Dogs and kids as a guest in a home

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I know we have some dog lovers here so would love some insight and suggestions.

Our kids aren't around dogs much. We don't have one and none of our good friends do. In late May, we were invited to dinner at our nanny's house. She has two dogs, a Boston and a yellow lab (normal sizes so 30 and 85-90 lbs). When we arrived, the dogs were really excited to see the kids and sprinted over and jumped up on them. Both kids but especially D lost her mind. She's a dramatic child anyway but she was shrieking. To be totally honest though, I don't blame her. When you're 38 inches tall and an 85 lb dog knocks you over, that is scary. The dogs are around our nanny's daughter all the time so I know they're safe and I didn't realize they'd jump so I didn't even prepare the kids. So I have no idea if that was the beginning of the fear of dogs or not but it's become a problem.

Last night, we were invited to dinner at DH's fellowship directors house (our children were explicitly invited so we felt fine to bring them). They had two Frenchie bulldogs who aren't used to kids. Of course they scampered over excited and licking and we had a repeat of the shrieking despite our trying to prep the kids before. They briefly put the dogs outside but then let them in which is understandable because it was really, really hot. However, this caused a problem because the dogs were interested in the kids and though the girls warmed to them through the night R was terrified. I only put him down once because he started walking and when the dog came around the corner and starting to approach and lick him, R hit the deck laying on the ground and screaming clearly terrified. The dog hadn't touched him but he was terrified. He was literally screaming and shrieking louder than I've ever heard her.

The dinner was awful. I couldn't put R down the entire time and he's 15 months old, all he wants to do is run and walk. I was trying to manage the girls and having to get them everything because they wouldn't get off the couch and hold R. DH tried to help but obviously he was mostly engaged in conversation with fellowship director. The girls were well behaved and occupied with their crafts but it was miserable holding R.

We aren't dog people but I kept thinking how much more enjoyable the dinner would have been if they'd separated the dogs to another room or area. But then I don't know if that's unreasonable to ask someone to do to their dogs. I just felt like all the adults (but mostly me) were managing the situation ALL night.

So, questions:
1. What is reasonable in this situation for me to do? Should I decline invitations to the homes of dog owners who will have their dogs around during the activity?
2. Is there anything I can do to better prep the kids? If the dogs ignored them, it wouldn't be a problem but dogs usually want to greet and sniff people. I don't really have time or ability to continuously expose my kids to dogs to reduce this fear but we are working on it...


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[rufflesanddots]

Man... That night sounds awful.

For #1, would you feel comfortable saying your kids are still getting to know dogs and they're taking it slow? I really feel like you, as the guest, shouldn't even have to do this. Part of being a good dog owner is keeping your dog controlled and noticing when they're bothering someone. Before we have anyone over we ask about allergies and let people know we have a dog and can put her up if needed.

For #2, the preparation could include just talking about dogs, pointing them out, and petting well-behaved dogs when you're out and about. If there's a dog show on TV or something watching information about dogs could make them less scary too.

Hang in there. I'm really irritated on your behalf that your hosts didn't just put the dogs elsewhere so you could relax and enjoy your evening. 😒

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[OrionGrad]

We have a Frenchie and we always put her in the laundry room or garage when people with kids come over, because it's just too much for her. (She has social anxiety and gets too wound up.) Your perspective is interesting because I usually have the opposite experience... I put her away before our guests arrive, and then they (or their kids) are just begging to see her the whole night. I feel like the bad person for not having her out with us. But honestly the interaction with kids is just too much for her, and I know she'll end up jumping and scaring someone.

So back to your situation, people are weird about their dogs so I would not feel comfortable asking someone to put their dog away before we came over. I'd hope that in most cases the host would see what was going on and take the dog to another space.

At the same time, it does sound like it might be a good idea to get your kids some practice around dogs so they're a little more comfortable if/when this comes up again. Do you have any relatives with dogs? I know you probably don't know many people well in your new location yet. What about checking out Petco on a dog adoption day?? Just trying to think of places you could be near dogs in a controlled environment so the kids can get used to the jumping/licking aspect.

