The hardest transition

[Lynnea]

People will always swoon/gush that your with a doctor! As long as your bf doesn't let it go to his head you'll be fine. It should get old to him too. Medicine is just ONE aspect of his life, even if its the most time consuming. Once he gets settled he'll learn to balance his priorities. And just remember just because medicine may get more of his time is doesn't mean its a higher priority than you!

Wife of a PGY-6

I sure hope so!

[Cinderella]

Our situation isn't typical so our transitions have been different than others. Some of you have heard this before or parts of it. I'm not going to edit much for grammar or spelling.

We met while he was in medical school in Egypt. Back then he seemed to have all the time in the world for me. Then after two years we married in Egypt and around the same time he sat for his medical school graduation exams which he considers graduation even though they mail the medical school diploma a year later and you're still tied to the medical school until you complete your training in a residency. It's all governmental education over there because of socialism so it was free. During that time I was pretty clueless to everything going on. It wasn't until later when we got to the ECFMG stage that I became more aware of the process from start to finish.

His egyptian residency was a difficult period for us as we were doing our marriage long distance. When he first began I started to hear less from him because he was busy. He'd send me photos from different governmental hospitals he'd rotate at. I should organize the pictures sometime into albums and share them all with you. Half way through his residency the Egyptian Army took him for his mandatory military duty. Under their supervision he completed his residency half way through his military service. His first job post-residency was as a doctor of a medical point servicing 2,500 soldiers. Around that same time a war broke out on Egypt's border between Israel and Palestine. His unit was being mobilized to the border to setup a temporary medical point. I was afraid for him going where the bombs were dropping. The war ended after three weeks and he didn't have to go. During his military service I received one long handwritten letter a month and we'd also skype when he had his leave.

After the military duty was over he took a position as a doctor of a medical clinic in Hurghada on the Red Sea in Egypt that serviced foreigners. I went to live with him in Egypt during this time. It was a honeymoon period for us. We had on rose colored glasses. It was a reunion for us after nearly three year living apart long distance due to school, residency and military service. He worked 14 - 16 hour days 6 days a week. We had our own place together. We'd go out with our friends there that were couples like us. We lived on the coastline. He wasn't so stressed out all the time. He worked with people he grew up with and went to medical school with. He took good care of me in his country. Sometimes I miss that time we had together.

Then I went back to the US to await his arrival through the immigration process. It took nearly a year before he got the visa to come to the US. I looked for work. The economy was bad and it took me nine months to find a job. He arrived and had a difficult transition period which I read is typical of new immigrants.

After sometime I became frustrated that he wasn't studying for the Steps and it felt like he was delaying taking them forever. So we sent him to his Sister and BIL in Baltimore for a couple months as a transition period and to introduce him the US medical system. His Sister was working on her PhD at Johns Hopkins. She's a Cardiologist and her husband's and Orthopedic Surgeon. Her husband had done his PhD there prior. My husband was able to do an observation in a teaching hospital and get some experience and a letter of recommendation. He also started a plan to study for the Steps there.

A couple months after he came back Egypt broke out in a revolution and the studying for the Steps was put aside as it was 24/7 revolution going on upstairs in the office for weeks. Time went by and eventual we moved with my work to another State. That was good and bad for us. I was the sole supporter for a long time while he studied for the Steps. We made friends in the new community. We completed the immigration process and put it behind us. He learned to drive there. Finally he started taking the Steps.

Meanwhile my work was a horrible toxic environment and everyone was leaving in a mass exodus. I hung in as long as I could and then he took on work so I could quit. Then we hit a rough patch in the relationship. He completed the Steps and prepared for the Match and became more hostile. We went through the ECFMG and ERAS and the NRMP. Essentially we went through the match for international medical graduates and it was nuts, but I'm glad we had that experience and went through it together and achieved something. That was a big moment for us both. After the match he went back to Egypt for a long time since it was the first visit in four years while I stayed behind. Our relationship felt like we were in limbo limping along during this time because of things he said before he left after I'd already gone through a big emotional upset we weren't ready to deal with. He came back and we moved to another State for Residency.

With the first year of Residency in the States I struggled with depression and recovering from the toxic job and the rocky patch we hit in our marriage. However, our lives improved modestly. We had more money. We live in a beautiful place in an exciting city. He liked his program and they liked him. I made new friends. He had to adjust to a new job, new responsibilities, new coworkers and friends. To manage it he keeps our lives pretty separate from his work life. Which takes all his time so I don't get much time with him. At times I'd come to peace with it and we had harmony in the home again. He's more stressed out and busy now but the hours are similar to what he worked in private practice back in Egypt. Living here reminds me a lot of living in Hurghada when he was doing private practice because it's a resort town. We don't have rose colored glasses on anymore though. I realize this is the medical lifestyle and it will continue to be like this after training since I've been there before.

