posting. I look forward to being able to contribute more positively to this board in the future, and really appreciate any feedback you have for me.

[PrincessFiona]

Konichiwa and Welcome to the group...

It sounds like you have had a lot of change happen over the last year..from getting married to moving to Japan 8O .

Is your husband a resident or is this the 'way things are' in Japan for cardiac surgeons? It sounds like a really rough lifestyle!

We went through a spell like this during residency and the best advice that I can give you is to branch out and create a niche for yourself. I spent many a day waiting for my hubby to come home only to be disappointed by the fact that he was so tired that he just wanted to fall into bed...and go to sleep . I felt depressed and lonely and I was so disappointed. The thing that helped me the most was getting out and doing some things for myself. I took a few college classes, joined a spouse's group and got involved in some playgroups. As time went on I felt less like I was always waiting for him to come through the door and more like my life was pretty full and I was happy to have the time with him when he was there.

What kind of opportunities are available for you in Japan? Do you speak Japanese so that you are able to get out and become more involved in the community? If not, maybe you could start taking some japanese classes.

Are there any support groups there associated with the hospital? Do you know any of the other cardiac surgery families? If there is nothing available would you be able to start something?

You can come here and vent/talk anytime. No one here views your post as negative. We have all been there and are willing to help in any way possible!

kris

[Meenah]

Welcome, I am so glad you found us. This website has been a life saver for me and my marriage. My husband is is in private practice, he is Pulmonary/Critical Care. He works about 85 hours a week. This is a second marriage for us both, and we each have two children (3 in college and one to start college next year). Life is really hard, we don't see alot of each other unless I am working too (I am a nurse).

Interestingly, my first husband was Australian and he spent alot of time working in Japan. He always said he could not believe the work ethic there, 80 plus hours a week for the business world. He would tell me that after a ten hour work day the business people would then go out to dinner/bars and keep working (spouses never included).

I wish you the best, and I think you have taken the first step to helping yourself by finding this website. Again, welcome and know we are all here for you.
Luanne

[houseelf]

Angel,

Welcome to the board. As a wife of a would-be pediatric surgeon in training, I think I may know about a little of what your talking about. Will things get better? Will your dh rotate to a more liveable rotation or take on an additional partner? It always helps me to think that everything is temporary. I wish you every luck.

By the way, we may have a few additional things besides surgery in common. I was a foreign exchange student to Geelong, Australia when I was 16 and lived outside of Tokyo at Camp Zama, an American Army base several years ago. Both are amazing locales.

A hail and hearty welcome.

Kelly

Thanks heaps for your supportive replies and kind welcome.

I am feeling a bit better this morning after my very low point a couple of days ago, and this board (as well as some sleep) has certainly contributed to that.

DH is already a specialist, so this is 'the way it is' for as long as we are in Japan. As a cardiac surgeon, he works in a large private hospital. I speak Japanese fine and was here on my own long before we met, although after we married, we moved to a different city. I've never lived anywhere near the big cities, like Tokyo. I am still trying to put my roots down in our new location, so that has been adding to the sense of isolation.

As someone else mentioned, spouses are not involved or invited to the workplace or any of the functions which relate to it (which can include drinking sessions until late in the....morning.) This is truly ridiculous, when the workday is a standard 13-14 hours long. My DH is understanding of my different cultural background, but at the same time, there is little he can do to alter the hierarchy which controls them all, and I can see my emotional state starting to get to him.

He is working on applying for specialist registration in Australia, so if he is successful there, we may move in the future. I really have little idea about how possible this is, as there seem to be many barriers. And I am nervous about what I have seen of how international doctors are treated (if they manage to get in, it is an extremely protective organisation!) and fear that he may have to go through the equivalent of a residency all over again.

Anyway, enough of my concerns! Thank you for your great ideas. I guess the key is to re-discover my own life (as a married person, too...) and establish some sort of support network. It is a great start to have found this group.