To the Experienced (and battle weary?) Veterans of residency

[Flynn]

I just finished a rather long post under the new topic, "Staring at a Possible Medical Spouse Future" and I started thinking about what I thought about residency before we started, and how my ideas have changed now, seven years into it with two more to go....

I thought it might be interesting for the veterans to read as well as all the newbies about to begin residency.

So in the interest of not taking up too much time for the people who respond, why don't we give a "Biggest PLUS" to residency and "It sucks to be a resident's significant other because....


Here are mine:

The BIGGEST PLUS to residency is how many amazing and interesting people you get to meet from all over the country and the world really. It seems like for some, residency is merely a stop on the pathway to a future Nobel Peace prize!!!

IT SUCKS TO BE A RESIDENT'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER BECAUSE the previous romance I attached to the medical profession is GONE GONE GONE -- SO OUTTA HERE!!!!

[PrincessFiona]

Interesting thread:

Biggest Plus: I echo the sentiments about living out some great adventures. We got to live in many great places, meet a lot of neat people....and hey...even started a website out of the whole mess.

Biggest SUX factor: Everything in our lives revolved around his call schedule...including the mood in the house.

kris

[SueC]

OK, I'll play!

Biggest Plus: I've gotten to witness first-hand my husband find his "calling" and really grow in a profession that he loves. We've gotten to take a few nice trips at the expense of drug companies. I can use my husband's crappy schedule to get out of just about anything I don't feel like doing. I've been forced to become a more independent person, which I think has been good for me.

What has sucked the most: Being a slave to my husband's schedule. Knowing that if I have an obligation, it takes second place to whatever my husband's work obligations are. Seeing our friends who pursued other careers climbing their way to the top of their respective fields (buying new cars, houses, having money to blow on this or that) while my husband is still working for peanuts. Knowing that even though in 1 year and 3 months my husband's salary will probably quadruple but we will STILL be struggling because we have over $260K in school debt alone to pay off.
I'll stop writing now, I feel my blood pressure rising!!!

[DCJenn]

Biggest Plus- It's over. and we did make some great friends after three years together in the trenches.

Biggest Suck Factor- You will never have your spouse for 100% of the important events in your life- anniversaries, vacations, visits with firends, visits from friends and families, birthdays, holidays, etc. In three years I attended two weddings, one funeral, my dad's 60th birthday party, my brother's New House Celebration Party, a family reunion and numerous other occasions by myself. He also missed two of three anniversaries, his birthday twice, my birthday once, fourth of July twice, New Year's Eve once, New Year's Day twice and my trip to Ireland was with my best friend. So- get over it now, in advance because there's no point in getting upset about it at the time; they have little to no control!

[Sheherezade]

Biggest plus: Seeing my husband utterly happy and satisfied by his work. For him, medicine was a second profession. He went back after a few years as an architect and teacher. He loves doing surgery, has a perfect bedside manner and really changes peoples lives. (If you ever get ovarian cancer, he's your guy....) Such a change from how miserable he was before.

Biggest minus: Not being able to count on my husband--basically ever. I really have no confidence that he could be there if I needed him--even in an emergency. When our son was sick and hospitalized, he was around off and on but basically still working and we(his family) are stable not critical because I handle things . We don't get priority much, and I don't want to become a shrew to get it. I just see myself turning into some harpy shrieking "I don't care if she's BLEEDING to death, its your son's birthday and you need to get home RIGHT NOW!!!" Kind off a catch-22, because I'm not willing to do that but can't get him home and out of the med system clutches any other way.

Angie

[migirl]

For us ...

Biggest plus: Seeing my husband get excited about: the operations he gets to perform, the different types of people/patients he meets, the absolute fulfillment he gets from his work.

What sucks the most: I have to agree with Sue here... The frustration that our friends who aren't in the medical field are so much more 'successful' than we are, as we struggle to pay down his massive med school debt and get by on our paltry income.

[mommax3]

Biggest plus to residency: That it is over! (thanks, Jenn! ) Seriously, the biggest plus was to watch my fairly shy, quiet (but very smart) husband grow in confidence through residency as he learned more and watching him "bloom" (he would hate that description!) as he developed a reputation as a good surgeon and conscientious doc with a great bedside manner.

