Any regret?

[katiecrna]

My husband is regretting becoming a surgeon. He is almost done, has one more year of fellowship to go, and it's like he hit a wall. He's depressed, so negative and he said he regrets doing this because it's changed his relationship with me, his parents and his friends. And he sees a future of always disappointing us because of how busy he will be.

Anyone else?

[medpedspouse]

Not my DH but a friend of ours has a similar story. He was single when we met him doing gen surg and later went back and completed a fellowship. His mindset changed once he and wife had a baby. He now works for a spa doing outpatient type of cosmetic procedures. His mindset is that is just a job, pays well, and allows him to travel/spend time with family. I am happy for him but makes me selfishly sad because he was a fantastic med educator...his last year chosen by the med students as faculty of the year kind of educator. I lost a wonderful faculty member yet glad he found something that supports the lifestyle he wants to have.

All that to say, I feel for your DH. I can imagine he is in a tough place. I wonder if he would feel the same if the culture/environment were different? Some programs/places of work are so toxic that it can make one rethink career choices.

[L.Jane]

All that to say, I feel for your DH. I can imagine he is in a tough place. I wonder if he would feel the same if the culture/environment were different? Some programs/places of work are so toxic that it can make one rethink career choices.

This. I'm sorry you are going through this. We have been lucky to be in non malignant programs and in a job that while he works hard and yes, some nights isnt home before E goes to bed, he is able to be a part of the family.

[Howfunitis]

I'm intern year Surgery so take my advice with a grain of salt. We are knee deep probably regretting it but I have faith we will pull through. I'll have to ask myself in the near future if we have any regret.


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[civilspouse]

DH regrets it all the time. I think it's sad because he's great at it. If he could go back he would have chosen something else but I think he feels like he's in to deep now. It has been better lately but in general I think he feels drained and like he doesn't have much of a life outside of work. Just wanted to say I understand and I hope things get better for you guys soon.


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[ides]

Any regret?

My Dh regretted it during his last year of surgical residency. It was rough. We went to fellowship after and it got better bit by bit. He now says after a few years out he doesn't regret it any longer. He's sub specialized and his hours are good. He also really likes his sub speciality.


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[spotty_dog]

Over the years watching our amazing surgery spouses go through residency and post-training, I've seen so many people's lives get turned upside-down. Surgery definitely does change almost everything about lifestyles and relationships. But if you can both be strong, and resilient, you can come through to a new normal and build a life around that. It might not look like anything you've known before, but I think -- correct me if I'm wrong, surg spouses -- it can be good.

Hang in there. The world needs surgeons, so I have to say thank goodness for these amazing, talented people who can put so much of themselves into their medical career. But it always breaks my heart a little to see how everyone else in the surgeon's life has to make do with what's left over.

[Ladybug]

Life does get better after residency training. You're so far in. At least finish and then select a job that is family-time friendly. There are toxic work enviroments, and there are environments where surgeons are involved in their families daily lives. It really comes down to environment, administration expectations and colleagues. I don't necessarily love everything about where we live geographically, but DH is home by 6:30 and earlier for DD's softball games to take her. The first three years out are focused on building a referral system and reputation, but things are really nice now. We have plenty of family time, good money and lots of options.

[Thirteen]

I'll say this: we have a pretty comfortable life, but it took about 5 years for us to feel settled, lay off some debt, and for him to feel strong in his knowledge and abilities.


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[OrionGrad]

Surgery spouse here. There are lots of nights when DH isn't home by the kids' bedtime, but one of the advantages of private practice for us has been that DH has control over his own schedule. So when our son has a preschool performance or another important event, DH can block out his schedule and make sure to be there. And when he's rounding on the weekends, he can go in at a time that works for all of us (like during the kids' naptime). He has so much more autonomy now than he did in training, so even though the hours aren't any better, managing our family life has been much, much easier.

[gcuthbe1]

It really comes down to environment, administration expectations and colleagues.

Seconded. It also depends on specialty. We did a ton of research on lifestyle before we chose a fellowship/ specialty.

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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Seconded. It also depends on specialty. We did a ton of research on lifestyle before we chose a fellowship/ specialty.

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So did I...he still choose surgery. 🙄


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[gcuthbe1]

So did I...he still choose surgery. 🙄


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Lol! I didn't meet my DH until after he had just matched into general surgery, so unfortunately I had no say in that, just in fellowship! He also tells me he knew as a surgeon he wouldn't have a life, and he chose it after a bad relationship ended and he was set on being single for life haha!

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[SuzySunshine]

My DH wishes hospital administrators weren't such a stress on his work but he has no regrets. We jut passed 5 years out and we are comfortable, there are bumps in the road but he's happy with the practice he's built and with his group. He controls his schedule for the most part, he still misses some things when he's on call and can't trade. He knows the politics exist everywhere.


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[Flynn]

He has one year left and NOW he's regretting his choice? I'm sure all through his training he saw attending docs that were busy all the time and that did not deter him? Um no no big boy. Time to put on your "own your choice" panties and make the best of it. (I've found that babying surgeons is a little like giving your toddler the ice cream cone he's screaming for even though it's 9 a.m. and he just tossed his whole grain toast and fruit on the ground.)

Post training IS better. The hours are generally better (choosing that first job can be tricky) and the money is definitely better. Being negative NOW is just dumb for lack of a better word (and because surgeons generally hate that word). The best parts of the job are around the corner! He's probably nervous and realizing that there is also a TON of hard work left to do -- building a referral base plus the little issue of not having anyone die on his table in the first year. Mortality stats matter.

Is there any way to explain to him that he needs to just hang in there and this time the unknown might actually be an improvement? Additionally, by regretting his choice at this point he is distancing himself and not honoring the sacrifices (namely yours) people he values made to help him get where he is?

I'm sorry this is happening. It must really stink for you!!!
I hope things improve soon.