iMSN Words of Wisdom Thread

[PrincessFiona]

If you were to pass on some words of wisdom to new medical spouses just starting off on their journey, what would they be?

Kris

[Pollyanna]

Don't wait to start your life! Your life is happening right now, make memories, enjoy these times, there is nothing magical about attendinghood, you make your own magic.

[gem]

Don't get angry at your spouse for things he or she has not yet done wrong.

At the beginning of our marriage and medical school I read everything I could get my hands on about medical marriages (including this forum!) and worried endlessly about how hard it was going to be. I just knew he would want to match somewhere I hated, there would never be a good time to have kids, we'd never have holidays together, he'd choose a family-unfriendly specialty etc. And I was mad as hell about it... during MS1. Wasted a lot of energy fretting over wrongs that never occurred. Sure some of it did, and I was glad to be prepared, but mostly we muddled through and made our own way just fine. There's nothing inherently evil about medicine that will prevent marital satisfaction. You have to approach the challenges like any others, one at a time, and that includes not resenting them before they occur!

[MrsK]

Medicine is not a pass to be an ass.

[Pollyanna]

Don't get angry at your spouse for things he or she has not yet done wrong.

At the beginning of our marriage and medical school I read everything I could get my hands on about medical marriages (including this forum!) and worried endlessly about how hard it was going to be. I just knew he would want to match somewhere I hated, there would never be a good time to have kids, we'd never have holidays together, he'd choose a family-unfriendly specialty etc. And I was mad as hell about it... during MS1. Wasted a lot of energy fretting over wrongs that never occurred. Sure some of it did, and I was glad to be prepared, but mostly we muddled through and made our own way just fine. There's nothing inherently evil about medicine that will prevent marital satisfaction. You have to approach the challenges like any others, one at a time, and that includes not resenting them before they occur!

This is so true!!!!

[diggitydot]

Avoid comparing your behind-the-scenes view of your life to the highlight reel of others.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Don't count anyone else's money.

[rufflesanddots]

More advice, please!! DH is in the middle of his MS1 year and I am needing this right now, especially gem's!

[Curegirl]

Don't say you're coming home until you're in the car.

Keep your expectations low and be pleasantly surprised.

Relationships are hard work but the difficult times make you more appreciative of the good times.

Have sex whenever you can.

[PrincessFiona]

Don't wait to start your life! Your life is happening right now, make memories, enjoy these times, there is nothing magical about attendinghood, you make your own magic.

This is mine too. Live life now!

[GrayMatterWife]

1. Don't whine. No one feels sorry for you. Your life is not that bad just because you are married to a doctor. It's just not. For example: I have a friend whose husband served in Afghanistan (granted, he was not an MD). He was one of those guys that goes off the grid for weeks at a time, on dangerous missions. She had no idea where he was, what he was doing, or if he was alive. For week after week. I rarely know WHEN my husband is coming home. I never worry about IF he is coming come.

2. Don't blame your spouse for your dissatisfaction with your life. You are not a victim. You chose this life. You chose this spouse. Take personal responsibility.

3. Don't change anything about your lifestyle for the first six-to-nine months after training. Live on an attending's salary just as you lived as a resident. Then figure out how you want to spend the extra money. (And, you will have a much better appreciation of how much/how far that "extra" will go). A lot of the "THAT is what I have been missing all these years and will make me happy and fulfilled to have!" urge will go away in that time.

4. Try to have as much sex as possible (with your spouse).

5. Don't put off having kids because you think there will be a "right" time. There is never a right time, and it is never a mistake to have kids. And they are a total PITA no matter when you have them.

[medpedspouse]

Be realistic about the lifestyle.
People need doctor's 24/7. Therefore, time together is more important than actual dates. Given DH's specialty, I am grateful my spouse is working in the hospital during special dates instead of being a patient in the hospital during those times.

Single parenting is a part of a medical family. Agreed, there is never a "right" time to have kids. You choose to have them when the non med spouse chooses to take on the majority of care taking responsibilities.

Do your own thing as much as possible. Want to travel, visit family, go to a concert, museum, etc., get comfortable doing it on your own. If you wait for the physician to be available, you are choosing to miss out on much.

At the end of the day...medicine is a job. Yes, it may be a calling, etc, but it is still a job. It is the physicians' responsibility to make sure his/her career choice is not at the detriment of their family choices. If they choose to be married and have a family, then they also choose to include the welfare of their family into their career decision making. Aka - medicine is not a pass to become a self centered ass.

[niener]

A lot of this is repeat but:

Find your own thing. Do your own thing and be comfortable doing it alone and entertaining yourself. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him/her to come home, because "I'll be home at 6" never means 6.

At the same time, don't shut your spouse out of the rest of your life or your interests. Share your excitement, your achievements, your disappointments, your frustrations. Talk. Talk talk talk. Tell them about your day. Ask about theirs, and listen when they tell you. You may not "get" all the medical speak and they may not "get" all the details of your non-medical day but when you're in a nasty stretch and haven't seen each other for 4 days it will help you feel like you're still connected.

Try not to harp on the little things. This is much easier said than done. Dishwasher loaded wrong yet again? Forgot to take the trash to the curb again? Tasks that seem so simple and obvious to you likely just go unnoticed to them. They're not purposefully trying to be unhelpful or lazy (at least not usually ). They expend so much of their mental energy at work that often they're barely passable as functional human beings by the time they get home. Cut them a little slack, within reason.

And yeah, sex. Just do it.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Pick your battles...is this something that will matter in a week? A month? A year? 10 years? If not, it probably isn't worth fighting about.

Be as positive as you can be and give people the benefit of the doubt -- you'll be happier and you'll find that people will act more kindly to you when you act more kindly to them.

[WolfpackWife]

Don't get angry at your spouse for things he or she has not yet done wrong.

At the beginning of our marriage and medical school I read everything I could get my hands on about medical marriages (including this forum!) and worried endlessly about how hard it was going to be. I just knew he would want to match somewhere I hated, there would never be a good time to have kids, we'd never have holidays together, he'd choose a family-unfriendly specialty etc. And I was mad as hell about it... during MS1. Wasted a lot of energy fretting over wrongs that never occurred. Sure some of it did, and I was glad to be prepared, but mostly we muddled through and made our own way just fine. There's nothing inherently evil about medicine that will prevent marital satisfaction. You have to approach the challenges like any others, one at a time, and that includes not resenting them before they occur!

This is probably my favorite thing I've read here in a while. It's so hopeful and helpful and positive. I don't like the idea of having low expectations or having no expectations of your spouse. I think that's a sad way to have a partner. But you're right - I have lost a lot of time worrying - PANICKING - over things that are/were "to be" and how awful I was certain they would be/will be. And you know what? We're more than halfway to the finish line (of medical school) and it's sucked at times but we've made it. We've made our way and it hasn't been traumatic. I'm still worried about some aspects of the future and I know more challenges are on the horizon, but I'm learning to let go of the certainty I once had that medicine meant I'd never be truly satisfied with the marriage I'd be able to have with DH. That happy marriage and doctor weren't mutually exclusive. If that were the case, virtually every doctor you know would be some form of single, right?

[medpedspouse]

I've got another...

The dawkter CAN do stuff around and for the house/household. I learned this lesson from single med students and residents...even attendings that have the cash to hire out stuff. The single folks CAN take out trash, wash dishes, prepare meals, do laundry, pay bills, buy groceries, clean house, maintain car, etc., etc. and do medicine!! Those divorced with children, CAN take care of their kids ALONE when they have them.