What sucked the most: Knowing that I had no back-up.....dealing with car break-downs, home repairs, bug and snake duty, sick kids, sick ME, pregnancy, newborn angst, house guests, birthdays, anniversaries, all other holidays, weekends, bill-paying, housekeeping, child-rearing, and travelling w/kids all by myself was BEYOND a pain in the rear. And he KNEW it was hard for me but couldn't do anything about it, so me complaining would have only added to his stress.......thank God for good friends that allowed me to vent!

Biggest pluses- Seeing DH passionate about something he loves to do for 4 years straight and that all of our medical needs were taken care of by his hospital free of charge for 4 years(thats two problem pregnancies in that time frame)

Biggest minus- Being 1100 miles away from any family and put in God forsaken Ohio and having to deal soley with two small children and never having a single date with DH in the 4 years of residency. Who am I kidding? Make that 4 years of residency and 3 years afterwards. Anyone know of a good babysitter in Ohio???

[twinsmom]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! We are just starting out on the road to residency, and I have already been feeling completely enbittered by the "I'm the ONLY one going through life as a 'married single parent'!!" thought. It has been so good to read and see that many of you have dealt with the same frustrations! Although it doesn't make me anxious to jump on the residency bandwagon, at least it gives me hope that I am not completely insane and that other people have felt the same thing I have before.
Again, THANK YOU!!

Jen b.

Biggest Plus:

The confidence he gained. He went into residency wondering if he'd made the right choice and scared that he wouldn't know anything, and finished (after many battles) knowing he'd be okay and would be able to stand on his own two feet in practice. He'd say that the biggest plus was the preceptors he got to work with--he worked with some amazing (and some horrible) doctors on various rotations and quickly learned exactly what he did (and didn't) want to be like himself.

Biggest Minus:

The hours, the pay and always taking a backseat to his career. You pick.

[Rapunzel]

Biggest Plus:
My husband getting the recognition for the hardwork and creativity he has. His confidance has always been fairly strong because he has always known what he is capable of (and he sets a fairly high bar for himself). It just really tickles me that the people he works with and for (mostly) appreciate him (almost) as much as I do.

Biggest Minus:
Because of the above, the people with chips on their shoulder stand out all the more. There has been a bit of immaturity from a couple of individuals that makes my husband's life harder and it simply seems to be based purely on malice. I guess it just goes to show you'll find pathetic people everywhere you go. Luckily the vast majority of the attendings and residents in his program don't fit into that category.

Of course, these are my Pros and Cons of residency FOR THE DAY. Tomorrow I just might change my mind and find something entirely new to be happy and upset about regarding my husband's residency.

I really need to just think of a list - and it will be long....

Jennifer

[houseelf]

Biggest Plus: Because we have gone through this, we are a stronger couple and more capable, confident individuals.

Biggest Minus: We will never lead a normal life. I can never count on DH to be available for anything. Our entire household's schedules, finances, and decisions ultimately must come after what his profession dictates.

Kelly

Biggest Minus: We will never lead a normal life. I can never count on DH to be available for anything. Our entire household's schedules, finances, and decisions ultimately must come after what his profession dictates.

As the spouse of an attending, I can verify this is true--especially the never part. This profession is a lifelong calling for the whole family, and you have to figure out how selfless you really can be...

Wow- thanks for this thread!

-Esther

hey guys-once again your words have inspired me to be the best medical spouse I can be. We had one of those bummer weekends with call schedule-one of the fellow residents went into labor so guess who had to go cover.

The bonus of residency-it really does go to seeing someone you care about succeed. I do not think my husband would be happy in another profession- it is his calling. The most unexpected bonus was the strength that I have found in myself. Of course it took this website to make me appreciate the difference-I thought I was just insane for about 4 yrs And I hope that I can look back and see how far we have come as a family and I will be able to share and help someone along the way. I keep track of all the weirdness-for my furture book MARRIED TO A RESIDENT FOR DUMMIES- do I have any contributions?

The downside- I have to say the lack of control you have over your own life. Your home and schedules are ruled by what is going on at work for him. It is just hard to describe- I also feel that our children are somehow missing out -the nights when a special dinner ends up just the kids and I, Movie night we have waited all week for and he catches the end and of course the call-perfect example--Easter day - somewhere between the easter egg hunt and brunch he had to go-I was at work so Easter afternoon with sitter!!! OUCH on the mommy guilt scale
I had the perfect day planned. It all works out-now see I bummed myself out :!: Now I feel A need to go get that easter candy You will see that on my diet chat in am :!: