?'s from Gf of 2nd yr Med student

I'm new here, I've been reading some posts and have a couple questions. Since my family and friends just don't seem to understand anything I am going thru. My boyfriend is currently studying for the USMLE Step 1 exam. And its taking its toll. Its seems that his whole personality has changed. Is this common, he is so stressed out about failing and not making it. I try to do little things here and there, sending cards or little surprises in the mail. But because he has his finals in two weeks and boards in 7 weeks. He is just not interested in anything anymore but studying. I fully support him and he knows that and i want to be there for him whenever possible. When we do spend time together its quality time and nice. But when we don't it seems that all we do is argue and nit pick. We only see each other maybe once every two/three weeks.. He had a hard time focusing before and now is on a roll. We plan on spending one week together after boards to just be with one another and I'm looking forward to that time. But until then I feel like I am in hell.. I guess I'm looking for some advice, and to see if this is normal behavior.. and any suggestions of what I could do to help this time along..

[Auspicious]

Hi,

My fiance is also taking Step 1 this spring, but so far it doesn't seem to have changed his study schedule very much. You have my sympathy, though--it would definitely be difficult finding any time to spend with together if we didn't live together. Sending him surprises and encouagement via mail is a cute idea, I like that!

In the long run, 7 weeks isn't really a long time to lay low and let him do his thing--Step 1 is a big deal but at least it only happens once. When it's over and you have more time together then maybe you could bring up ways to avoid fighting during high-stress times (since this certainly won't be the last one in the medical training process) and how to stay connected during busy times. It's great that you'll have a week together after he finishes the test.

Sometimes you have to just hang in there and wait it out and offer up your best encouragement for the umpteenth time.

Good luck, and post here any time!

[twinsmom]

Believe me, I KNOW how you are feeling!!! When my hubby took Step I, I felt like I was living in a nightmare. The ONLY time we saw each other was as he was crawling into bed, or leaving in the morning. The stress was through the roof!!
To top things off... I was Pregnant with TWINS (our first pregnancy). They were due a month after the boards, so I was incredibly excited to have a month with him UNstressed before the babies came...
... as luck would have it, the babies had their own agenda and decided to make their world debut 3 days BEFORE the boards 8O . I went to the hospital to get checked and was told I was in active labor, and wasn't going anywhere but to have these babies... to which I replied, "I can't have these babies before Thursday!! My husband takes his boards!!!"
It was crazy, but we got through it. Believe me, you will see a totally different person emerge from that testing center. Just hang on and find ANYTHING to keep you busy for the next 7 weeks. It feels like an eternity, but it will pass!! On of my hubby's professors told me that the best thing I could to do help him was to simply leave him alone and let him go to his own little corner and study. It was incredibly hard, but his doing that opened so many doors for residency and hence, his career, to in the whole grand scheme of things, it really is worth the pain, loneliness, boredom, struggles, fights, etc, etc...
Good luck and come here to vent, relate, comisserate, and just plain pass the time . Have a great day!
Jen B.

[Michele]

My husband takes Step 1 at the end of June. He hasn't started "crunch time" yet thank goodness!!!! I know he'll be bad...I remember the MCAT! Luckily, I planned a month long vacation....er, externship....in Hawaii starting June 15th...and a 2 week surgery block right before that.....so I planned to keep myself busy.

He's been a little freaky about the rest of his classes though. He feels like a slacker...and truthfully, compared to what I see and hear from his classmates, he is slacking a bit. I never mention school or studying though unless he asks me to....because I don't want to be the bad guy. When I come home from classes, the last thing I want to hear is "when's your test" or "how'd it go" or "have you studied?" So I figure it's best not to mention these things to him.

I try to make our home and me his "sacntuary" away from med school. Med (and vet) school sucks and if we're ever going to make it through school and residency we're going to need a "happy place" and a big bottle of wine!

Hang in there! It'll be better soon. I didn't know my bf when he took Step 1, but from what he and his friends have said, he was an absolute mess. I don't think at that point he would have appreciated anyone doing sweet things for him either. Most men are kind of one track-minded-- when they're focused on something, it's really hard to notice anything else in the world (much to my frustration). So I'd say, take care of yourself right now and then when he's done, surprise him with a nice dinner or a massage or something and I'm sure he'll really appreciate it. And, the better he does on Step 1, the less he has to worry about Step 2

-Esther

Sad, but true, this sort of Step Exam behavior is totally normal! I think it just goes with the territory. It's an unknown, the scores are important for residency application, it's a pain to study for, etc, etc. My DH just took Step III, and was worrying *before* the test about what he would do if he didn't pass. He did pass and did just fine.

I'm sure your BF will be back to his regular self after the exam. (With occasional hand-wringing and certainty that he didn't pass.)

Thanks for the advice.. He seems to be having mood swings.. Its up, its down.. I mean he called me and it was like nothing happened..
I'm so stressed out and I'm not even the one taking the exam.
It seems to be a little better since I can think of this in chunks.. In two weeks his final exams, after that its like 4 weeks till boards.. and possibly 4 weeks of not seeing him.. grrr..
I'll probably come here for some thoughts..
Thank you all so much!!!

[Flynn]

A little late to chime in but...

This is totally normal and is a good preview for what your life will be like if you stay with him during residency. If there is not a test or a presentation, they are reading articles to prepare for a surgery or procedure OR they are on the phone with the hospital or attending. It's ALWAYS something. Pace yourself and when this test is over maybe you can address how hard he is to deal with during stressful times. Perhaps you guys can work on that together.

Giving, giving, giving, giving???? That's pretty much how it goes in a medical relationship. Talk to him though and tell him how you feel when things calm down.

Cheeky,

Wow! We are going through the same exact thing here too! Finals in 2 weeks and boards in 8 (mid June) and THEN we get to move for 3rd and 4th year that weekend! WITH 3 kids. Help me!!! I went to visit my parents this w/e and just got back a while ago just so I could let him study and sleep w/o having to worry about us. He is so good though and puts our family first always. I just need to help him out too in any way b/c I know he is really stressed about scores and then getting a good residency. Just know that someone else out there is feeling your pain! I keep telling myself "8 more weeks, find a happy place, find a happy place." I am sure to be posting alot in the parenting section as I know I will go crazy.

Same thing over here, my husband is taking the boards in about eight weeks as well. I'm definately planning on taking our daughter and leaving for at least a week, possibly longer. He's not going to be around much anyway, and it will be much more fun for me to take a vacation to visit friends and family rather than mope around a lonely house waiting for him to make a brief appearance. A lot of his classmate's wives are doing the same thing, it sounds like the norm in a lot of cases. Though I have to say Hawaii sounds like much more fun than anything I have planned!