scared girlfriend

hi, all-- i'm new to all of this med school stuff. my boyfriend is has applied to many, and i took him to the airport for the last of his three interviews this morning. the first of said interviews has already resulted in an acceptance. i'm scared. i don't know what's going to happen. he's moving, we know that. we've talked about what we're going to do, sort of, but in like a fake ohmigodokay kind of way where we're not really totally discussing the real matter at hand-- whether i'm going too. we've not been together that long in the grand scheme of things, and if i was to go to where he's going to be we probably wouldn't live together immediately. but this is the person i want to be with. it's not a case of the lovestruck girl with the desperate tone of voice, saying oh i'll die without him. i won't die without him. but i know that i'll go through my life aware of the fact that this man is as good as they get, and that something could have been done, and it wasn't. so people, from what i've read, there's hope. but i don't know what our chances are, what the questions we should be asking of each other are, how much i should back off (he's waiting for acceptance to something he's been working for for the last five years-- i chose to be with him knowing that he'd decided to go to med school long before he knew me). so what did y'all do? how sucky is it? help!

thank you,
grav

[Flynn]

Take a deep breath and try and feel okay that you can't control everything and some things just evolve in their own time. This is HIS dream (or goal depending on how you look at it) so how you fit into this may not be obvious at first which does not mean impending disaster!!! If he is as deliberate as most docs - to - be, he just needs time to think this through.

Whatever you do, don't go along for the ride because YOU want to. Being with a doc (or med student) is not a bed of roses -- RESIDENCY SUCKS (dare I sound bitter??) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's that simple.

If this is "they guy" for you, be patient and let things "be." Pressure from you to make decisions will most likely not be welcomed and you will feel like a needy person in the end.


Good luck!

scared girlfriend II

thank you for replying... he is, in fact, very deliberate. the way that he goes about things is about as human and alive as they get, but still very methodical... not something that i necessarily understand. i understand intuition. i know things before he does sometimes because i take them in as a whole... as he said, about this issue in fact, he thinks he has all the pieces of the puzzle. he's got to put them together now and it will take time. he needs time. and i feel that i should give it to him, and like you said, if i push it (and oh how i want to) in the end i'll just feel like the needy one. i'm really glad you used that word. it's an operative here, in that it's one of my worst fears-- he's a doc to be, with real and strong goals, and i'm a fighter myself-- i wrangle seventh graders, and i will not be cowed. being in love has humbled me greatly. now i'm trying to navigate my own fears and desires through the future of another person, while still holding on to my own. and god, as i said, i'm scared. it hits me every so often. today it's hitting me deep.

em

[Flynn]

My DH is so deliberate sometimes, if I didn't know better, I would think he was "slow."

Wait it out and be patient and supportive -- he WILL take forever to know what he wants but if it's the answer you are hoping for, it all will be worth it.

As a former teacher myself, I know you can throw yourself into your work and get lots of satisfaction from your students (when they aren't making faces at you!).

Things that are supposed to work out usually do despite our desire to control everything and make things happen NOW! Who knows, maybe it's necessary and helpful if he does go off and experience his first year of Med. School on his own to realize "the big picture." While that might be heart-breaking now, in the long run you will respect yourself more if you end up together.

Again, good luck and keep us posted!

not quite processing

how is it that heartbreaks like that happen? all of us on this forum are, on some level, involved in the medical field-- i would say that qualifies many of us for a certain level of familiarity with pain and fear and such. i've seen such myself in a professional capacity. but i can't quite process how a person can just leave-- like, the loss of love totally confounds me. that's worse pain to me than anything... gah. ok. i saw sephora writing 'bout snow and how she felt about her dad, so i guess it's ok if i say a bit about this... i can deal with a dislocated and badly compounded arm fracture. won't make me . but it makes me sick to my stomach to think that this man, who today said that i belong beside him, could like... leave. i don't get it. i feel like every day is a gift with him. and i guess this is really more a general questioning and outcry... it's pushing the edges of my universe to process how i've found such a beautiful thing after all my crappy relationships and now i have to feel scared 'bout it. how am i supposed to feel if he decides that despite how much he loves me, he has to go? like, that's my question. what of a goal that takes you away from such an amazing person? i am not a doc to be. i guess i just don't get it. how do you deal with that? i just have too many questions. i ask them here because i can't ask him and my mom's not talking to me because of my tattoos, which are not at all new but of which she was not aware.
crap.