I used to think that the period of going through residency in Egypt was difficult because it was long distance and we had immigration, military service and the medical lifestyle thrown on top of it. Then I thought the four years it took him to get through the Steps was bad because it was like going through medical school all over again and a big waste of time waiting on him to do it, and nothing I could do or say would move him along. Eventually I learned that his family carries more weight with him than I do. Now I think going through residency a second time in the States is a higher level of torture than the first time. It's like the torture from the first round was turned up a notch and the stakes are higher this second time.

Including this year we still have two years of residency left to go. When we started residency I thought I could do this again all the way through fellowship. After a year of it I'm not sure I can make it another year like this. I just want to look for a back up plan and get the heck out sometimes. Then I remember we've been through a lot together. I also have the perfect opportunity right now to explore and to discover what else I want to do in life since I don't want to work in what I was doing prior. He provides for me and gives me room to search for a new purpose. So there's that.

The plan is to go for two more matches after this for fellowship. One is the sub-specialty. The other is a sub-specialty on top of that so he can do procedures. Hopefully those will be offered in the same place and we only have one more move before "the job." Provided we get through this residency and match for Fellowship that means five more years of training left.

[MrsInTheMiddle]

I really enjoyed reading this thread. I'm a little sad that attendinghood may not as fantastic as I hoped, but I am happy that I was warned!

So far the transition from med school to intern year was the most difficult for me. Starting over in a new city while my partner was gone from 6am-11pm was really hard. I cried a lot. There were several times when I was ready to leave.

It truly does take 2 years before a place starts to feel like home. I am at peace now with my new normal, but I know this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I hear the fellowship years are going to suck, but I feel better prepared for it.

[Lynnea]

I really enjoyed reading this thread. I'm a little sad that attendinghood may not as fantastic as I hoped, but I am happy that I was warned!

So far the transition from med school to intern year was the most difficult for me. Starting over in a new city while my partner was gone from 6am-11pm was really hard. I cried a lot. There were several times when I was ready to leave.

It truly does take 2 years before a place starts to feel like home. I am at peace now with my new normal, but I know this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I hear the fellowship years are going to suck, but I feel better prepared for it.

You're words ring true to my life lately, although we are still just in the beginnings of med school. I've cried a lot lately, and many times have thought the only way to solve this would be to leave. What did you do in those times when you were feeling like that to make it better? Did anything help? I can get so sick of hearing 'you will get through it' and 'it will be okay'. Hearing those things doesn't ever make me feel any better!

[Thirteen]

Lynnea, if you feel really poorly often, I would start by taking a depression questionnaire, and then making an appointment with your doctor to talk about what you are feeling.

I say this, coming from my own personal experience, and gently encourage you to speak to someone about it.


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[MrsInTheMiddle]

You're words ring true to my life lately, although we are still just in the beginnings of med school. I've cried a lot lately, and many times have thought the only way to solve this would be to leave. What did you do in those times when you were feeling like that to make it better? Did anything help? I can get so sick of hearing 'you will get through it' and 'it will be okay'. Hearing those things doesn't ever make me feel any better!

Moving to a new city is a difficult life transition regardless if it is for medical school, a career opportunity or a fresh start. The fact that you made the move means that you are brave.

My best advice for getting through the beginning stage of starting over is to try taking the focus off of him for a bit and redirect your energy to work on you. Whether or not you stay or leave, you need to be confident in who are as an individual, not just as who you are in your relationship.

If you haven't already found a job, make that a priority. Working will give you a routine and will help you feel normal. Colleagues will give you insight on your new city and have potential to become friends. Paychecks are nice too.

Find some sort of hobby or activity outside of your relationship that makes you happy. If my weeks are packed with fun activities, then I don't have time to be sad. I realized I can't control where DH matched, but I can control my attitude. Making friends will really help make your new city feel like home.

Depending on your city, meetup.com is a great way to find people with similar interests. City park and rec departments are great resources for finding or directing to where you can find a sports team to join.

If you are more of an introvert, try cooking. You've got to eat, so it might as well taste good!

Choose to make the best of this situation. If you find yourself with kleenex box in hand, take the dog for a walk and remind yourself that this is only temporary.

[JustRightKelly]

[MENTION=5087]MrsInTheMiddle[/MENTION] , thank you. That was a really nice post and one I hope to remember after we match and most likely move next summer.


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[alybell25]

I have just gone through this thread and really enjoyed everyone's perspectives!

