advice from veterans?

I'm embarking on my new role as a fiance to a first-year medical student. Any advice from you veterans how to keep the happiness in our relationship?

[DCJenn]

Welcome-

First, read all the post and archives- and once you get a feel for the misery- come vent here anytime.

You have a long road ahead and although we never want to blow it out of proportion- it's hard, it gets harder, then it gets really hard. Then, I guess, we all drop dead.

But this is a great resource and come back often.

Jenn

[Flynn]

I agree with the previous post that you should read the archives!!! It will give you a crash course on everything you need to know.

Second, keep in mind you can certainly help things by being flexible and "understanding" when you can HOWEVER, a relationship is a two way street and if your significant other isn't willing to tote his/her weight when possible...there's nothing you can do but choose to stay or go. Understanding what your "line in the sand" is as far as selfish behavior on your partner's part is a big step to helping your relationship. This profession breeds self-involved individuals whose singlemindedness is a blessing and a curse.

My husband and I had some serious issues until I said bluntly, I can deal with this, this, and this. I will not tolerate this, this, and this!!!

I think we are pretty happy now despite the challenging lifestyle!

Good luck and welcome!

[Phoebe]

Advice I would give is try to keep your expectations realistic. We got married at the beginning of fellowship and I had somewhat romanticized ideals about marriage. Well that hit home real quick. I should have known better having been through residency with DH, but I wasn't thinking clearly. Now that I know what to expect of our relationship, DH and his job, we have a lot less conflict. Good luck with your transition!

Jennifer

Thanks for all of your replies. I would really like to approach this journey with a realistic approach. I'm still a big romantic at heart, and I don't want to get caught up in all of it and end up disappointed that my fiance isn't contributing to the marriage. If I know what's coming, I think I'll be able to handle it. I'm a big planner!

p.s.--you all are hysterical! I got some good chuckles out of your replies...

[Flynn]

You guys are lucky because you can get to know each other as married people with the flexible schedule Med. school allows. From my experience because we didn't have kids yet, med. school was a BREEZE compared to residency. Of course that varies depending on the person and the residency your future DH will choose...but generally I think that rings true for a lot of people who have been there, done that.

Med. school is a nice way to get your feet wet with "the lifestyle."

What might your future DH go into or is he totally open right now?

I think he's learning towards family practice since that's what his father does, so hopefully that will be the easier of all the options. But since he's just about to begin medical school, his mind could change in time.

FP is great, as long as he's a people person. I tend to be skeptical about "following in one's father's footsteps" because, after all, he's a different person. People do tend to figure out where they want to end up somewhere in medical school. It will be a class, or rotation, or situation where something will just 'click', and they'll know. Does his dad expect him to do FP, or is he cool about it?

No, his dad puts no pressure on FP. In fact, my boyfriend went into business consulting before deciding on going to med school, so there was no pressure from the family to even go to med school. I think he's just leaning towards it because he's comfortable with the environment, knows the work requirements,etc. Knowing him, he'll follow his interests. He never goes with what's comfortable and convenient.

First, read all the post and archives- and once you get a feel for the misery- come vent here anytime.

You have a long road ahead and although we never want to blow it out of proportion- it's hard, it gets harder, then it gets really hard. Then, I guess, we all drop dead.

Okay, I'm sorry. It was the "Then, I guess, we all drop dead" line that cracked me up.

Hi Pitterpat,

I'm a newbie to the forum, but I've been with my husband since med school. Um...that'll be...15 years I think. 8O <---- *me just realizing that I'm getting old*

I think it's great that the two of you are starting on this journey together. There's such a sense of accomplishment in the marriage when you're both in it from the start. Not that I'm knocking anyone who meets their medical spouse after training ~ it's just nice to have that "history" to share. It's almost like you grow up together.

I like the advice given to you in this thread so far: time with one another, realistic expectations, relationship limits. It's easy for the MD in the marriage to get wrapped up in his or her job.

I have a problem with limits ~ maybe you can learn something from me and not make the same mistake.

I have always deferred to my husband's career. From the beginning, he took care of job first, me last. And this actually worked very well for a while. We pushed through med school, motored through residency and steam rolled through his fellowship. I always thought once the training aspect of his career was over, he'd have a little more time for his family. I didn't think the practice of medicine would be easy, but I thought it would be better, less stressful, etc.

Well, I didn't count on this drive actually being so ingrained in his personality that he would carry it over into his practice. Silly me, I thought he would welcome the end of his training with great relief and a desire to slow things down a bit. Not even close. The long days have become "normal" for him. He's a type A, so down time makes him anxious...he has to be doing something worthwhile, even if it's only reading around a patient. He moonlights, he does lectures, he's on committees...it never ends.

I think if I had set limits early on, maybe back during med school, we would be better off. Don't get me wrong ~ we love each other very much, but the marriage is limping along. Do yourself a favor and establish that "two way street" Flynn mentioned early on. And draw that line in the sand now. He'll probably thank you 20 years from now.

[SueC]

Alison, I like the sandwich metaphor--I'll have to remember that one!