[scrub-jay]

Dogs and kids as a guest in a home

Dogs and kids is tough. Typical no signals from kids are excited signals to dogs. The reverse is true, subtle signs of discomfort or anxiety (licking, yawning, even tail wagging, wide-eyed looking around) is misunderstood by many people, even by some dog owners.
We have a 30-lb labradoodle, she is great with our kids, but getting (and staying there) has required consistent effort. My dog has a safe spot where children aren't that she can escape to (on her own or on command), my children are taught to "be a tree" (face a wall, tuck arms in, be super still and quiet) when they are uncomfortable with a dog's advance. They are also taught how to greet a strange dog:
(1) Ask a parent whether they can say hello. If yes:
(2) Ask the dog's owner if they can pet the dog. If yes:
(3) Hold back of hand out, near dog but not in its face. If dog nudges forward/licks/asks for pets, then petting BACK is okay. If dog turns face away, that's a "no thanks, not today" and my kids respect that. They even ask our dog!
I warn any guests to my home that we have a dog, but she can nap in her kennel if anyone is uncomfortable. Dogs and young kids require close supervision because the body language doesn't mesh well. My labradoodle is small and has been raised and trained with children, but I'm still overly cautious for both the sake of the dog and children.

ETA: ITA with it being the owners' responsibility, not the guests responsibility. I would probably mention that my children are fearful of dogs, but you can't force a dog owner to behave a certain way.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Dogs and kids as a guest in a home

I felt like I couldn't ask our hosts to put their dogs up. That would have been my preference but I know people have a right to have their pets around in their home. My stepmother for instance is very much like "my dogs are my babies and you're kids need to figure it out."


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[scrub-jay]

I felt like I couldn't ask our hosts to put their dogs up. That would have been my preference but I know people have a right to have their pets around in their home.


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I know what you mean. I've seen dogs who were clearly uncomfortable with my kids, but the owners will argue "my dog just LOVES children, go ahead kids!" which is great until it isn't! I would google some you tube videos of dogs being uncomfortable so you can recognize that and then teach your children how to safely approach dogs.
(1) Ask me (because if the dog looks weirded out, it's a hard no, even if the owner insists).
(2) Ask the owner, not uncommon for someone to say "well, my dog is old and a little grouchy toward kids" when asked directly
(3) Ask the dog by holding back of hand out calmly.

I've been complimented and thanked SO MANY times for this training.

[scrub-jay]

As a dog owner, I also think of my dog when it comes to other children visiting. Children who have had limited dog exposure are dangerous to the dog as well because they may inadvertently corner or scare a dog which can make a good dog unpredictable. It's up to me (as the owner) to make sure everyone is safe.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Yeah the hosts were like, "they loooove kids"! But then later she said, "well, they're never really around kids." So I think they meant, the dogs are excited to see kids...not that they stay calm.

Good ideas to introduce them to dogs and approach them. But I don't know what to do if my kids do NOT want the dogs near them. Like if my kids are fearful, I don't know what to say or do to keep everyone apart.


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[scrub-jay]

Yeah the hosts were like, "they loooove kids"! But then later she said, "well, they're never really around kids." So I think they meant, the dogs are excited to see kids...not that they stay calm.

Good ideas to introduce them to dogs and approach them. But I don't know what to do if my kids do NOT want the dogs near them. Like if my kids are fearful, I don't know what to say or do to keep everyone apart.


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In your shoes, I'd just let him observe his sisters learning to greet dogs while he was safely in your arms/carried/stroller. Even a trip to petco to see the fish and small creatures can provide an opportunity to practice the dog greeting skills.

[MrsK]

Lambie doesn't like dogs. When we are visiting homes, I ask in advance if they have pets and I'll explain that K2 loves dogs but Lambie is afraid. I also worry that K1 is erratic and can excite dogs. Usually, at that point people volunteer to confine their dogs or suggest another venue. If it sounds like they won't be accommodating and the dogs will still be a problem, I find an excuse to leave the kids with a sitter.

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[alotofyarn]

My kids are terrified of big dogs. I feel like it's the responsibility of the owner to make sure that dogs don't jump up on or scare kids if they invite them over, or to at least ask about how the kids feel at first. Mine do usually warm up to them eventually, but we had a bad experience recently at a kids birthday party where the dog came and jumped up as soon as we got there, which is normal to their family of 3 kids, but not for mine, so I pretty much held both kids the whole time. I feel your pain. We do try to talk about it and slowly introduce them when we do get places that have a dog, but otherwise we just let the host know that the kids are scared, ask if they wouldn't mind separating them somehow, and avoid situations if necessary.