I am feeling for you.

You have recieved some very valuable information in your replies. take time and read them-we have been there.

Finding that right someone is a special time in your life. If it is the right one I believe that your loyalty, patience and commitment to your goal is going to bring you through.

The reality of being married to a med student can be harsh. We were married the month before we started med school ( it is a "we" thing) This will not be the best time to be working out all the little new things that come with a new relationship-living toagther will bring on a whole new set of things to work out .Your partner has anxiety now but his excitement is getting him through. In the next few years there will be moments that he is going to question "why" did I do this and "can" I do this. His time will be accounted for weeks ahead of time.

Please do not take me wrong-this can work and what you build togather will be incredible. take the first year apart and start planning for your future. Things to work out are financial obligation, housing and jobs in the area. Finances can account for a large part of any new marriage-are you willing to adjust your lifesyle or increace your work hours to meet you new life. Family-you are making a sacrafice moving away from your support system-this can not be easily replaced.

If you decide to take the first year apart just think of it as an opportunity to take yourself and your relationship another level. You will be very important to his success (he will forget to let you know sometimes) I have found (not so easily at times) that my role as supporting wife and take-carer -of-all is so important to his success and at times a thankless job Would I do it over again -IN A HEARTBEAT-Do I wish I would have had a year to prepare YES... Best of luck!!

PS. Is your mom really that mad or is she using that as an exuse to not talk about her daughter picking up and moving away??? You are going to need her so I hope that one gets resolved soon- GO GIVE HER A HUG

[Flynn]

One thing you need to realize is that a person who wants to be a doc someday is a very focused person (usually). When I say focused, picture what you consider being driven, and multiply that by 50. Relationships are a priority, MAYBE, but chances are this goal of attaining an MD was on the radar long before marriage, children, etc. ever became "possible." Future docs aren't unfeeling, they just have different priorities...so the question is, how low on the list can you handle without leaving him? Have a bottom line.

I also would strongly encourage you AGAIN, to let him go to med. school without you for the first year!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make a life without him, visit a ton, and see what happens.

Finally, do you have any idea what he has always dreamed of being as far as a specific calling? Surgery? Family practice? Pediatrics? There is a HUGE difference in what he might choose down the line for quality of living and time spent training. If you think he is the guy, it is possible you are signing on for 4 years of med. school, and 5 years of an 80 hour a week residency. That's 9 years before he will make a decent salary!!! When do you picture yourself having kids??? Ask yourself the tough questions. Loving a doctor is NO PICNIC and his inability to commit right now might be a blessing in disguise.

Can you make it work? Of course but you both have to be dedicated to the relationship and you as the non medical person, will have to pick up the slack over and over and over and over. Keep this reality in mind when you are attached to the fantasy of "this is the guy and he is leaving me!!!" There are SO MANY other issues to be thinking of.

Wow, there is some REALLY good advice in the replies. I have to agree with everyone and say let him go alone for the first year. You said you wouldn't live together immediately and to be honest, you probably won't see him all that much anyway. Being separated will make for a really tough year for you (and him of course) but it would be much more difficult, in my opinion, if you were suddenly in a new city without friends/relatives and had a boyfriend who wasn't around most of the time. His dream is to be a doctor and though it may be difficult, you love him and thus have the obligation to do everything you can to help him achieve this goal. As he would for you, I'm sure. It really isn't a choice, girlfriend or medical school, everyone in here can tell you that you can be a medical student and have a family. You just have to make sure that you know what you are in for ahead of time. It is a long and bumpy road with many sacrifices, but not one without rewards.
Good luck to you and your boyfriend, and talk to him. Ask him the questions you want answers to. If he has no idea how you feel, you can't hold it against him for chosing to leave.