fellowship: pity party of one over here

[GingerGirl]

This post is a bit of a vent, but any advice is appreciated! DH is a fellow and started second guessing his choice (maybe he should have picked a different one? maybe there won't be any good positions? maybe it wont be financially worthwhile? maybe he will have to work constantly and forever?) basically seems to be throwing every fear including the kitchen sink at his future career prospects. To me it sounds more like general anxiety then a specific career issue, but that is how he feels. I'm trying to be supportive (we talk, we research stuff, we talk more, I try to keep us in the moment and focused on all the positives) but I'm starting to get really stressed. We moved for this match - I have no friends/family locally, I feel like my career took a hit for this move but i cant stop working and need to do a lot of travel to keep my job (also work alone, so not talking to coworkers during the day), and i'm pregnant. I just find myself so hurt and annoyed that I compromised on many things that were important to me to make this move for DH and now he (almost immediately) does nothing but complain about everything! I'm lonely and worried about the future but feel like i've got to keep it together... and it's not all bad, i'm sure in time i will make friends and i already really enjoy the area that we moved to, but this was his dream (the program, the location, all of it) so why do i have to be the one who always looks at the glass half full.
Thanks for letting me rant. Any suggestions about how to get through early fellowship, or stories of spouses who kinda freaked out ... or a kick in the pants to me if im being ridiculous, are seriously welcome!

[MAPPLEBUM]

Hate responding from my phone but I am so sorry. No kick in the pants for you he needs to put on his big boy jeans! That's simply not sensitive or loving to expect the partner to make all the sacrifices and be the support. Im sorry. At a certain point I'd have to tell him to grow up.

It will be OK.the next move should be for you! And congrats on the baby!!!

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[ides]

fellowship: pity party of one over here

Hang in there. I would be really annoyed and angry at his selfish tunnel vision too. We moved for a one year fellowship and frankly, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. He was still haunted by the toxic residency, worried he wasn't good enough, etc. The hours and cost of living were much better but emotionally it was a tough year. The first year or two out of training are also really hard. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. Keep doing what you are doing and find things to help you relax. If it's too much tell him you need to talk and express how much stress you are under and kindly tell him to buck the fuck up and make it work. This was his choice after all. Hugs!

Congrats on the baby!

[L.Jane]

First, congrats on the baby. All those hormones surging through you can't help and your DH is making it worse. I am sorry. It sounds like he has hit the, oh shit, I am going to be done with training and I am going to have to be an actual adult and get an actual job panic attack. It happens to many Drs who have had their whole path basically laid out for them since college and now its time to leave the education nest and be a grown up. I moved twice for my DH to places where I had no family and for the final stop I said it was my turn. It wasn't easy and we almost had to leave where I wanted to be, but thank goodness it worked out for us. I think you just have to keep an open conversation with him and remind him how much you have supported him and its time he thinks about you and the future child you have coming. Hugs. (Im a total stranger who doesn't know anything about you or your dh, so take my advice with that grain of salt they talk about)

[gcuthbe1]

Congrats when are you due?? How long is fellowship?
Did any of this come up during your fellowship decision making/ match process?
It sounds like he talked you into how this would be so worth it. What changed? Perhaps it's just the anxiety of the unfamiliar. Compared to chief year at his residency program, now it's hard to start at the bottom/ from scratch again. Perhaps he just needs more time to settle in. But definitely don't be shy about reminding him how much you're sacrificing.

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[GingerGirl]

Thanks for your kind reply. You are so right about this - the hours/pay are definitely an improvement but i wasn't ready for the emotional roller coaster - thought that was over after residency. i think feeling like he is not up to the job plays a part, which i didn't even think about until i read your response.

[MAPPLEBUM]

What field is he in? My DH just started a 2 year fellowship. If he started that kind of talk, and continued it, I honestly think my response would be "then quit. go into general." That IS an option. Training sucks way too much to stay in it just because.

[GingerGirl]

It's a three year fellowship... So 2 years 10 months to go. I know that quitting is an option and even said that I would support that decision. It would be financially really rough but we could do it. I think he won't actually quit tho due to pride and also deep down I think he does actually like it, just is panicking over being an "actual adult" as L.Jane said. Still really annoying!
Thank you all so much for the support! It means so much to be able to come here, no one else really gets it.

[metroguy]

hospitalist makes like 200 - so it's not much different than a herma/onco - at like 300ish.. also with the herma/oncologist --i heard it gets depressing watching all the cancer patients die.
anyway.. this journey is tough. he needs to get his act together.. i know an oncologist, and now a just researcher. i'm not sure what happen to the guy. somewhere along the road, he encounter family issues. he gave up after fellowship and stop practicing medicine. now he regrets it since researchers doesn't pay and he's been out so long he's afraid of getting back in.

[Phoebe]

I think it sounds normal to have those initial concerns. There is always a learning curve.


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[oceanchild]

I agree that this probably has a lot to do with starting over at a new place. You get used to all these systems and then have to relearn it all. That's tough!

As to careers, subspecializing can definitely limit your options. We had a rough job hunt. But it all worked out, really. Plus, he's got lots of time to worry about that.

Anyway, my DH did a 3-year fellowship, and the first year was by far the worst. It'll get better!

[medpedspouse]

It's a rough time. Rough for him but equally rough for the spouse. So yes, he does need to suck it up and take responsibility for the stressors his career choices have put on his partner....if he wants his partner to have the emotional fortitude to not only deal with all the crap that comes with medical spouse-dom but pregnancy too.

Welcome to the shit show!

All I can say is take what is yours and demand your fair share of support in the marriage. And whatever you do, DO NOT GO ACADEMIC.

Yes, to what LSW said...you've got to advocate for yourself. Re: Academics, we have had a different experience. Life was pretty crappy in private practice. We have a better quality of life since DH switch to academics. Does not pay as well but a much better work/life balance.

[GingerGirl]

hospitalist makes like 200 - so it's not much different than a herma/onco - at like 300ish.. also with the herma/oncologist --i heard it gets depressing watching all the cancer patients die.
anyway.. this journey is tough. he needs to get his act together.. i know an oncologist, and now a just researcher. i'm not sure what happen to the guy. somewhere along the road, he encounter family issues. he gave up after fellowship and stop practicing medicine. now he regrets it since researchers doesn't pay and he's been out so long he's afraid of getting back in.

Yeah this is all true, i just meant financially rough in the short term since we just paid for a move and would have to pay for another if he quits. I really see no point in being here if he isnt going to finish the fellowship - why not move back where we have some support? Also i remember him specifically saying he didnt want to be a hospitalist so am a little worried he would just be exchanging one career panic for another. Thanks for the specific example about the researcher, good to know what people's actual experiences are.

[Doctor+Teacher=Love]

Girl...I am in that same boat with you...just about residency. We had a terrible experience with the match process and have really struggled with being away from everyone we know and love. I also gave up a large portion of my career (tenure in a school system with a HUGE raise which would have been fabulous for us right now...I married a Dr. right? Ha ha!), and my husband isn't exactly in love with his match right now. It happens! It gets better! ALWAYS. That's what we keep praying, and doing. We have been befriended by ladies in this forum, and people here in our match city even if they aren't close with us yet. It does get better! I'm praying for you! Know that you are NOT alone. = )