My husband is in his last year of fellowship, so we will be making the transition into attendinghood soon. I don't know that I can tell you what was the hardest transition, but I will say that so far residency has hands down been the most difficult part of all of this for us. His residency was 3000 miles away from all my friends and family. It started out fine, I had a job that I loved and we had the support of my husband's parents. A couple of weeks after my husband started residency we found out we were expecting our first child. Yay! And then it all unraveled in October of that first year of residency when we lost both of my husband's parents. Somehow my husband managed to only miss 3 weeks of residency during that turmoil....his program offered to let him take more time off but he wanted to get back into it. I think it was a good distraction for him. It was a disaster for me however. My husband was never home, and my only support system on the east coast was now gone. It was a really really dark time and I suffered from horrible post partum anxiety. My husband matched for a fellowship MUCH closer to my family (a 6 hour drive as opposed to a 6 hour flight) and that definitely improved things for us. He works BRUTAL hours as a fellow, but the fact that my son and I can drive up to my parent's house for a couple of weeks in the summer or my Mom can drive down here for a long weekend has been a saving grace. I also have to say that both his residency and fellowship have taken place in the 2 largest cities in the country at very urban hospitals and the support systems that some of you talk about in your training years have been completely non existent for us. I think I have only met his co-fellow's spouses once? I wish that we had more of a network but it simply does not exist in the programs he has been in.

With that said, I am REALLY looking forward to attendinghood simply because it looks like we will finally (fingers crossed) be moving back to my home area. Having my parents, siblings, and friends close by is going to be a life saver for me. I did get a little scared reading how awful that transition was for some of you LOL, but I know that having my support system back is going to make all the difference in the world and now that we will have some local help and family, I feel like we can get through anything being an attending throws our way.

Going to wrap this up by saying to those of you who are still in medical school and have all of these transitions ahead of you...I think that each situation is largely personal and depends on the type of residency/training your spouse goes into, where it is, how demanding of a program it is, what the community there is like, etc. It's definitely not an easy path, but it's not all gloom and doom. Best of luck to all of you!!!

[Lynnea]

Thank you for your post, I always appreciate reading other's stories about what hardships they have had to endure and what good times they have shared as well. It gives me some sort of hope that even during those gloomy days there are brighter ones ahead. What residency program/specialty did your husband go into? If you don't mind me asking, were you with him through medical school and when did you get married? Thinking about having children during this process is certainly an unsettling one for me, as I want to have a husband who is able to share such a special and unique time with me. It's all oh so overwhelming! But at the same time I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to have to put all the good things in my life on hold to wait to enjoy when he's done with training, because who really knows when that even is!
I wish you the best of luck with this new transition in your journey! I look forward to chatting with you!

I have just gone through this thread and really enjoyed everyone's perspectives!

My husband is in his last year of fellowship, so we will be making the transition into attendinghood soon. I don't know that I can tell you what was the hardest transition, but I will say that so far residency has hands down been the most difficult part of all of this for us. His residency was 3000 miles away from all my friends and family. It started out fine, I had a job that I loved and we had the support of my husband's parents. A couple of weeks after my husband started residency we found out we were expecting our first child. Yay! And then it all unraveled in October of that first year of residency when we lost both of my husband's parents. Somehow my husband managed to only miss 3 weeks of residency during that turmoil....his program offered to let him take more time off but he wanted to get back into it. I think it was a good distraction for him. It was a disaster for me however. My husband was never home, and my only support system on the east coast was now gone. It was a really really dark time and I suffered from horrible post partum anxiety. My husband matched for a fellowship MUCH closer to my family (a 6 hour drive as opposed to a 6 hour flight) and that definitely improved things for us. He works BRUTAL hours as a fellow, but the fact that my son and I can drive up to my parent's house for a couple of weeks in the summer or my Mom can drive down here for a long weekend has been a saving grace. I also have to say that both his residency and fellowship have taken place in the 2 largest cities in the country at very urban hospitals and the support systems that some of you talk about in your training years have been completely non existent for us. I think I have only met his co-fellow's spouses once? I wish that we had more of a network but it simply does not exist in the programs he has been in.

With that said, I am REALLY looking forward to attendinghood simply because it looks like we will finally (fingers crossed) be moving back to my home area. Having my parents, siblings, and friends close by is going to be a life saver for me. I did get a little scared reading how awful that transition was for some of you LOL, but I know that having my support system back is going to make all the difference in the world and now that we will have some local help and family, I feel like we can get through anything being an attending throws our way.

Going to wrap this up by saying to those of you who are still in medical school and have all of these transitions ahead of you...I think that each situation is largely personal and depends on the type of residency/training your spouse goes into, where it is, how demanding of a program it is, what the community there is like, etc. It's definitely not an easy path, but it's not all gloom and doom. Best of luck to all of you!!!

[gcuthbe1]

Unbelievably, indescribably depressing. Like sending me into fits of sobs, depressing. Staring down the barrel of 6+ more years of training alone and then...for what? Nothing, it seems. I have such a gigantic fear I'll never truly be happy, but really could have been if I'd nudged him towards a different career. This is so utterly distressing.

Sort of joking - let's put trigger warnings on super bleak threads so those of us who want to still believe there's something to look forward to can avoid the realities for just a bit longer

Yeah... Not reading beyond this eeeep.

Returning to re read the encouraging letter posted last week! No resentment today!

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