a girlfriend's update

thank you, all of you, for the replies and advice. much of it makes sense to me, all of it in fact. you're all more experienced at this than i am and your advice and thoughtfulness are really encouraging. he and i talked today-- he just came back from that interview that prompted me to join this forum and try and find out what i'm doing here. we decided to tell each other today that we want to be in each other's lives. neither of us, to my mind, believe that a long-distance relationship is terribly feasible-- we've both done 'em before and they were awful. we're both fiercely independent people and for myself, i am interested chiefly in plunking myself down in some place totally new and making myself a life. my second priority is my relationship with him. i've done it before and i was fixing to do it again before i even met him. and, as of right now, it looks like i'm going with him wherever he goes. we have to discuss it more, way more. but that's how we feel. hopefully i'm not being an idiot, but my intuition tells me i am not. i don't know how we'll work it the first year. i'm hoping that we'll get through it ok, if this all happens. we don't have much time. we find out where he's getting in in the next couple weeks. and although your advice makes sense to me, what makes sense to me too is being near him. this is sort of a 'why not' situation, perhaps brought to us by our youth and lack of perspective. but if this works, it could be amazing. if it doesn't, i'll be ok, becausei don't feel like i'm compromising who i am or what i do for him. we make each other's lives better. and our relationship is so new. so if i don't take this first year apart from him, will you all still give me advice on how to make the best of the situation we seeeeeeem to be choosing (no stone tablets have yet to be carved)?

oh right and also

his specialty of choice is emergency medicine. he's done a lot of outdoor fieldwork, emt stuff, lots of hands-on patient care stuff. he's not so much an adrenaline junkie as someone who wishes to waste no time in getting to the nitty-gritty of things. he's not choosing surgery, which is good from all i've read... i'd probably never see him again. so anyway, yeah. that's his deal. he's looking at oregon health sciences university, which is very family-friendly from all i've read, and has a great emergency med program. god. this is all so weird.
over the next few months, what do you think i should be doing to prepare myself, besides having my friends and my life and making sure i know who i am. like, can you give me specifics?/

Best of luck to you both! I don't have any specific advice to give you (I met my boyfriend at the end of his 3rd year of med school) but this site is such a great resource.

I think it's great that you're giving it a try. Have you checked out the job markets in the places you might be moving to? That was a big one for me when my boyfriend and I talked about moving for his residency. Since my career is such a big part of my life right now, I knew I would be miserable and frustrated if I were stranded somewhere with nothing to do. And check out what sorts of social networks you'd be able to get involved in there. I guess just do as much research as possible about your potential home so you're prepared and excited about it.

Good luck and keep us updated!

[Flynn]

Good luck and keep us posted, if you can, with all the changes you are going to experience.

I think back and know that on some level, not knowing what I was getting myself into (with regard to falling in love to a med. student) was a big key in why the relationship worked. Had I known what was in store for me....I would not have enjoyed the journey nearly as much and quite honestly I might not have stuck around. Kudos for your boyfriend on leaning towards ER medicine. The lifestyle is supposedly great post training.

I have been asked a number of times if I had to do it all over again, would I? I answer it this way....
I can't imagine being with anyone else as my partner in life. Our daughter is such a joy and our lives on so many levels is blessed beyond reason.

With that being said, if someone came to me and offered us 20 million dollars (tax free!!!) to go through it all again...(med. school match day, residency, fellowship, etc.) I would say HELL NO!!!!!


Best of luck to you and your significant other.
The ride you are about to take will be unique and memorable!!!

On the topic of specific advice...
Develop a life for yourself that functions whether he is around or not. Build relationships with other non medical people and don't wait for him to include you in everything with his school buddies. Let him discover what he has been thinking about for a long time, alone. He'll appreciate it in the long run and you'll respect yourself more.

Good luck.

[SueC]

I didn't join into the first conversation, but I think its great that you guys are on the same page about this! If you both feel strongly that you don't want to be separated, and you're fine with picking up and going with him, then I see no reason why not to.

[SueC]

I didn't join into the first conversation, but I think its great that you guys are on the same page about this! If you both feel strongly that you don't want to be separated, and you're fine with picking up and going with him, then I see no reason why not to.

[SuzySunshine]

My DH and I started dating in undergrad, graduated a semester apart and spent 14 months several states apart so that I could take my first job, he could graduate, and then move to med school. My biggest piece of advice is find your own friends and do your own things in your new town. Your partner will need a lot of study time his first year or two and the more you give him then the better the clinical years will be (in my experience).

Keep the lines of communication open and you should be able to do anything. All of us will tell you it's a long and hard road but most people agree its worth it if your partner is happy in their career choice. As someone who hates my job and is still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life at the age of 27 I admire those that do what they love.

Good luck!

I also wasn't in on the first conversation. I moved to Chicago in the summer between my husband's second and third year of med school, after being in a long distance relationship for two years. For me it was the way to find out if our relationship was meant to be. And seven years later I can tell you it was - we just had our three year wedding anniversary. BUT, it hasn't been easy to deal with his job demands, which are often all consuming. (He's an ID fellow now, finished his medicine residency last year.) ER can be pretty demanding (we have a few friends doing their residencies now) but nothing beats surgery! (Right, Kelly and Flynn?) Anyway, you have a very long way to go until residency, and he may change his mind about his speciality. Try not to worry about that whole process now!! So when does he hear about med school?

One thing that helps me is always trying to lower my expectations - for example, this weekend my DH is on call (it's home call but he will be at the hospital pretty much all weekend anyway.) So I have tried to make other plans - meeting up with a few people I know, doing my volunteer job, going to the gym - because I know he won't be available. Hopefully we can at least have a nice dinner Saturday night, but again, I can't really expect it. I'm also shooting for dinner together on Sunday.

Hope this all helps! Good luck and keep us posted!