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[spotty_dog]

Yes, totally agree with everything SJ says! Teach the kids a way to be that doesn't set off the prey instinct or even just the unbridled excitement. And also, hope that the owner gets smart and recognizes that an overexcited dog that nips a kid who's running away in terror is a dog that is in danger of its life. Depending on breed, even a small nip could lead to euthanasia.

One piece of body language that both dogs and kids should understand is the "go between." When dogs are behaving too excitably and an older wiser doggy observer wants to tone it down, they simply walk between the excited ones, blocking the interaction with their body. As a human, something similar is easy to recognize as mama bear behavior. Just stay between your kid and the canine, facing the dog down if it's just pushy, or turning your side to it if you're actually worried about aggression. As long as the dog isn't too derpy to understand the signal, this should cool their jets pretty quickly. It might look a little aggressive to your hosts, but it calms your kids too to see that you've got this, and honestly...sometimes you've gotta be the mama bear.

So, to answer your question, if you want to discourage an unwanted dog approach/interaction, kids need to "be a tree" and mama needs to go between. I hope that helps. DD had a dog bite incident a couple of years ago and has been pretty fearful since then. But over time, we've done this to manage annoying dogs who rush her on the hiking trail, and I've modeled appropriate interactions with calm dogs in town, and she got to meet some very young puppies and see that not all jumping and nipping is scary, and she's much much better now.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Well that's the other thing, I know multiple people whose children have been bitten by friendly, loving household pets who just reacted instinctually to erratic little kids. So honestly, I'm probably not projecting complete calm myself when I'm around dogs that are raised in an 100% adult environment. I think I would feel a little bit better if there were kids in the household but that wasn't the case.

You're probably right [MENTION=1498]MrsK[/MENTION], I should have just said that the kids were afraid of dogs and leave them home if they wouldn't put them up. So far, I've had multiple experiences where people say their dogs were good with kids and that just meant that the dogs wanted to jump and lick them...


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[scrub-jay]

Dogs and kids as a guest in a home

[MENTION=1315]TulipsAndSunscreen[/MENTION] It helped me immensely to educate myself on YouTube about dog signals of discomfort. I never ever trust the owner's word. I've learned to read dogs much better which helps me assess situations. We have friends who have a big lab who is a powerful jumper/licker and even my kids are leery around her. Like [MENTION=985]spotty_dog[/MENTION] says, I become mama bear and turn my side to her and put myself between my kids and the dog. The dog either sits and waits for attention or runs off to find excited attention elsewhere. My kids don't scream or flail. They become a tree on a wall.
I have absolutely no reason to worry about my dog hurting anyone, but even as a member of our family, I respect that she's an animal and not a person. Her communication will be different and it's my responsibility to keep everyone safe.
Any dog can bite when cornered or frightened, even the sweetest dogs (even more so if they've not had much experience with small children who can move and act erratically! &#128521 And any child (or adult) can accidentally corner a dog.

[Thirteen]

Part of being a good dog owner is keeping your dog controlled and noticing when they're bothering someone.

For #2, the preparation could include just talking about dogs, pointing them out, and petting well-behaved dogs when you're out and about. If there's a dog show on TV or something watching information about dogs could make them less scary too.

Hang in there. I'm really irritated on your behalf that your hosts didn't just put the dogs elsewhere so you could relax and enjoy your evening. 😒

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I edited a little bit, but all these things.
Even with dog lovers that visit, I tend to or everyone up (with the exception of my oldest mellow guy, but even then I put him up sometimes).

I call BS that they didn't put the dogs up somewhere in the house. If it's too hot, they need to have an air conditioned area designated for dog containment. (We have two crates, a babygate on the kitchen, a spare bedroom, etc.)

We have a babysitter and go on regular dates and she's never even met the dogs. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or ill-prepared in our home.

(I have a jumper, an old man, and a total spazzy puppy at the moment, so I get it).



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